JOHN RECORDS LANDECKER: His First Air Shift

Here's a piece of the legendary John Records Landecker's very first air shift, as a teenager hosting the Saturday Midday Ride on WOIA/WOIB in Ann Arbor, Michigan, 1966.

You'll also hear the "live" commentary provided by John as the air check was played for attendees at one of my radio seminars. Listen for the surprise appearance of "Radio's Best Friend."

Yep, John "faked" a call, having a buddy call in to make a request.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #20: Attacked by German Bees

September, 1994: Here was my schedule for the beginning of the month:

9/3: Fly from Los Angeles to Frankfurt, Germany.

9/4: Arrive Frankfurt.

9/5: Conduct World Class Comedy for a radio station.

9/6: Conduct Air Personality Plus+ for a radio station, fly to Munich.

9/7: Conduct Air Personality Plus+ for a radio station, fly to Leipzig, Germany.

9/8: Appear on Morning Show and Radio Promotion panels at the Leipzig Radio Show.

9/9: Present How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising for the Leipzig Radio Show, fly to Hamburg.

9/10: Conduct Air Personality Plus+ for a radio station, fly to Duesseldorf, then drive to Oberhausen, Germany.

9/11: Conduct Air Personality Plus+ for a radio station.

9/12: Fly back to Los Angeles, arrive same day.

Hotel Palmenhof

The first night of the trip was unexpectedly eventful. The German taxi driver didn't speak a word to me on the drive from the airport, in a heavy rain, to the Hotel Palmenhof. He pulled up to the hotel, we both exited the taxi and walked to the rear of the vehcile, and he graciously stepped aside to allow me to struggle with my bags without any interference. One of the heavy suitcases dragged over trunk frame, and suddenly the taxi driver came to life.

"Look at that!" he exclaimed, pointing to a minuscule scratch on the outside of the trunk.

I looked. The taxi boasted plenty more impressive scratches than that. Dents, even. I nodded.

My nod did not placate him. "You damaged my car!"

"Gee, maybe next time you'll remove the customer's bags from your trunk," I thought. But I said nothing.

"What are you going to do about this?" he demanded. "You have damaged my taxi!"

Clearly I was supposed to be intimidated and whip out my presumed fat American wallet. But I was not intimidated. I was tired and wet. "Do you want to call your insurance company to file a claim?" I asked with dead calm. Furious, he slammed shut the trunk and drove away.

As usual, I hadn't slept on the 10-hour flight from L.A., and I went to bed at the hotel around 8:00PM. I awakened at 4:00AM and decided to get some work done on my trusty Mac Powerbook. I turned on the light and, because the hotel didn’t have air conditioning, opened the window. The rain had stopped. After working for an hour or two, I decided to take a shower.

When I came out of the shower, I noticed my hotel room was swarming with bees...perhaps two dozen. My lights apparently were the only ones on in all of Frankfurt, and I guess the lights attracted the bees. Not having any insecticide, I tried spraying them with deodorant. This did not slow them down, although it might have helped with their own interpersonal relationships.

Calling the front desk didn’t help. The night manager barely understood English and couldn’t comprehend my yelling, “My room is filled with bees!”

Finally he said, rather scornfully, “You mean honeybees.” He did not, however, have either insecticide nor a solution. So I spent the next hour frantically swatting the bees — er, honeybees — with a newspaper. Amazingly, I was not stung. I did manage to break a lamp in the process. But given the degree to which the hotel didn’t care about my plight, I just couldn't bring myself to feel guilty about that lamp.

The two days of seminars at FFH, however, went quite well. This was my second visit to FFH, where Hans-Dieter Hillmoth always makes sure I’m made to feel very welcome. (Yes, there’s always “a buzz” around town when I make my visits.)

Wolfram Tech made all of the arrangements, even finding the time to take me to a very good Thai restaurant called Suvadee.

On the night I left, Wolfram drove me to the Frankfurt Airport, where we had a great meal...at an airport restaurant (Steinenberger)! I had a wonderful duck dinner in just 45 minutes. Great food!

On several restaurant menus in Germany I saw “American sauce” and “American dressing.” I couldn’t help but thinking, “What is that? Ketchup??”

(To be continued next week)

Okay, Right, I Screwed Up...In Print

A couple of days ago I reminded everyone that the PD Grad School registration rate goes up after this Saturday, January 31. Someone just now brought to my attention an embarrassing fact: According to the brochure, the deadline was January 24.Bottom Line: We'll honor all registrations at the "old" rate through January 31.

The staff and management of Dan O'Day Worldwide Enterprises, Inc., apologizes for the error. If deemed appropriate, disciplinary action — up to and possibly including removing myself from all positions of responsibility — will be determined by a committee consisting of me and maybe a couple of friends.

ASSUME THE (RADIO STATION) POSITION. ONLY ONE.

Sunday morning, 11:30AM. The DJ is adlibbing his way through a break, being careful to work in two required station positioners. Twice during that break he refers to "Your Official At Work Station" — on a Sunday morning.

How smart is that, having your weekend jock promote the station as the Official At Work Station? Not very.

The Rationale (I assume): That's how they want to be branded, so they say it all the time. Maybe some weekend listeners will be influenced to listen to them on weekdays, too.

The Fallacies:

1. Most people hearing that message are not, at that moment, At Work Listeners. The station is referencing an experience they are not having.

It's like a sports station boasting in January about being "The Official World Series Radio Station." Well, that might be true. But it doesn't make sense unless it's October, not January.

2. In fact, for many listeners it's an experience they'd rather not think about then. Few are thinking, "Gee, I wish there were something to take me out of my weekend mood and make me feel like I'm back in the office!"

But It Gets Worse.

The break — which included two references to "Your Official At Work Station" — ended with the jock declaring this to be a "Work Escape Weekend." Uh, at, um, y'know, Your Official At Work Station.

"Should I Start My Own Voiceover Business in 2009?"

If you already do some voice work "on the side" but haven't really launched a voiceover business...

Or if you aren't yet doing voiceovers, but want to...

Here's the guy to talk to:

Harlan Hogan

Believe it or not, you'll be able to ask your own questions directly of Harlan in this special live teleseminar. Here are all the details.

HOW I WAS DRAGGED, KICKING & SCREAMING, ONTO FACEBOOK

A couple of days ago Rick Houghton posted something on my Facebook "wall" that referred to my late arrival on the Facebook scene. There is only one reason I'm on Facebook: Five months ago I saw a presentation about Web 2.0 — including Social Marketing and Social Media — that blew me away.

It was presented by a guy I'd never heard of who since has become a treasured friend, at an exclusive, private, Very Expensive event attended by around 60 people from around the world.

Almost everyone in the room already is extremely successful, including some famous names you would recognize. (Yeah, I was one of the exceptions. Hence my use of "almost.")

I convinced him to give a special version of that presentation, showing radio stations how to apply his cutting-edge strategies, at PD GRAD SCHOOL.

"Big deal," you say? Well, PD GRAD SCHOOL is in Los Angeles. He lives in Malaysia. I believe his information is so important for radio programmers that I've arranged for him to make the trip to L.A. next month. If you're programming or managing a radio station, you really need to be there.

Meanwhile, for a couple of years PD GRAD SCHOOL attendees have been saying, "Give us something about the Portable People Meter (PPM)." For a couple of years, I successfully resisted. But in 2009, one Big Expert is going to share the terrain-shifting secrets revealed by PPM usage. "But I'm not in a PPM market!" Doesn't matter. This session shares new information about what any station in any market should be doing right now to increase its listenership.

"But wait, there's more!" Yet another Big Shot Expert is going to interpret PPM data in a way that shows you exactly what your audience is doing, minute-by-minute. This is amazing technology, folks. I wish I'd had that when I was a PD.

Of course, there's also Famous Research Guy and Famous Programming Consultant, along with Famous Radio Talent Coach/Radio Advertising Guru — all of whom will be delivering World Premiere presentations.

Although I'm proud of previous years of PD GRAD SCHOOL, this is the first time the overall program will be AHEAD of the technology curve. If you're among the lucky PDs who still have jobs and you want not only to remain employed but to thrive while others wither away, please consider attending.

Oh, yeah, a little more incentive: The registration fee increases on Sunday. Now is an excellent time to sign up.

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Finalist - Most Mismatched Voiceover of the Decade

You be the judge:

I'm not trying to embarrass the performer. I sincerely hope that's a beginning voiceover person who was further hampered by lack of competent direction.

But there really should be a law against her saying "fluent in funky."

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean

MY FAVORITE RADIO JINGLE

Disclaimer: I'm biased. I wrote this one, as part of our Dork-A-Pellas CD.

Ken R. produced it exactly as I heard it in my head.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #19: Taxi Driver Puts His Life At Risk

July - August, 1994: July was typically quiet for me. My only trip was to Cleveland, where I spoke at the McVay Media’s Programmers School. My topics were Building A Winning Morning Show and the premiere of my Total Quality Service Radio Station seminar.

This trip prompted me to offer the following piece of Information For Airline Passengers: It is possible to get up from or sit down in your seat without pulling down the seat in front of you. (Pass it on.)

It was during the Cleveland trip that I found myself wanting to kill a taxi driver. On the way from the airport to my hotel, the driver was telling some sort of story, and he said, “So I picked up these two men at a downtown hotel, a couple of middle-aged guys — you know, like us.”

I have never before been called “middle-aged,” and I was terribly offended. Needless to say, he did not receive a big tip. (We middle-aged guys are notoriously cheap.)

In August I finally made my first visit to Montana, courtesy of Bob Hoene and the Montana Broadcasters Association. Bob brought me in to conduct two days of seminars: How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising and Air Personality Plus+.

A couple of weeks later found me first in Montréal and then in Québéc City, conducting two days of seminars for Télémédia, thanks to Sylvain Langlois.

Day One was a commercial copywriting seminar for their salespeople; Day Two was an air talent seminar, complete with simultaneous translation. (The year of French class when I was nine years old has been of surprisingly little value in my “middle-aged” years.)

Hotel Vogue Bathroom

In Montréal, I was housed at the Hotel Vogue, a very nice establishment. (How nice? Well...The bathroom had a shower AND a separate sunken bathtub...as well as a telephone and a TV.) The first day’s seminar was held in the “Amphitheatre Bell” (name after Alexander Graham Bell) – the only seminar site I’ve been to that has its own skating rink.

As soon as I returned to Los Angeles, I spoke to an international group of radio people — from Egypt, Botswana, and a couple of countries I hadn’t even heard of. Although each country has its own cultural distinctions, I'm always struck by how much in common radio people from around the world have in common with each other.

Next Week: I get attacked by bees in Germany.

AS CORNY AS IT SOUNDS...SMILE.

A jock just sent me his aircheck, asking for feedback. He's not new to the business, but it's obvious he hasn't had much guidance during his career. From the cover letter that accompanied his CD, I can feel his passion for radio.

But he's made the mistake common to so many: Because it's so easy to be a bad or mediocre disc jockey — anyone can achieve those levels — he has assumed that becoming good or great is easy, too. All he has to do is keep practicing at the mediocre level.

But it doesn't work that way. In addition to talent (a good thing to have), the truly successful radio personalities work at it. They think, they write, they plan, they aircheck themselves, they invest in materials that will help them improve and/or will improve their programs.

That's obvious? Okay. But it's also unusual. Most jocks show up for work, do their best, go home, come back the next day and do their best — but never improve because it doesn't occur to them to treat radio as a craft.

Here's one simple, "obvious" suggestion I gave him:

The biggest thing you need to add is warmth. As corny as it sounds, you (I mean you, personally; I do not necessarily mean everyone on radio) should smile widely before opening the mic and keep smiling throughout the break.

People who don't know better might scoff, "Oh, he wants me to be a 'yuk jock.'" Those people don't understand that although it might look odd for you to be smiling so much, it won't sound that way.

"On TV, I look normal."

There's something about a radio microphone that saps much of the warmth from most voices. You're familiar with the TV expression, "The camera adds 15 pounds"? (Hence, all the actresses who in real life resemble scarecrows.)

Well, the radio microphone removes 50% of the natural warmth of your voice, and you need to find a way to compensate for that.

On this aircheck, you sound bored. You sound as though you're there because it's your job to be there, not because you're doing what you want to do.

Suggestion: Concentrate more on sounding as though you want to be there and that you're talking because you have something you think is worth it for the listener to hear.

WHERE SHOULD OUR STATION PROMOS APPEAR?

A reader asks:

What do you think of running station promos first every time in each commercial break before any commercials?

Warning: My response will upset many program directors and consultants.

Current conventional wisdom holds that it's a good idea, because it accords your station promo the coveted First Position in the stopset.

The two spots most likely to be remembered are the first and the last in the break. In Learning Theory, these are known as the Primacy and Recency effects.

The first one has the advantage of being heard before the listener potentially is turned off by a bunch of commercials. The last (the most recent) has the advantage of not being followed by any other commercial message to compete with it for the listener's attention.

Personally, I think running the station promo first does a disservice both to the station and to the station's advertisers.

1. Reserving the single best commercial position for the radio station sends a sad message to the advertisers: "We're more concerned with our results than yours."

How many magazines reserve the back cover or inside front cover for their own in-house ads? No, those prime spaces go to paid advertisers.

The smart radio station charges a premium (15% to 30%) to guarantee first or last placement in a commercial break. Just as magazines charge premiums for their most valuable ad pages.

2. You condition your listeners to expect a bunch of commercials whenever they hear a station promo. Your promo becomes their cue to mentally or physically tune out.

To make matters worse, most station promos properly end with the station's name. So the Conditioned Response is for listeners to associate your station's name with commercials.

Traditional Top 40 radio programming (my own training ground) stressed the importance of immediately following your call letters with music. This long has proved to be a very smart, effective strategy. Regardless of your format, it makes the most sense to juxtapose your call letters with the primary entertainment or information product for which listeners tune in.

Third, a good station promo is entertaining and involving. But if you follow today's "conventional wisdom," you force your listeners instead to think of your promos as "just" commercials. Honestly, how would you rate the average commercial on your station? Worth tuning in for? Or just clutter?

Rather than compete with your advertisers and reduce the image of your own promos, I recommend not including your promo anywhere in your stopset. Instead, run it solo elsewhere in the hour. You'll shorten your commercial breaks, allow your sales department to charge a premium for First Position, and greatly increase the probable impact of your promos.

(I'm reminded of some programming genius who was quoted in a trade publication several years ago as saying that to make his station's long commercial clusters seem shorter, he "breaks them up by including a couple of station promos." Uh-huh.)

Finally, an anecdotal report:

Here in Los Angeles, years ago, I often listened to very good morning show. The station that broadcast this show:

1. Was the worst-produced major market station I've ever heard.

2. Began each (very long) stopset with a station-produced promo.

As soon as a stopset began, I'd automatically turn off the radio not because I wanted to avoid the commercials (commercial creation is one of my specialties, and I would listen to all-commercial radio if I could) but because I couldn't stand to sit through 30 or 60 seconds of mindless, artless, inane, station-produced drivel.

In this case, the fact that every commercial break began with an embarrassingly bad station promo conditioned me to tune out the entire stopset. So I never heard any of the paid commercials on that station.

Do you suppose the advertisers would have been pleased to learn that the station inadvertently yet actively encouraged people NOT to listen to their commercials?

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Sure, They Went Bankrupt, But Still....

This week's smackdown isn't as cruel as you might expect. First, here's the commercial....

The Good Thing To Notice In That Commercial: Your attention automatically is drawn to the singer, and — surprisingly unusual in radio advertising — she is communicating the sales message: "It's easy to open a WAMU checking account online in under 7 minutes."

All too often, it's the announcer who delivers the sales message, while the singer "entertains"...and the message never is heard.

The Bad News (I mean, aside from the fact that they since have gone bankrupt): "Opening an online checking account in under 7 minutes" is hardly a Unique Selling Proposition. About as shocking as "now with ATM machines!"

What the heck was this commercial trying to accomplish? Can you imagine even one person opening a new account with WAMU as a result of hearing this spot?

But....Notice how you did hear that lame message. Why? Because your attention was drawn to the singer, and the singer delivered the (lame) message.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean

THE SHADOW

In my January 7 posting, I mentioned the classic radio drama, The Shadow. I'm guessing most radio people today never actually have heard it, so here's an episode. Yes, it's a bit preachy. But dramatic nonetheless.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #18: Stuck On An Airplane Next To...

June, 1994, Part 3: Later in the month I traveled to Virginia, where I conducted How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising for the Virginia Association of Broadcasters in Charlottesville. I also spent two days in nearby Richmond, where WRVQ/WRXL’s Linda Forem, Brian Illes, and Lisa McKay had me conduct air talent and commercial copywriting seminars for their staffs.

On the flight from California to Virginia, the airline movie was FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL. To my immediate left sat a man who obviously enjoyed the film. He laughed loudly throughout — so loudly that I kept looking for an eject button on his seat. (For you North Americans: Imagine watching an entire movie with Ed McMahon sitting next to you and laughing at everything.)

Haunted By A Tractor (And Other Radio Goofs)

Sherri Marengo of Eagle 99 asks, "Have you ever been doing a contest and forgot to give listeners the contest line??? OMG- did it this morning!"

My most memorable blunder occurred during my very first air shift. I'm a city boy, and my first radio gig was in rural Virginia. It was only an hour or so into the shift when a listener called up and said, "You're not from around here, are you?"

Nope, it wasn't a question of conflicting regional accents. I had read a live spot for John Deere tractors. Apparently the big clue was when I pronounced it "Dear-ie."

Okay, guys, what's YOUR embarrassing screw-up?

INCREDIBLY COOL RADIO STATION IDEA

First I should explain that for me, an Incredibly Cool Station Idea is one that provides a valuable service to the community, involves the listeners, and doesn't cost the radio station anything.

A number of years ago I conducted an air talent seminar for BBC Radio Merseyside in Liverpool, England. At the time, they were heavily promoting its "A Team." Staffed by volunteers, the A Team work from three desks in the radio station. They field calls from listeners who need what might be called Info-Help:

"What are the requirements for bringing a dog onto an airplane?"

"How can I find someone to adopt some kittens?"

"Who won the 1972 Academy Award for Best Actor?"

One very popular feature of the A Team is their Lost Person service: helping to locate an old army buddy or school chum.

While they research all incoming requests and reply to the callers by telephone, the A Team typically airs three bulletins a day to help with answers they haven't been able to track down themselves.

When the film version of YELLOW SUBMARINE celebrated its 30th anniversary, Apple Records desperately wanted to contact the actors who had portrayed the Beatles in that animated picture, but they could locate only three of the four. So they called the A Team, which asked Radio Merseyside's listeners if they could help. Within hours, they heard from a listener who was friends with the missing actor...who was living on a houseboat in Denmark. He gave them his friend's phone number, and the mystery was solved.

Here are the benefits of the A Team:

• True community service

• Great public relations/local goodwill

• Occasional great publicity (e.g., the missing "Beatle")

• Strengthens connection to community

• Builds listener loyalty

• Builds goodwill even among people who are not frequent listeners

A SUBSCRIBER ADMONISHES ME re: "HOPE"

Art Taft of KRTV writes:
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Hi Dan. Every year or so I send you this message about the heading of your newsletter that I very much look forward to and enjoy reading:

Here is your copy of THE DAN O'DAY RADIO ADVERTISING LETTER #117. I hope you find it worth reading!

Please consider changing "I hope you find it worth reading" to "information to help you become the consummate professional."

Hope is not a game plan. Hope is wanting something to happen that you did not work towards or for. Hope is the desire for a miracle. I hope I win the Lottery. I hope the ad campaign works. I hope I get to see the decision maker. I hope I meet a wealthy woman.

Your newsletter is worthy. Your newsletter is educational. Your newsletter is your personal contribution to helping to change messages from lackluster to brilliant.

Dan, you work too hard to hope that someone will find it worth reading. Your headline should always be that they are lucky you kept them on the mailing list.
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Dan Replies:

First, thanks very much for the flattering review of my newsletter.

I don't think your definition of "hope" would conflict with my using the word in relation to events or actions I cannot control.

To me, the ultimate test of an "expert" is whether that person is able accurately to predict results in his/her alleged area of expertise. (Obviously, that test disqualifies economists and virtually all the talking heads you see on TV.)

When I write a campaign for a client, I don't hope it works. If I've done my homework and they've given me enough accurate information, I know it will work — unless they decide to "tweak" the script themselves, in which case all bets are off.

Example: The "Dentist" commercial we syndicate always produces immediate results. So I was puzzled when one dentist called me to report that while the campaign was generating some response, the volume was disappointing. Turns out he took the 30-second spot — the one that always works — and added another 30 seconds to it, offering a free weekend vacation certificate to anyone responding to the commercial.

So I don't "hope" my radio campaigns work. But I do hope my clients get their money's worth by trusting me as the expert who predicts that if they run what I give them, they'll get results.

In one of my Radio Advertising Letters, I can share a technique or principle that I know is valuable, that works. But whether any individual subscriber thinks that principle or that particular issue is worth reading? I can't predict.

But I hope they do.

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Shotgun Wedding Commercial

I've just coined that phrase, referring to commercials that exist because two companies made a deal to partner in a marketing or advertising promotion.

Neither company actually cares about getting results. They're too blinded by the fact that somebody else is paying for part (or all, depending upon the promotion) of this!

Actually, whoever created this has achieved something noteworthy. They've produced a commercial that has absolutely no value at all. They've managed to say nothing, badly.

The commercial opens with the name of the advertiser. Why? Well, I'm sure it pleases the Visa people. Otherwise, it signals to the audience, "Here's a brochure for Visa Signature credit cards."

"On top of the points or miles you already earn..." — They jump right into the pitch, assuming that everyone in the audience has a Visa card, has a Visa Signature Card that earns points or miles, and at this very moment is thinking about their Visa Signature Card. They don't attempt first to get the attention of the targeted listener.

"To experience the luxury of the world-class Pinehurst Resort" — Apparently all the effort went into creating this joint promotion, while the actual writing of the sales message was delegated to a secretary.

This is a golf club. Golfers use it to hit golf balls when they play golf on golf courses.

"year-round exclusive golf packages" — followed by the sound of a club hitting a ball, apparently for the sake of listeners who aren't sure what "golf" is.

"Cardholders have access to the best of Pinehurst Golf" — implying there's a worst of Pinehurst Golf.

"with the Ultimate Golf Package" — whatever that is. They go out of their way to illustrate the concept of "golf" but apparently assume everyone knows what "the Ultimate Golf Package" is.

They give the phone number before giving people a reason to call.

And the reason? "To reserve your Pinehurst Experience."

MR. STUPID: Say, honey, why don't we reserve a Pinehurst Experience?

MRS. STUPID: What a great idea! You're such a wonderful husband.

MR. & MRS. STUPID: Thanks, Visa Signature Card and Pinehurst Resort!

After 50 seconds of mind-numbing nothingness, they finish with 10 seconds of fine print.

And what is this radio commercial's Core Message? You know, the one thing they want the targeted listener to hear, to understand, and to remember? Take your pick:

• Visa Signature Cards give you exclusive benefits

• Luxury of Pinehurst Resort

• Year-round, exclusive golf packages

• The Ultimate Golf Package

• The Home of Golf Package

• 10% savings off any Pinehurst package

• Mention your credit card at time of purchase

• Instructions on figuring out if you have a Visa Signature Card. (HINT: If you have a Visa Signature Card, it will say "Visa Signature Card" on the front of your card.)

Two entities joining together to flush money down the toilet. What's that called again? Oh, yeah: "Synergy."

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

PDs Who Hotline Jocks

I've created this post for any Radio Advertising Letter subscribers who would like to comment on "PDs Who Hotline Jocks," which I discussed in the newest Letter.

YES, IT'S POSSIBLE TO DO 100% ORIGINAL STUFF ON RADIO

Rune Dahl is an old friend and presently afternoon host at Radio Norge (the English rendition of "Norge" is "Norway"). He made me aware of this particular phone bit by Bård and Vegard Ylvisaaker, aka the Ylvis Brothers.

The Ylvis Brothers

A phone bit? What could anyone possibly do that's new?

The set-up is the guy is too nervous to talk on the telephone, so he sings instead. Give it a listen:

© Copyright 2008 by Vegard & Bård Ylvisaaker. All Rights Reserved

The Back Story

I asked Bård how they came up with this concept....

This was actually made on the last day on air {at NRK — Dan} for us. We needed something that could make us leave the air with a blast, and we were really quite desperate.

We'd been thinking about making a phone call as an improvised musical for a long time, but actually found the idea a bit cheesy — or cheap. But since we had no other idea, we tried it — and it turned out to work better than we imagined.

My brother, Vegard, played the piano in studio, while I was singing. We didn't rehearse anything, just gave each other some signs to hint what moods we wanted for the separate parts.

Every now and then I hear something that's both creative and new, and it gives me hope.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #17: Being Forced To Choose in Belgium

June 1994, Part 3: After concluding my commercial copywriting seminar in England for Metro Radio Group, I took my first Sabena Airlines flight, to Brussels, Belgium.

Don't rush off to book your flight; that airline since has gone out of business.

My host was BRTN, Belgium’s national broadcasting company. Bob De Groof had arranged — on rather short notice, once he learned I was to be in England that month — for me to conduct two days of air talent seminars. The first was in Antwerp, for BRTN’s newest station, “DONNA.”

(That’s it; just “DONNA.” Not even “Radio Donna.” A very distinctive personality for a young, aggressive radio station quite unlike the typical government-run station.)

As you probably know, Belgium is a small country, and I was given the choice of flying into either Brussels or Antwerp, about 40 kilometers apart. I also was given the choice of being housed in either city. This choice served to consume a couple of days for me when planning the trip: Brussels or Antwerp? Never having been in Belgium, I was at a loss to choose. And I couldn’t think of any friends who had been there to advise me.

So I made two calls, seeking advice. The first was to Sabena Airlines, then the national airline of Belgium. The reservations agent I spoke with was a New Yorker who had been to both cities. “Definitely Brussels,” she said. “Antwerp is very dirty and very American; Brussels is much more European.”

My second call was to Napah Phyakul Quach of the International Visitors Council of Los Angeles, which occasionally has asked me to speak to groups of visiting radio professionals from around the world. Napah had not been to Belgium, but she asked a colleague who replied, “Definitely Brussels.”

Brussels

So I dutifully faxed my choice (Brussels) to the kind person at BRTN who was handling the arrangements for me. “Brussels?” she replied. “You’ll miss the wonderful personality of Antwerp, which is a much more charming city!”

Antwerp

Bob reacted with even more disdain for my choice: “Very well,” he faxed me. “After you have settled into your hotel in Brussels, I shall meet you for dinner at some stuffy, pretentious restaurant crowded with boring diplomats. And then I shall drive home to Antwerp, where I shall stop off for coffee at a charming, intimate café filled with warm, interesting people!”

Well, due to the airline schedules, ultimately I concluded that Brussels would be much more convenient.

Upon reaching Belgium, I learned that Antwerp is supposed to be a wonderful old city to walk around in. Here’s an exaggerated way of comparing the two cities: Antwerp is for backpacking tourists, Brussels is for diplomats and wealthy tourists. Because I prefer to walk around and explore very informally, I resolved to spend my free half-day in Antwerp.

After all of my angst at choosing where to stay and where to explore, I never did get to spend any free time in Antwerp. The DONNA seminar was at Antwerp University, which was the only part of the city I saw.

As an American to whom an “old” institution has existed for 60 years, it was remarkable for me to look down at the students hurrying through the courtyard....as students have done in that very spot since the 1800's. For mundane reasons having to do with bus & train schedules, I spent Saturday afternoon in Brussels.

Bob took me for “mussels & chips” at Chez Leon.

“Mussels & chips” is a dish for which Brussels is famous, and Chez Leon is the restaurant most famous for it.

(An aside here: All the guidebooks — as well as that Sabena Airlines New Yorker I spoke with — said I must try the Belgian chips. It took me quite a while to understand that they weren’t referring to potato chips; they were talking about what North Americans call french fries.)

Bob warned me that mussels were not really in season yet, but we sat at an outside table (on a narrow street with lots of foot traffic) and ate. Rarely having had mussels, I was not able to judge their quality. As for the chips? A disappointment. Not that they were bad; they were good. But I had been led to expect an experience completely removed from “french fries.” To my naive palate, these definitely were just french fries — good, not great.

On my free afternoon, I bought a waffle from a sidewalk stand. Despite the American idea of “Belgian waffles,” this was not covered with strawberries & whipped cream. But it was quite delicious, with sugar sprinkled on it — definitely as tasty as the guidebooks said.

My stroll around Brussels took me to the St. Hubert Gallery — which some claim is the world’s first indoor shopping mall, going back to the early 19th Century.

(At first, I didn’t even realize there was a roof, which is a very high skylight.)

I had dinner at an Indian restaurant, quite close to Waterloo. The food was very good, but the restaurant was empty. The owner explained that Belgians assume all Indian food is very hot (spicy), and they’re afraid to try it. What a perfect opportunity for radio! I told the owner that he should get together with the other Indian restaurants in Brussels and launch a radio commercial campaign centered on the theme:

“Indian food — incredibly delicious...and it’s NOT too spicy!”

They could offer a money-back guarantee:

“Come to any of these participating restaurants this week; if you don’t love our food, you don’t pay!”

Next Week: Flights to Virginia and to Ohio lead me to formulate new Rules For Airline Passengers.

COMMERCIAL STRATEGY: EDUCATING THE CUSTOMER

A radio station sales manager asked if I had any ideas for a relatively new client: a small, independently owned hardware store. Just one location, in the center of a small town. The store didn't seem to have any obvious Unique Selling Proposition.

So I thought about my own rare ventures into hardware stores and quickly realized a key emotion that I suspect is felt by many customers: Fear.

Not heart palpitating, sweat producing, shortness of breath inducing fear. More like uneasiness, a pronounced uncomfortableness.

Will I be able to find the tool or accessory I need?

How will I know which item to buy?

How will I know how many or what size I'll need?

If I can't find what I need, will a store employee be able to help me? Will they laugh at my ignorance?

This immediately led me to suggest a very powerful strategy utilized by too few advertisers: Education.

I suggested a series of commercials in which the store owner answers the most common questions posed by do-it-yourselfers in a relaxed, conversational, non-threatening manner....

Hi, I'm Ed Proprietor of Ed's Hardware Store. A wrench is a pretty simple tool. But if you ask someone to hand you a wrench, they might say, “Which wrench do you want? Pipe wrench? Monkey wrench? Crescent? Open-ended? Box wrench?” Here's a quick & easy explanation of the differences. (EXPLANATION GOES HERE.) The reason we carry so many different kinds of wrenches...and hammers, and saws, and screws & nails all kinds of thingamajigs and whatchamacallems... is because we want to make sure we have exactly what you need. Having helped thousands of (LOCAL) handymen & women, carpenters, electricians, and part-time fixer-uppers over the past 15 years, you can pretty much count on our having what you're looking for. And if you're not sure what it's called, don't worry; we'll know. I'm Ed Proprietor of Ed's Hardware Store on Main Street in Smalltown. Stop by today; we're here to help.

Where would YOU rather shop: At a hardware store where the clerks don't know and don't care...or at a hardware store where the clerks are eager to answer your questions without making you feel stupid?

THE WAY GOD MEANT RADIO TO BE

In our heart of hearts, all of us believe that the kind of radio we grew up with is the way God meant Radio to be.

My parents rued the passing of The Shadow and Inner Sanctum. Older Baby Boomers long for stations that program first & second generation rock 'n' roll; younger Boomers wistfully recall their Golden Age of Music: Disco.

I cannot with intellectual honesty state that radio today is worse than "my" kind of radio (lots of personality, lots of fun, lots of music that I like). It is what it is, and it doesn't need my validation to exist.

Radio has become a "mature" industry. When an industry matures, it consolidates, streamlines, standardizes and economizes. The little hamburger joints run by colorful characters give way to thousands of McDonald's.

Is McDonald's "good"? Not to me; I won't eat there. But to millions of kids, it's great. Who's right -- the kids, or me?

This is not unique to radio. Hamburger stands, movie theaters (how many readers pine for their local, double-features-on-Saturdays-for-50-cents theaters?), newspapers, carpet cleaners, appliance dealers....The same complaints in today's radio world resound in those markets, too.

That said, I do have two questions that haunt me:

Is there anyone on this entire planet who has a "favorite" McDonald's?

And...

Is there anyone on this entire planet who wakes up in the morning thinking, "Oh, boy! I get to go to work at McDonald's today!"

When You Hit 'Em, Hit 'Em Hard

Buried within my December 18 posting — "Don't Water Down The Good Stuff" — is an important lesson of which I first became consciously aware during a conversation with Dick Orkin. He was telling me about a particular campaign the Famous Radio Ranch had done in South Florida.

The big U.S.P. was the superiority of the client's service over that of the established market leader: the dominant regional newspaper. They made that the focus of the entire campaign: how lame the newspaper's service was compared to their client's (which was just being introduced to that market).

One of the local radio stations balked at airing the spot, because they didn't "want to upset the newspaper."

"How much money does the newspaper spend advertising on your station?" asked Dick.

"Uh...Nothing. They've never advertised with us."

"So what's the problem?"

The campaign aired as written, and it was hugely successful: Soon the client had a larger market share of that particular service than the newspaper.

As Dick told me the story, I had an aha! experience. When writing copy, I've always looked for strong themes and strong lines. But until that moment I never consciously sought to pounce on them; I viewed them as vehicles to help deliver the sales message.

But now when I find myself writing an "edgy" line that powerfully drives home that message, I'm quite willing to throw away the original script and start all over, with that provocative line as the commercial's focal point.

To use a boxing metaphor: If you discover your fighter has a powerful left jab, don't just hope that he occasionally throws it; build your fight plan around that left jab.

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Nordstrom

Okay, so you're thinking, "Good grief. Yet another stupid radio commercial that says nothing, in a cutesy way."

I'm confident, however, that the creators of this spot were attempting to engage the rhetorical device of litotes — affirming something by slyly denying its opposite. (You suspected that, too, huh?)

"I'm not going to tell you X," she says...and continues to tell us what she said she wasn't going to tell us.

How clever.

How witty.

How pathetic.

Let's start with the goal of this campaign: to tell Nordstrom's fans in the vicinity of Thousand Oaks that a new Nordstrom store is opening near them. If you've never shopped at Nordstrom, this message isn't intended for you.

If you've never shopped there, it will take more to get you in the door than being told the store has:

• Exciting looks from the best names in fashion for men, women and kids

• An array of shoes

* Knowledgeable salespeople

Yes, I know that Nordstrom provides service that outstrips most of its competitors. But non-customers don't know that, and they won't be convinced with those mindless clichés.

Meanwhile, Nordstrom customers know that Nordstrom sells nice, fairly expensive clothing and is famous for its personalized service. Those vacuous bullet points don't reinforce their relationship to the brand. If anything, they hurt the brand by making it sound like every other department store.

(Okay, let's be fair: It does set Nordstrom apart from department stores who advertise boring clothing from third-rate designers, a few shoes scattered about, and salespeople who don't know the difference between Pierre Cardin and Pierre Trudeau.)

And the call to action? "To learn more, visit" their website. Yep, I can't think of anything more interesting to do with my life. I think I'll go online and learn more about Nordstrom.

Here's the entire message that spot should have attempted to convey:

NEW NORDSTROM STORE OPENS FRIDAY IN THOUSAND OAKS — AT THE OAKS

That's it.

Deliver that message any way you want. Sing it, yodel it, rhyme it in iambic pentameter. But that's the message.

Best delivered sans litotes.

CRITIQUE MY CRITIQUE re: SELLING VIBRANT PICTURES

I've created this post for any Radio Advertising Letter subscribers who would like to comment on the radio station sales imaging I critiqued in the newest issue.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

RADIO AS RETROYNM

An excerpt from the most important radio book of the 21st Century, THE INFINITE DIAL, by Larry Rosin.

I'm a huge fan of words.

I solve the crossword puzzle every day. When I’m over there, I even give a stab at those British ones, which are very, very hard for an American.

Recently I came across a new English word: retronym.

A retronym is a word or phrase created because an existing term that was once used alone needs to be distinguished from a term referring to a new development.

Kind of a long definition, but if I give you a few examples you’ll quickly understand.

Retronym Example #1

For the first 500 years that a guitar existed, that word was sufficient to describe a guitar.

Then along came the electric guitar, which forced us to rename the original “guitar” as an "acoustic guitar."

So, "acoustic guitar" is an example of a retronym.

Retronym Example #2

This was once known as the telephone or phone.

But over time it became called a "rotary phone" to distinguish it from the more advanced phones that came along.

Retronym Example #3

The stuff that came out of a faucet was once known as water.

But because so many people now drink so much bottled water, we had to rename this "tap water." All of a sudden this stuff got a new name.

I was looking at this list of retronyms that someone had published and it occurred to me that I work very closely with an industry which is now also a retronym, which was once known as radio.

What was once known as radio has been rechristened as “terrestrial radio” — radio that just comes out of antennae.

All of these are cases where a new technology or advancement came along and forced the language to adjust to those changes.

But it’s not just language that has to adjust. Businesses have to adjust as new things come along.

The previous name for our entire radio industry has traveled way beyond its former meaning as just AM and FM.

I've researched this extensively in terms of what the consumer perceives different kinds of radio to be.

We have satellite radio, but the consumer perceives that as merely more radio.

Internet radio is seen by the consumer as more radio.

There's radio that comes through the TV. You might not think of that as “real” radio, but when you ask consumers what it is they say,”Oh, it’s radio that comes through the television." They see it as just more radio.

Podcasts are radio. Radio that has been captured and moved to your iPod.

In America, we are positioning HD radio as just more radio, extra radio, with extra stations.

So the consumer is already aware that radio no longer just means what's on AM and FM. They are already aware there's been an incredible expansion.

What they see is what I refer to as an Infinite Dial, a world where pretty much any kind of radio they ever might want to consume is available to them.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #16: Riding A Choo-Choo, Going To Hull

June, 1994, Part 2: Immediately following my seminar in Stowe, Vermont, I drove back to Burlington and caught a flight to Boston and then to London, England. I was surprised on this trip to discover London did have some reasonably priced hotels.

My hosts booked me at the Swallow International Hotel (which since has been supplanted — no doubt for the better — by a Marriott) for the amazingly modest corporate rate of £49 per night. (That was not their regular price, and you probably had to be a great negotiator to get it.)

The Swallow wasn't fancy, but it wasn't a dump. (I’ve stayed in far worse London hotels.) Lots of international tours stayed there, so it was pretty busy. Its location was neither great nor terrible. You couldn't walk to the theatre district (a disadvantage for me). It was, however, within walking distance of both the Natural History Museum and Harrod’s.

The biggest thing the Swallow had going for it, actually, was price. I'm pretty sure very few guests stayed there for the food. (Insert your own "British Cuisine" joke here.)

My flight was a red-eye across the ocean, so I arrived early Sunday morning in a state of exhaustion. I checked into my room, collapsed on the bed, and slept...until I was awakened by loud, booming sounds from down the hall. It turned out the hotel was undergoing renovation. (Possibly one reason for the cheap room rate?)

Somehow I eventually managed to fall asleep again, and I slept soundly...until I was startled out of bed by the sound of someone opening the door to my room.

It was the hotel maid.

Furious, I bounded to the door, pointed at the “Do Not Disturb” sign hanging from the knob, and said, “Do you see this sign??”

“Yes,” she replied, “but I have to make up the room.”

“What’s the point of my hanging a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign if you’re going to disturb me?" I thundered. I do not recall her precise response.

Before taking the train to Hull on Monday, I found time for a one-hour walk. I don’t think I’d ever seen such a diversity of nationalities, modes of dress, languages...as well as every ethnic restaurant imaginable.

The TV weather report mentioned England’s heavy pollen count (odd for an American to hear a weather report that covers the entire country), and I felt it: maximum hay fever. Sudafed didn’t make a dent in it.

My very first train ride (if you don’t count theme park trains, subways, and the commuter train out of New York’s Grand Central Station) took me to the industrial port of Hull. In my naivete, I had pictured a mammoth chug-chug-chug train. I realize some people love riding on trains, but I can’t say it seemed like anything special.

The only even mildly interesting things that happened were when an international spy was chased up and down the aisles by an Interpol officer...and the shots they exchanged...and, of course, the dead body in my first class compartment.

Hull, As England Sees It

Hull isn't exactly a tourist destination. In fact, it's been "honored" by the BBC as "the worst place to live in the UK." I happened to be in Hull during the one day of the year when the weather was nice, however, and (British readers will read this with mouths agape) found the waterfront to be quite pretty.

Hull, As I Experienced It

On Tuesday I conducted How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising for Metro Radio Group, thanks to Maurice Dobson and Mike Bersin. At the time, Metro Radio Group made lots of money by selling its creative expertise to its advertisers. By this, I mean that Metro:

1. Invested lots of money in its creative teams (as opposed to putting all its emphasis on sales but having its commercials written by some bright, low-paid young person who puts clients’ fact sheets into complete sentences).

2. Actually charged its clients for Metro’s production.

Metro’s “Creative-Led Selling” was a breath of fresh air (okay, except for the pollen), and I was flattered to be invited to speak to their salespeople and creative team members from across the UK.

Next Week: Brussels or Antwerp?

A SHOCKING TRUE TALE ABOUT CHRISTMAS ADVERTISING

Alan David Doane of Adirondack Broadcasting offers this heartwarming Christmas advertising tale. (You do remember last week, right?)

Hey Dan,

You may find this story funny...and it has a shock ending, too.

An AE wrote a script for an out-of-the-way gift shop in our area that sells handmade gift items. I didn't think much about the script, because it was a rush job and I didn't write or voice it, but when I was producing the voicework, one thing stood out to me like a brick to the head.

As I write this, it's the Friday before Christmas in the worst economy perhaps ever, and where I live we are facing blizzards tonight and Sunday. So the client's ad has the chance to work for them, really, only Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. And then, well, we can all guess how the first quarter of '09 will be for out-of-way shops that sell handmade gifts, can't we?

The spot talks about all the wonderful, unique items you'll find at this shop, closing with the location, and the perfect two word tag:

CLOSED MONDAY.

After laughing for 20 minutes or so at the client's bird-flip to listeners and to their own bottom line, I had to go ask the AE: "Does the owner of the store get dialysis on Monday?"

He looked at me a little blankly as everyone else in the cubicles around him laughed uncontrollably. (I had already played the spot's tag line for pretty much anyone who would listen.)

Then I explained that, unless they really have some life-threatening reason they can't be open Monday, they might want to reconsider the idea of being closed on one of the last four days this year (or perhaps decade) that they will be able to make any money.

Then, the AE shocked me. He said, "If I can get the client to open on Monday, would you be willing to re-edit the spot?"

I told him, quite honestly, "That is one re-edit I would be happy to do."

And shockingly, the client saw the wisdom in staying open, and now instead of CLOSED MONDAY the spot ends with directions to the store, so listeners can actually go there and spend their money. Even on Monday.

It's a holiday miracle!