WHEN SOMEONE LEAVES YOUR RADIO STATION TO TAKE A JOB ELSEWHERE

Have you ever sent an email to someone at a radio station — only to receive an automated reply informing you the person no longer works there?

If so, the message probably was similar to this one, which I received yesterday:

Bob Smith is no longer employed at XYZ Broadcasting Co. If you need to contact someone please call our main office during normal business hours at (333) 333-3333.

Contrast that with an email that I received exactly one month earlier. This was sent proactively — before the people in his address book would have a chance to send an email that would only bounce back to them.

Good Afternoon!

I wanted to send you a quick email to let you know that I will be leaving XYZ Broadcasting — KXXX / KYYY as of today. I've accepted a position with Radio X as Market Manager in (City, State).

I'm excited about the new challenges, but somewhat saddened with the fact that I leave an incredible staff behind. KXXX and KYYY Radio have always strived to deliver the very best marketing and service to our clients. Let me assure you that this will not change. Our staff stands ready to serve you for years to come delivering the same quality service you have come to expect from XYZ Broadcasting. If you should need anything, please don't hesitate to give me a call on my cell at (333) 444-4444 or email at jameson@idooie.com. My new business contact information is listed below as well.

To streamline the transition process, I'm also including two key contacts for your address book. Please forward any email, faxes or calls to their attention. Barbara Bell — Sales Manager — (333) 333-3334; bbell@XYZBroadcasting.com; Carol Collins — Business Manager — (333) 333-3335; ccollins@XYZBroadcasting.com.

Thank you again for your continued business and I look forward to working with you down the road.

Respectfully,
James Jameson
VP of Radio Operations
XYZ Broadcasting

Compare those two messages, as well as the thought processes behind them.

The first one says, "The person you're trying to reach doesn't work here any more. If you're an advertiser or otherwise do business with our station, call us at our convenience and we'll try to find someone who is willing to talk to you."

The second one says, "This person is leaving for a new job in another city. If you want to reach him personally, here's how to contact him. If you wanted to talk to him about business related to our radio station, we want to make it easy for you to reach the right person."

This is so obvious, right?

The second version is the one that makes good business sense.

So why is the first version is so much more familiar to you?

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Hollywood Bowl

"I'm glad we got to the Hollywood Bowl in time to catch the sunset." — A typical example of "telling" instead of "showing." When they are at the Hollywood Bowl, real people rarely find it necessary to remind themselves that they are at the Hollywood Bowl.

The SFX don't sound like the Hollywood Bowl. They sound like generic homina homina crowd noises. Every sound in a radio commercial will generate a visual image in the listener's mind. Some listeners will picture a party, others an amusement park....But this doesn't paint the specific picture of the Hollywood Bowl.

What is this guy's intent? Why is he babbling on about sunsets? Is he trying to impress the woman? Is he attempting to share his passion for sunsets? No way of telling from his delivery. He's not having a conversation; he's performing a monologue.

For the first 30 seconds it sounds as though they're trying to sell the Hollywood Bowl experience — a bland, "nice place to come when the sun is setting" pitch. That half of the spot ends with what the writer apparently thinks is a joke — that the guy lives on Sunset (Boulevard). That's funny?

But suddenly, the Beach Boys begin to sing. Unfortunately, some female immediately begins talking over them, forcing us to choose: Do we listen to "Wouldn't It Be Nice" or do we attend to this woman's babbling about experiencing our perfect sunset?

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: When you talk over the vocals of a huge hit song, no one listens to your words. (Guess what? The Beach Boys won't be appearing there. If you listen closely enough, you discover they're trying to promote an appearance by Brian Wilson.)

"Beach Boys co-founder Brian Wilson" — no human being who would be interested in seeing Brian Wilson perform would use those words to describe him. "Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys," maybe. Or just "Brian Wilson." Presumably under similar circumstances they would refer to "Former Beatles bass player, Paul McCartney."

But wait. It's not about sunsets or the Hollywood Bowl or Brian Wilson or the Beach Boys; it's about the "end of summer," complete with fireworks.

"Hey, you wanna go see Brian Wilson at the Hollywood Bowl?"

"No, I can't stand him or his music."

"But they'll have fireworks."

"Oh, in that case...Sure!"'

No, no, It's not about sunsets or the Bowl or Brian Wilson or the Beach Boys or the end of summer or fireworks; it's about THE SOUND OF MUSIC — for which apparently we're supposed to dress in costume, participate in a parade, and then sing along.

Hey, we're approaching 60 seconds! Let's see if we can end with a ridiculous declaration. I've got it: "The Hollywood Bowl: Part of your life."

For the many listeners who don't consider the Hollywood Bowl part of their lives, this advertiser made an untrue statement.

What do you call an advertiser who tells the truth 99% of the time? A liar.

What do you call this radio commercial? A meaningless mess.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #5: A Suspiciously Perfect Trip

September, 1993:

September was full of travel adventure. I presented The Psychology Of Management at the NAB’s Radio Convention in Dallas. Big deal, so he went to Texas.

Okay, how’s this for an itinerary:

On a Monday in late September, I flew from Los Angeles to Amsterdam, where I changed planes and continued on to Stockholm. In Stockholm, I changed planes (and airlines) again for a flight to Kristianstad, Sweden, where I arrived Tuesday night.

On Wednesday I conducted an air talent seminar for Sven Linderoth and Radio Kristianstad. That night Sven drove me to the airport, and I flew back to Stockholm.

On Thursday, I conducted an air talent seminar for Anne Chaabane and Swedish Local & National Radio.

On Friday I conducted my How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising seminar for Scandinavia’s largest advertising agency, ARE Annonsbyrå. (My hosts were Gaute Hanssen — who had attended an earlier seminar of mine in Stockholm — and his Managing Director, Harald Ullman.)

Friday night I flew to London, where on the following day I conducted an air talent seminar for presenters from throughout the U.K. The seminar was organized and produced by Lin Glover (ably assisted by Amanda McAllister).

Sunday was comparatively tame; I travelled but did not perform. I flew from London to Amsterdam and prepared for four days of seminars there.

On Monday I conducted an air talent seminar in Utrecht, for Ben Groenendijk and ROOS, Holland’s public radio service. (Ben organized all of the Utrecht seminars, which were attended by radio professionals from throughout The Netherlands.)

Tuesday: Seminar for Dutch program directors.

Wednesday: Talked to journalism students in the morning, then drove 45 minutes or so to Amsterdam, where I delivered the keynote speech at the 3rd Dutch Broadcast Congress that afternoon, then returned to Utrecht.

Thursday: Commercial copywriting for radio & ad agency people.

And then I rested?

No, after the last Dutch seminar I was driven back to the airport in Amsterdam and got on a plane to Milan, Italy.

Friday: Air talent seminar seminar for RTL, Italy’s second largest national radio station.

Saturday: Commercial copywriting seminar for RTL.

Sunday morning: Caught a VERY early flight to Amsterdam, then connected back home to Los Angeles.

For those keeping score at home, that’s nine flights in five countries on three airlines taking me to 11 seminars/speeches in 14 days.

So....How was it?

Like clockwork. I couldn’t believe it. Not only did I not miss a single connection, I even got on an earlier one (more on that in a moment).

Here’s what little I remember of those two weeks:

I spent most of my flight to Amsterdam (on the way to Sweden) practicing saying “thank you” in Dutch. (Phonetically, it’s “Dahn-koo-vel.”)

One advantage European airports have over North American airports is shorter minimum connecting times. I arrived in Stockholm — a very friendly airport — on a KLM flight, collected my luggage and brought it to an SAS window for the connecting flight to Kristianstad. The agent looked at my ticket, noticed my flight wouldn’t leave for another two hours, and asked, “Would you like me to put you on a flight that leaves for Kristianstad in ten minutes?”

Having begun my trip many hours earlier in America, my answer was an eager “yes.”

Ah, but a problem. My host, Sven Linderoth, would be picking me up at the airport in Kristianstad. How would I get word to him of the schedule change?

Pulling out a few Swedish coins from a previous trip, I cautiously approached a pay telephone. I could not figure out how to use it....and my plane was leaving within minutes.

I found a sympathetic Swede who showed me how to use the device and even tried to explain how to place a long-distance call. Somehow I succeeded in calling Directory Assistance and, miraculously, on my second attempt I managed to reach Radio Kristianstad and advise Sven of the change.

Kristianstad is a picture postcard of a Swedish town. It's named after a Danish king — Christian IV — who visited the town only once, for a week. During that week, he laid out plans for the entire city.

Kristianstad was conceived as a fortress city, with only two entrances. From the center of the town, you can see both of the gates. The entire city was surrounded by a huge wall which, regrettably, the town fathers decided to tear down at the turn of the 20th Century. (Can you imagine what an incredible sight that 30-foot wall would be if left intact today?)

I stayed at the Christian IV Hotel, a very gracious and impressive building. (It used to be a bank.) My most indelible memory of that hotel is the music: In the hallways and in the elevators, 24 hours a day, they played Frank Sinatra songs.

Kristianstad was so beautiful that it seemed like a crime to leave just 24 hours after my arrival. I've hoped to return on a business/vacation trip ever since.

Remember I said the airport in Stockholm is friendly? It’s the only airport I’ve seen where the bathrooms are stocked with drinking cups...a very nice, unexpected little touch. (Have you ever tried to take vitamins or Dramamine with the aid of a water fountain?)

Oh, before we leave Sweden: My first Swedish lunch, back in May, was in the cafeteria of Swedish National Radio. What did I eat? Seafood? Meatballs?

Nope. I had the day’s special: enchiladas. On this return trip, I couldn’t help but order my now traditional “Swedish” meal.

Swedish Food

I am, however, pleased to report — from another dining experience while in Stockholm — that Swedish meatballs are a lot tastier than the stuff we eat in the States.

On the plane to England from Stockholm, I learned from a newspaper that Alan Ayckbourn had a new play running in London. This was hardly surprising; he’s the world’s most successful English-language playwright. He also happens to be my favorite. I mentioned this to Amanda McAllister, and she managed to secure a couple of tickets for the performance following the seminar.

The play was, of course, very good....I assume. I was so exhausted from the seminar that it took a tremendous effort for me not to fall asleep. But I was quite excited, nonetheless, to see my 10th or 12th Ayckbourn play.

Next Week: My September adventure continues, as I "went through my back" in Holland. (Ask a Dutch friend to translate.)

RADIO STATION PROMOTION (which also saves the planet)

The U.S. gradually is emulating much of the rest of the "first world" nations by discouraging the use of "use 'em and discard 'em" grocery bags. Instead, shoppers are being prodded into bringing their own canvas (or canvas-like) shopping bags to the supermarket.

Major grocery chains are selling such bags, adorned with the store logo. This strikes me a good opportunity for your station to get ahead of the curve, eventually be seen as a trend leader, and garner massive consumer exposure.

A quick Internet search reveals wholesale costs per bag as low as 59 cents each. Why not partner with your local Big Supermarket Chain, put both your logos on the bags, and price it so that it's self-liquidating?

You put up half the investment (which is returned if the item truly self-liquidates). The supermarket chain buys an extra schedule touting your joint "Save The Planet" initiative. You price the bags as low as you possibly can, both so you'll look good to the public and to make it a "no brainer" for someone to buy one and do their small environmental duty.

Or maybe convince some well-heeled environmental group to fund the bags in exchange for the massive promotional and distribution efforts you and the supermarket will be making.

How To Ruin This Idea: Make it look like your typically cheesy radio station giveaway item. Make your logo big and garish, with pictures of your air talent and exhortations to listen each Thursday morning for your chance to win $10,000.

That's not the kind of bag most people want to be seen with in public.

Instead, your logo should be small, discreet, tasteful. Name and dial position, that's it.

One side of the bag features the store logo. The other features yours, in the lower left corner. (With nothing else printed on that side of the bag, the logo will stand out.)

Just an idea.

TWO UNIQUE RADIO IDEAS FROM SIOUX FALLS

I'm the first to admit it: I'm kind of expensive. So I'm especially tickled when a small market radio group brings me in to work with its air staff, because it demonstrates that management really does care about the people who work the front lines every day.

Years ago Jake Jacobs arranged for me to spend two days working with the air talent of Results Radio in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. On the afternoon of the second day, I coached them through my Defining Your Unique Listening Proposition workshop. Here are two quick ideas they came up with.

• Instead of ending his listener phone calls with, "What's your favorite radio station?" (a predictable cliche), one jock decided to try ending each call with, "What's your favorite condiment?"

• Scotty Collins came up with a prerecorded "Stunt Winner," which can be played as needed instead of airing the occasional bored-sounding contest winner. The Stunt Winner will ALWAYS sound incredibly excited, grateful, and forever loyal to the radio station.

DICK ORKIN: THE STORY BEHIND THE RADIO COMMERCIAL

The first session at 2008's International Radio Creative & Production Summit was entitled "SECRET CASE HISTORIES FROM THE RADIO RANCH: From Client Problem to Creative Solution to What You Heard On The Air."

Radio legend Dick Orkin pulled back the curtain to reveal behind-the-scenes stories of a number of The Radio Ranch's many successes — some well-known, others less so.

(That's Dick on the left, with me on the right, pretending to be interested.)

One great success was for Carlsberg Beer, but only after they figured out how to solve a problem: The ad agency insisted they use the line, "Don't touch my Carlsberg!"

As Dick explained, it wasn't easy to find a way to use that line in a manner that didn't sound overly aggressive. But they managed to overcome that obstacle, as you'll hear in this spot (featuring Tom Poston along with Dick).

When doing a comedy spot, it's important to build to a payoff at the end. Notice how this one does just that.

Although this campaign aired in Ireland, the agency specifically wanted to use American voices. Perhaps they figured "American" and "aggressive" go together nicely.

By the way, if you'd like to get the Complete Audio Record of this year's Summit, you'll also receive 3 very cool bonuses...if you act quickly.

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Southern California Toyota Dealers

The Southern California Toyota Dealers have a long, proud tradition of God-awful radio advertising. Witness:

• They begin by telling people to take their Toyota to their Toyota dealer before giving them a reason to.

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: Don't give your Call To Action before giving people a reason to act.

• If the story of this commercial somehow is about your chance to get two tickets to the L.A. County Fair, that should determine the spot's opening words. Is this spot supposed to be about Toyota, or is it supposed to be about your getting two tickets to the county fair?

• Why should you attend the County Fair? They have:

"The most carnival rides" — The most? Compared to whom? The most in the world? The most they've ever had?

"Mouth-watering foods" — Okay, now I'm getting really annoyed. That's the type of line that quite likely was written by a secretary, not by a commercial copywriter.

"Spectacular attractions" — Yep, they're so spectacular they can't give us even a single example. What do they mean by "attractions"? A bearded lady? Einstein's brain? The Greater Fresno Accordion Marching Band?

"The largest marketplace in the West" — Um, guys? What kind of marketplace? Is it a farmer's market? Flea market? Collectibles?

"The End of Summer Concert Series" — Uh, want to give us a clue re: the kind of music we can hear there?

And then, of course, it ends with two tons of audio fine print.

Congratulations, Southern California Toyota Dealers. You've maintained your status among the worst of the worst radio advertising.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #4: The Case (Keg?) of The Missing Beer

August, 1993:

All of my work this month was spent outside the U.S. First I flew to Frankfurt, Germany, where I conducted two air talent seminars for FFH (and Hans-Dieter Hillmoth) and Munich’s Antenne Bayern (headed by European radio legend Michael Haas). Then we all moved to Munich, where Antenne Bayern played host to my How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising seminar.

Inasmuch as this was my first flight on Lufthansa, as we left Los Angeles I asked my seatmate what kind of experience to expect.

“Well, this is a German airline, and they don’t care so much about the food or the service.” — we (ahem) were in First Class — “But you can expect everything to run smoothly and on time; Germans are very concerned about efficiency.” (My seatmate, by the way, was German.)

I kept remembering this prediction when, an hour into the flight, my seatmate couldn’t get his leg rest to retract back into his seat...and a flight attendant spent nearly two hours trying to force it back.

And I did sense a certain irony in the fact that the video monitor was on the fritz, going dark for 10 seconds every couple of minutes for the entire flight. (Movies are very welcome on 10-hour flights.)

As usual (I’m getting spoiled in this regard), people were very nice to me...with a couple of sullen (and very minor exceptions). I clearly remember the wordless customs official at the airport in Munich; he just stared silently at me and handed back my passport. “Nice chatting with you,” I offered as I left.

My taxi driver from the airport to my Frankfurt hotel also said nothing from the time I reached his cab to the time we reached the hotel. At the hotel, we both got out, he opened up the trunk, and then he thoughtfully stepped out of the way to allow me to remove all of my luggage myself.

As I removed my little luggage cart, it came into contact with the outside of the trunk and removed almost enough paint to cover the point of a safety pin. Suddenly the driver became very talkative, pointing to the virtually invisible paint damage and punctuating his screaming with wild gestures.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Sorry? Sorry??” He ranted on and on in German, obviously expecting me to thrust large amounts of money at him. I stood and watched for a minute or so, and he didn’t let up.

Finally I asked, “Would you like me to call a tow truck for you?” At this, he stormed to the front of the vehicle and drove off.

One odd thing about the very nice hotel in Frankfurt:

During my 2 – 3 days there, I never saw another hotel guest. Of course, German cities empty in August as residents go on vacation. But it was spooky to be the only human being in the restaurant each morning for the standard European breakfast (which typically is included with hotel room rates). Lots and lots of food set out, buffet style...just for me.

On my first evening in Frankfurt, Hans-Dieter Hillmoth took me for a great dinner at a restaurant directly overlooking the Rhine River. (Gee, this demanding life of mine sure is tough.)

One habit that appears peculiarly American is expecting soft drinks to be served cold. Fruit drinks and sodas were brought during break time at FFH, and I innocently asked someone, “Do you have any ice?”

He looked at me oddly and replied, “No. Why do you ask?”

(By the way, when travelling in Europe, don’t look for Diet Coke. It’s called “Coke Light,” “diet” having a negative connotation there.)

Because I was there for three days, I was able to spend a rare few hours walking around Frankfurt, which is the most “American” of German cities. One very interesting structure that caught my attention was an 8-story vertical shopping mall called Les Facettes.

On this walking tour, I kept noticing the word schmuck in shop windows.

What, am I being called names by German shopkeepers? Turns out “schmuck” means “decorations” or “ornaments” — which can apply to the things you hang on Christmas trees as well as things people hang on themselves for decoration (e.g., jewelry).

In Munich, (actually, Unterfohring, just outside the city), I stayed in a very lovely, small hotel. Accommodations were pretty cramped; it was like staying in a tiny college dorm room. But it was very charming and homey.

While waiting for a ride to Antenne Bayern the first morning, I went for a stroll around the neighborhood. A woman came by, walking her dog, and stopped to chat with me for several minutes. She went on and on about her beloved pooch, and I quite enjoyed the conversation...even thought I don’t speak or understand German. I simply nodded my head a lot, laughed when it appeared appropriate, and offered a casual wave goodbye as she departed.

On my last evening in Munich, Mike Haas took me into the city for a meal at a real German restaurant...where they ran out of beer. (No, it wasn’t due to my over-imbibing; I don’t drink.) Mike found this to be particular embarrassing.

Both the leg rests and the video projectors worked on the Lufthansa flight home. And shortly before landing in Los Angeles, the First Class crew rolled out their big surprise for the passengers: a barrel of beer.

RADIO STATION IMAGING SAMPLE: Jamie Watson

Canada's Jamie Watson blew the room away during the State-of-the-Art Station Imaging panel at this year's International Radio Creative & Production Summit.

His stuff is so original and varied that it's impossible to select a "typical" piece to share with you. But here's one of his....

If you hurry and order the entire Summit audio package in time, your three bonuses will include an entire CD filled with stuff from our Imaging panel that wasn't played at the event.

RADIO STATION IMAGING SAMPLE: Terry Phillips

Another sample from the State-of-the-Art Station Imaging panel at this year's International Radio Creative & Production Summit.

Terry Phillips of WYCD/Detroit creates roughly 4,000 imaging pieces per year for his country music station.

Usually he's required to include all kinds of sponsor info, so he goes out of his way to find an entertaining hook for each piece — and often they're not exactly what "country" radio imaging usually sounds like.

If you hurry and order the entire audio package in time, your bonuses will include an entire CD filled with stuff from our Imaging panelists that wasn't played at the event.

RADIO STATION IMAGING SAMPLE: Howard Hoffman

Our State-of-the-Art Station Imaging panel at this year's International Radio Creative & Production Summit included KABC's Howard Hoffman. Tons of great audio & ideas were shared during that session.

Here's one example — intelligent yet provocative imaging for a typically confrontational AM talk station.

(If you hurry and order the entire audio package in time, your bonuses will include an entire CD filled with stuff from our Imaging panel that wasn't played at the event.)

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: When Clients Love Their Jingles

Radio veterans know that the easiest way to sell a commercial schedule is to sing the advertiser's name.

This Los Angeles area automobile dealership loves its jingle.

They've been playing it for years. In fact, I must've heard their radio commercials for a decade before I even realized they're a car dealership. Honest, I assumed they were a place that makes keys, and they're on Van Nuys Boulevard.

Is that because I'm incredibly dense?

Undoubtedly that's the explanation you'd get from the agency and the advertiser. But I'm no dumber than the average radio listener, and the reason it took me so long to know what they heck they sell is their commercials sell...their jingle.

Which isn't even very good. The production is mediocre. The weak falsetto lead makes it difficult to understand all the lyrics without effort — and what radio listener wants to work to understand the words of a commercial jingle?

This jingle reaches two types of listeners:

1. People who aren't familiar with "Barbara Ann," the Beach Boys' hit from the '60s. (Yeah, I know the Regents had the original hit. And yeah, I know the lead singer is Dean Torrence, of Jan & Dean.)

2. People who are familiar with "Barbara Ann."

For listeners who don't know the original song, all they hear is a lame jingle.

But here's something the geniuses behind this campaign apparently don't realize:

The listeners who remember the hit song compare this jingle to...the Beach Boys' version:

It's like comparing someone who failed the open auditions for AMERICAN IDOL to Kelly Clarkson. Downright embarrassing.

There's no way this advertiser will dump the jingle. But at least they could feature their product/service in the song's hook. You know, the part that "gets stuck" in people's heads?

What's The Story?

A good commercial sells the results of the product or service being offered. It does so by painting a picture of someone enjoying those results.

If you force yourself to listen to this commercial, what do you picture? The woman answering the phone, probably seated at some sort of desk. Although it's supposed to be "the emergency room," the phone sfx and her voice tone are more likely to generate the image of an office.

The guy on the phone has "a song stuck in my head." So he does what most people do when they have songs stuck in their heads. He calls the emergency room. That is so relatable to our everyday experience.

Buy From Us; We Lie To You.

"Everyone's singing, 'cause everyone's saving."
• No one is singing.
• Where does the "everyone's saving" claim come from? How is it demonstrated or proven in the commercial?

"You and the rest of L.A." got that jingle stuck in their heads.
- No, they don't. For every listener who hears this spot and doesn't have that jingle stuck in their heads, the advertiser is a liar.

I Got Your Unique Selling Proposition Right Here. Two of Them.

"Come in now and get a free appraisal!" Holy cow! A car dealer that offers a FREE APPRAISAL?? Talk about an irresistible offer...

"Plus, we'll buy your car whether you buy ours or not." Another Stop The Presses moment: They buy used cars. And they'll buy yours even if you don't buy a vehicle from them.

That's the best they can do with 60 seconds of air time? Brag about their jingle, offer a free appraisal, and mention that they buy used cars?

Ah, But The Advertiser Will Say:

"Oh, yeah? How come whenever someone learns I'm with Keyes on Van Nuys, they immediately sing the jingle to me??"

Well, think back to when you first began to advertise. What was your goal? Was it to get people to sing your jingle when they meet you? Or was it to motivate people to buy cars from your dealership?

I guarantee the advertiser does not hear this very often: "What a great jingle! After hearing it again and again, I decided to buy a car from you."

The jingle reinforces the advertiser's name. But getting people to remember your name without associating it with what you sell isn't a particularly smart strategy.

REAL ESTATE RADIO SHOW + AIRCHECK CRITIQUE

Those are the major topics in the current issue of my Radio Programming Letter.

I've created this post for any subscribers who would like to comment, disagree, or illuminate.

RADIO COAST-TO-COAST: Mystery Station ID's, Part Two

I've been told this was created by Phlash Phelps, but I haven't yet been able to confirm that.

I think you'll find the title to be self-explanatory. Here is Part Two of a wonderful radio journey across the United States.

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE TV SITCOMS...

This ain't radio, but it's a very cool event I co-produce with a TV superstar buddy.

If you've ever dreamed of leaving radio behind and writing sitcoms for a living (which is exactly what my co-producer did), we're now accepting registrations for The Sitcom Room.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #3: Dan's Nobel Honor

June, 2003: In mid-June, I conducted The Psychology of Management for Jackie Lett and the Mississippi Association of Broadcasters convention in Gulfport, followed on Sunday by a full-day version of Air Personality Plus+ in nearby Biloxi. I knew it was going to be a great visit when I arrived at the hotel just in time to enjoy the MAB’s terrific cajun dinner buffet.

Ten days later I presented The Psychology of Management for Judy Smith (and Bob Ganzer, who prompted the decision to bring me in) and the Virginia Association of Broadcasters. Immediately after the seminar, I rushed to the hotel lobby, grabbed my bags from the bell station, jumped into a waiting taxi and hollered, “The airport — and step on it!”

I arrived at Norfolk airport 20 minutes before my flight to Atlanta, where I changed planes and flew to Manchester, England. I slept on the plane and was met at Manchester Airport by someone who drove me to Blackpool, about an hour away.

Lin Glover and Amanda McAllister already had registered me with the hotel, which allowed me to go directly to my room, shower, change my clothes, and then go right back downstairs to present What Every Radio Station Manager Should Know About Programming for the UK’s national Programming & Promotions conference, which was attended by virtually every independent radio station in the UK.

Shortly after my speech, Amanda forced me (I was happily talking radio with the attendees) back into a taxi for the ride back to Manchester Airport, just in time to catch a 6:30PM flight to Oslo, Norway...where the next day I conducted an air talent seminar for Svein Larsen, Mary Crouch and the staff of brand new station Radio P4.

Although originally I had been scheduled to return home the following day, Mary’s incessant bragging about the beauty of Norway convinced me to add a rare “walking around” day before flying back to Los Angeles.

All of that was so long ago. Here’s what I remember about the various travels.

I was quite excited to be booked to speak to Virginia broadcasters, because I began my radio career in the tiny Virginia town of Chatham.

Main Street — Chatham, Virginia

The airport in Atlanta had a very impressive “food court” in Terminal A. Because I had a 3-hour layover and knew I’d want to sleep on the flight to England, I ate dinner at the airport. Doesn’t sound very appetizing, but I had a terrific Chinese dinner at “Manchu Wok” — I highly recommend their egg rolls.

Although Blackpool is well-known to the British as a beach resort, I never had heard of it until this trip was booked. Frankly, the name sounded kind of depressing. But (back in 1993) it looked like a booming, exciting, fun resort area, and I sorely wished I could have spent time wandering around. Instead, I viewed it from the window of my taxi.

It was on my flight to Oslo that I decided that airports should add a special security checkpoint to make sure that all departing passengers are reasonably well acquainted with soap or deodorant or both.

My stay in Norway was far too brief. Oslo has done an admirable job of limiting growth; as a result, the city looks much as it did 60 years ago. (I doubt, however, that the huge Toyota sign towered over the city in previous decades. And I’m not sure how well that gigantic can of Coca Cola being poured into a gigantic cup fit in.)

My hosts housed me in Oslo’s Grand Hotel, and it truly is grand. I could have spent an entire day just wandering its halls.

The hotel was playwright Henrik Ibsen’s second home. P4 managed to put me in the “Nobel suite,” where every Nobel peace price winner has stayed. I didn’t even known I’d been nominated.

My balcony overlooked the town square, which was filled with people long into the night. (Being late June, it didn’t get dark until quite late at night.)

Norwegian dining notes

What device are Norwegians quite proud of having invented?

The cheese slicer.

The Original Cheese Slicer

Yeah, I know: Norwegians also invented the paper clip. Get over yourselves already.

You rarely see chicken on Norwegian menus; it’s extremely expensive, not being an indigenous fowl. Oslo does, however, have a (sigh) McDonalds — a very large, two-story affair that features not only Big Macs (27 kroner) but also Norsk McLaks (Norsk = Norwegian; Laks = salmon).

The day after our seminar, Svein Larsen sacrificed his Sunday to take me on an insider’s tour of Oslo. It truly is a beautiful city.

The next day at Oslo airport, a Delta employee managed to reroute my return trip so I wouldn’t first have to fly back to England and then to the States. When, after much time & effort, she told me she could make the changes I wanted, I smiled and gave her the “A-OK” sign with thumb and forefinger...only too late remembering that that means something entirely different outside the U.S.

Delta had incredible security at that airport. Before being allowed to get in line to go through Security, every passenger was personally interviewed by a security officer. One came to interview me while I was waiting for the Delta agent to rewrite the ticket. (Remember, this was long before 9/11.)

On the connecting flight from New York to Los Angeles, I found myself wishing the airplane had a “NO GUM POPPING” sign in the cabin. Gum Poppers appear to be genetically incapable of interpreting dirty looks from annoyed neighbors.

RADIO STATION LESSONS FROM MY DOCTOR'S OFFICE

I'm in a doctor's waiting room, waiting to be called in for my appointment. I forgot to bring my own reading material, so I wander over to their magazine rack in search of something to help pass the time.

They have multiple copies of just two magazine titles.

One is Biking. Undoubtedly, this has great appeal to people who spend large parts of their lives on bicycles. I don't happen to be one of those people. But one of the doctors there must be.

The other magazine is Stroke Connection. No, it's not about swimming. It's about strokes — the kind where a person's arteries fail to provide enough blood to the brain. It's published by the American Stroke Association. Undoubtedly a fine organization. But not my idea of reading enjoyment.

Radio Programming Application:

What magazines are in your station's lobby? Old trade publications? Local business publications in which you advertise? Or do you offer only recent magazines of broad, general interest?

Look, what is the profile of the person who reads the magazines in your lobby?

• They're waiting.
• They don't know how long they'll have to wait.
• They're uncomfortable in an unfamiliar environment.
• The longer they wait, the more they resent you.

You can aggravate all of the above conditions by insulting that person with magazines that are there for no reason other than someone thinking, "Hey, why don't we put them in the lobby instead of just throwing them out?"

Or you can put your visitor (advertiser, potential employee, listener, community member) at ease by showing genuine concern for their comfort.

Four types of magazines you should offer your visitors:

• People
• Sports Illustrated
• Time or Newsweek
• "Women's" magazine (Redbook, etc.)

Your lobby affects your relationship with each person who waits there. Do you want that affect to be pleasurable...or annoying?

OVERHEARD ON THE RADIO

Finalist, Lamest Segue:

"And now, continuous light rock continues...."

THANK GOD RADIO STATIONS NEVER SAY SUCH DUMB THINGS

Whenever I call my bank, Wells Fargo, the customer service rep asks, "And how is your business doing today?"

1. My business is none of yours.

2. You don't care. You're asking only because some consulting genius convinced Wells Fargo's management it would be a good idea — pretending to care about how my business is doing.

Probably like most of your customers, I want to take care of my bank-by-phone business as quickly as possible. Being forced to engage in ridiculous and meaningless small talk wastes my time.

If indeed time is money, then this policy wastes my money and causes my business to "do" worse; I'm answering your insincere question (to which you reply, "Good, good") instead of concentrating on my business.

Kinda like the radio stations that take 45 seconds to tell listeners they spend less time talking and more time playing music.

Kinda like the radio stations that say, "We want to know what YOU think" but never answer their studio lines or respond to emails.

You don't prove you care by saying you care; you prove it by showing it.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Government Sponsored Advertising Strikes (Out) Again

Before you hit the "play" button, get ready to hit "pause" at :03. Ready? Okay, remember: Pause the audio at :03....

Assuming you did pause at :03, I don't suppose you're able to predict the wacky misunderstanding that will follow, huh? Go ahead, listen to the rest of it.

What a shock, huh? Who would've guessed the kid was referring to the name of a website, while the Moron Dad thought his son was (repeatedly) asking him a question? What a masterful use of the element of surprise in humor.

How believable is the father? Does any of that sound like a real father-son relationship?

Is that the tone of voice a man uses when speaking to his young son? Does it sound like a man talking to his son, or does it sound like a voice actor delivering corny lines?

If you're a father, how often do you find yourself saying to your child, "I'm your father!"

In theatrical terms, that's "telling" rather than "showing." In laymen's terms, it's "bad writing."

It's also terrible directing. Listen to the way the kid is forced to pronounce "to" in "Who Do You Want To Be?" A real kid would pronounce "want to" as "wanna" or "wantuh."

So what? Why is it important for this to sound "real"?

Because those people are supposed to represent the targeted consumer. The targeted consumer is supposed to identify with those people. In which of those two phony people do you see a version of yourself?

But ultimately the only question that matters is, "Does the commercial succeed in motivating the targeted listener to act on the sales message — to do what the advertiser wants the listener to do?"

This commercial campaign — presumably financed with taxpayers' money — is trying to get people to visit the website. (Just what the heck the website does or why it exists apparently is not important.)

How successful has it been? Well, according to Alexa.com, that website is the 20,241,359th most popular site on the Internet! You can't argue with success.

COAST-TO-COAST: Mystery Station ID's

Someone gave me this cassette, somewhere between 1988 and 1992. Most likely it was handed to me at one of my seminars, although it might have been mailed to me.

I don't know who made the original; I wish I could credit them. And I don't even remember who gave it to me.

I think you'll find the title to be self-explanatory. Here is Part One of a wonderful radio journey across the United States.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #2: Falling In Love With Sweden

March, 1993: I began the month with my fifth appearance at the Country Radio Seminar in Nashville, where I conducted a special half-day radio programming seminar (Power Phones and Radio Self-Promotion: How To Manipulate the Media).

The most memorable moments came when all of the electricity in the mammoth Opryland Hotel went out...for a couple of hours. (Later I heard an automobile had smashed into a nearby power line.)

Fortunately, just moments before I had finished changing my clothes; otherwise, I would have been stuck in my underwear in my pitch-black hotel room until the lights went back on.

Now the truth can be told: I ghost-wrote a joke for R&R’s Erica Farber, who was about to address the attendees. MTV’s Unplugged still was new, so I whispered to Erica, “Welcome to CRS Unplugged.” Huge laughs when she delivered that line to the audience. And I got none of the credit.


The highlight probably was Dolly Parton’s terrific concert performance. This was the first time I’d seen her, and after 25 years of performing I expected a highly polished yet lifeless show. The enthusiasm and energy which infused her performance serve as an inspiration to radio & tv performers everywhere.

Two weeks later I conducted The Psychology Of Management in Toronto for Canada’s Music Industry Conference (now known as Canadian Music Week). This was the first year the MIC featured an exhibit hall, and word-of-mouth response seemed strong enough to suggest they’d do it next year, too...but bigger. By now, of course, CMW has become a huge event.

April, 1993: Although I’ve worked with the NAB on several occasions, this was my first speaking appearance at the huge Spring Convention in Las Vegas. Proud new father John David and Susan Platt asked me to create a new, 90-minute session entitled What Every Radio Station Manager Should Know About Programming.

May, 2003: I spent the first week of May in Stockholm, where I conducted a series of four seminars (2 programming, one management, one commercial copywriting) for Anne Chaabane of Swedish Local Radio. Sweden’s very first paid commercials aired April 1, so there was a very strong interest in the techniques of writing powerful radio spots.

This was my first visit to Sweden, and I fell in love with the country. The weather was postcard-perfect (even though everyone kept telling me it’s usually much colder that time of year). Stockholm is a great city for walking around (my favorite tourist activity).

Strolling around Gamla Stan (Old Town) — with homes & shops that have been in continuous use for 300-400 years — was wonderful. The people are very friendly in Stockholm, and everyone speaks English.

Although America is popular with Sweden, you might think otherwise from a great sign I saw outside a Gamla Stan restaurant. The entire menu was printed only in Swedish, but taped to the window were the following English words:

“DON’T COME IN HERE! WE DON’T HAVE ANY KETCHUP!”

My strongest memory, however, is of a visit to the Vasa Museum. In 1628, the largest and most expensive battleship in the history of the world — the Vasa — was launched in Stockholm harbor. (Sweden was at war with Poland at the time.) All of Stockholm gathered to witness its maiden voyage.

Twenty minutes later, a gust of wind appeared, the ship listed to one side, water rushed in the open gun port holes, and with frightening speed the Vasa sank to the bottom of the harbor. This was a huge embarrassment for Sweden and its king.

An inquest was held to assign blame. When it became apparent that the two people most responsible for the debacle were the King and his right-hand man, no verdict was rendered, and the Vasa eventually (and deliberately) was forgotten.

In 1951, a Swedish researcher learned of the Vasa’s sinking, and he decided to look for it. Five years later, he found it. Due to the harbor’s frigid waters and peculiar lack of woodworms, the ship had lain virtually intact for over 300 years. After five years of work and preparation, in 1961 they raised the Vasa ...and towed it up the harbor on its own keel.


It’s the only complete battleship from the 17th Century, and it’s in exquisite condition. (Until it was raised, historians weren’t even sure what 17th Century battleships looked like.)

For two years after raising it, the ship’s curators continuously sprayed it with water to keep it from crumbling. Gradually they replaced the water with a preservative, and after 40 years there’s no sign of deterioration.

The Vasa is three stories high, and it’s housed in a wonderful museum that already has attracted millions of visitors.

Trust me: Visiting Gamla Stan and seeing the Vasa are worth a trip to Stockholm. (If you’re thinking about going — it’s beautiful there in summer — feel free to call me for tips on air travel, hotels, customs...and even how to say “hello” and “thanks” in Swedish.)

After a week at home, catching up on mail and phone calls, I made a quick but enjoyable trip to Kalamazoo, Michigan, to conduct Air Personality Plus+ for WRKR. WRKR’s president, Ed Sackley, had attended my NAB convention session and booked me on the spot; just one month later I had the pleasure of working with his air staff. (He also gave me a VERY classy station t-shirt — perhaps the most impressive I’ve seen.)

THE BEST MOVIE TRAILER I EVER EXPERIENCED

20+ years ago I was at the Writer's Guild Theater in Los Angeles, waiting for a movie screening to begin. A trailer for another film preceded the movie we had come to see.

No one in the audience — comprised of "industry people" — had ever heard of this not-yet-released new movie. Nor of the star (whose name isn't even mentioned).

But when this trailer ended, the entire theater burst into HUGE applause. A spontaneous, unanimous, "Wow that was great!" ovation.

Turn up your volume first....

They should give Academy Awards for Best Edited Trailers: John Lithgow's eye movement at 0:58 is magnificently placed, resulting in great foreshadowing that shifts the focus from pure fun to something more sinister.

This movie trailer is like a great record: Just as good now as the first time I experienced it.

MY CUSTOM TRAILER FROM DON LaFONTAINE

For years, attendees of my International Radio Creative & Production Summit had suggested that I get Don LaFontaine to be a guest speaker. Only one problem: Don and I had never met nor had any kind of contact, and I was a too intimidated to call him up.

Finally I reminded myself of the counsel I always give others: "Don't say no for the other person; let them say yes or know for themselves." I believe that was in 2006.

Don was quite nice to me, but we had a schedule conflict that year. He said, "If you still want me, I'd be glad to participate in 2007...if I'm still alive."

I assumed that was just a flippant reference to his having reached the age of Not As Young As I Used To Be.

The stars appeared to align much more efficiently in 2007, and Don officially became part of that year's Summit program.

One morning less than a week before the Summit, the telephone rang the moment I came into the office. It was Don LaFontaine, calling with palpable chagrin and regret to explain that he wouldn't be able to make it.

At my request, he recorded an audio explanation for me to pass along to the attendees. (I wrote the opening line, and Don took it from there.)

When he called, it was obvious that Don was stricken at having to bail out on such short notice. He kept apologizing.

Finally I said, "Don, trust me: If I could find a way to spin this situation so that I could get mad at you, I would. But I can't figure out any way to blame you for this, so don't worry about it. Have a safe trip, and say hello to Riley for me."

Don, it was an honor to know you.

PHONE NUMBERS, FOOT PAIN and A FAILED CAMPAIGN

Those are the three major topics in the current issue of my Radio Advertising Letter.

I've created this post for any subscribers who would like to comment, disagree, or illuminate.

DON LaFONTAINE

Farewell, Don.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Target Pharmacy Misses The Target

As you listen, try to guess what they're advertising. (They don't reveal it until they've used up 45% of their commercial time.)

The "Hey, Mister" line is clever. It's also phony as can be. Some "creative" person is showing off. The "magical place" line is cute, too. And it causes you to assume the message ultimately will lead you to lower medical costs — not to savings on prescriptions.

What's the big message? "$4 PRESCRIPTIONS."

That's a potentially powerful lure.

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: When you've got a powerful hook, lead with the hook.

Of course, after they reveal what they're selling, they contradict themselves completely and confuse us unredeemably: It's a "simple way to save."

Here's how "simple" it is:

• Pay $4 for 300 of the most common prescriptions.

• Pay $10 for a 90-day supply.

• If you're a Target credit card holder or a Target check card holder, you'll earn a "Target Sale Day" with every ten prescriptions you fill. (You're taking notes along with the rest of the audience, right?)