BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

SMN's HISTORY OF RADIO: 1969 – 1974

Part Five from Satellite Music Network's “The History of Radio.”

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #12: Driving Like In That Scene in FARGO

March, 1994: Karole White brought me back to Michigan to present WHAT EVERY RADIO MANAGER SHOULD KNOW ABOUT PROGRAMMING to their state broadcasters convention in Lansing.

Each year the MAB includes a “Beer & Bull” evening session, offering attendees the opportunity to sit, shmooze, and share ideas in a very relaxed & informal atmosphere. Monday evening’s B&B was so relaxed that I left the hotel considerably later than I had planned for my next day’s engagement.

I had to drive an hour or so to Grand Rapids. Although the local weather forecast predicted snow beginning around midnight, no one seemed to think that would happen. By the time I packed up my belongings and retrieved my rental car from the hotel garage, it was 11:50PM.

At five minutes past midnight, it began to snow. Hard. Very hard. With wind, lots of wind.

Suddenly this California boy was driving an unfamiliar vehicle in the dead of night on an icy highway with snow flurries so strong that visibility was about six feet.

I had two options: I could drive slowly and hope the blizzard wouldn’t intensify to the point where I simply couldn’t risk driving. Or I could drive fast and hope that I reached my hotel in Grand Rapids before I collided with some other snow-blind vehicle.

I decided to drive fast.

Actually, what I really decided was to find someone’s tail lights, follow them, and hope they knew were I was going.

It was during this harrowing journey that I witnessed what perhaps is the most stupid thing I’ve ever seen while driving. The highway offered two lanes in each direction, with a divider in the middle. I was driving in the right lane. Another car was in the left lane, just slightly ahead of me. (The visibility was so poor that all I could see was its tail lights.)

We both were doing about 70 miles per hour. I know, that in itself sounds pretty stupid in a blizzard, but I figured if I kept with the traffic flow I’d be less likely to be hit from behind... and, as I said, I was gambling that I’d reach the hotel before I had to give up.

A third car pulled up alongside me, apparently in a hurry. In fact, he was in such a hurry that he was tailgating the guy in front him, flashing his bright lights on & off...at 70 miles per hour in a snowstorm!

Somewhat to my surprise, I actually made it to my hotel. After a few hours sleep, Tom Marshall picked me up and drove me to WKLQ, where I conducted my full-day AIR PERSONALITY PLUS+ seminar for his airstaff. WKLQ had just (the previous day, as I recall) taken over a competing station, WLAV, so there was a lot of excitement among the staff...or, I should say, staffs.

I stayed a second day to conduct my commercial copywriting seminar, HOW TO CREATE MAXIMUM IMPACT RADIO ADVERTISING, for the sales & production staffs, thanks to GM Bart Brandmiller and GSM Jennifer Wynn Stoll.

After completing the seminar, I was dropped off at my hotel, checked out of my room, loaded up my rental car...and discovered the battery was dead. Inasmuch as I had to drive an hour (to Kalamazoo) that night (again, in the snow), I had been hoping to complete at least part of the trip before dark. Alas, it took an hour for the AAA vehicle to arrive (later I realized I could’ve called Hertz had them send someone out), and night fell before I left.

How was the drive? I’ll spare you the details. Suffice it to say I found myself going round & round the highway interchange at Kalamazoo. When I finally managed to get onto the right road, it winded around forever, I got hopelessly lost again, and I arrived at my hotel in a very foul mood.

Little did I know my troubles had not yet begun. Or, to be more accurate, they had begun but I wouldn’t realize it until much later.

The following morning I drove through the snow to conduct AIR PERSONALITY PLUS+ for WKFR. This was a double repeat engagement; the previous year GM Ed Sackley had brought me in to conduct a seminar for the air staff of one of his other stations. And I had done a seminar for his PD, Rick Belcher, a few years earlier when Rick was programming a station in Saginaw.

It snowed heavily all day, and it still was snowing when I returned to my hotel to pack up and head for the airport. (An old O’LINERS subscriber, John Dial, attended the seminar and was kind enough to lead me in his car, first to my hotel and then to the airport. I didn’t have time to get lost....Or so I thought.)

At the airport, I learned that my flight to Chicago (which connected to my flight back home to Los Angeles) had been delayed...for five hours. There were, however, no seats available on the only remaining United Airlines flight out of Chicago.

I managed to get United to book me instead on an American Airlines flight in Chicago. There would be just enough time to make the connection, which had been delayed from 10PM until 11PM.

I reached O’Hare Airport, grabbed my bags and raced off the plane and across the airport to the American concourse, arriving at my gate just in time...to see the gate agent post a sign indicating my flight would be delayed for an additional 3 hours. Great.

Here’s a tip for you:

Whenever your flight is delayed for a couple of hours or more, ask the gate agent for a food voucher. A good way to phrase it is, “Are you authorized to issue a food voucher for me?”

That way, the question is not whether they’ll give you one but whether they have the authority to do so. Once you’ve established they do have the authority, it’s hard for them to refuse you.

Taking my $8 voucher, I dawdled over my food at T.G.I. Friday’s as long as I could, then returned to the gate. Some of the people waiting endlessly to leave Chicago apparently were actors. One of them suddenly got up and burst into uninhibited song, ad-libbing lyrics about our predicament.

Everyone laughed and applauded. This, it turned out, was a mistake, because it encouraged him to continue. The guy just wouldn’t stop (imagine a male Ethel Merman), and it served to make the interminable wait that much more unbearable.

Finally arriving home in L.A., I assumed my troubles were over.

I assumed wrong.

In February, I had produced the second annual PD Grad School in Dallas. As in the previous year’s event, I had arranged for Art Vuolo — along with a second cameraman — to videotape our guest speakers. Art then took the 8mm videotapes back to his home in Michigan, where he transferred them to VHS review copies. Rather than ship them to me, he thought it would be safer to hand them to me (the copies and the masters) at the MAB Convention. And that is what he did.

When I got home and unpacked, I couldn’t find the videotapes.

Not anywhere.

I started to get nervous.

I looked everywhere.

But they weren’t anywhere.

Remember, I’m talking about the only video masters and the only video copies.

I checked my car (in which my bags had nestled on the drive back from the airport.)

I checked, doublechecked, and rechecked my suitcases....again and again.

By now I wasn’t nervous. I was panic-stricken.

I called the three hotels and I had stayed at. They hadn’t seen my tapes.

I called the two airlines I flew back home on; no luck there, either.

I called the three hotels again...and yet again.

I called the airport in Kalamazoo. (No easy feat, by the way. They have an unlisted number.) Would someone please look for a box of videotapes? I might have left them on a shelf next to the shoeshine stand when I opened my bag to find something to munch on during the five-hour delay.

Not there.

I called the airport in Los Angeles.

Not there.

It was a nightmare.

I took out newspaper ads in Grand Rapids and Kalamazoo. (I was pretty sure I remembered packing them before leaving the hotel in Lansing.) Offered a big reward.

No response.

I gave up.

No videotapes. All that effort and extra expense for nothing.

A couple of weeks later, I received an unexpected phone call. It was the manager of the hotel in Grand Rapids (the second of my three hotels on that trip). My box of tapes suddenly had appeared in his Lost & Found department; he had no idea where they came from. His best guess was another hotel guest somehow inadvertently carried them off and then sent them back to the hotel when the mistake was discovered.

And so, at long last and well after I had given up, my tapes made it home to Los Angeles.

But this whole incident was so traumatic that I've never since had any PD Grad School sessions videotaped.

REACTING TO A COMPETITOR'S MISLEADING RADIO CONTEST: Conclusion

This saga began with a letter I reprinted in Tuesday's posting...

Here is what else I'd do....

I'd get a list of all the markets served by the competing group owner. Then I'd create a promo in which I slowly read the names of all of those markets. Something like this:

Another radio station wants you think they're a Jackson radio station and that their big, fake $5,000 contest is for people who live in Jackson. But as you've probably heard by now, that other station is owned by a huge conglomerate with hundreds and hundreds of radio stations across the country. And each day, this huge, multi-billion dollar conglomerate gives $5,000 to ONE audience member among their millions of audience members.

If you're thinking those are pretty lousy odds, we agree. So the next time that other station pretends they've got $5,000 to give away to you or someone you know, keep in mind that this fake, cheesy contest ISN'T just for people who live in Jackson. It's also for people who live in...

Albuquerque, New Mexico

Boston, Massachusetts

Caribou, Maine (etc.)

(TAG WITH:) If you don't want to be manipulated by a huge conglomerate that thinks you're stupid enough to fall for such a scam, WXXX offers an alternative. Listen tomorrow morning a little after 7 o'clock, and you or one of your friends, neighbors or colleagues will win 94 bucks.

(DISCLAIMER, read quickly to FADE): Contest not good in Albuquerque, New Mexico...Boston, Massachusetts...Caribou, Maine (etc.).

Other than all that...I probably wouldn't respond at all.

REACTING TO A COMPETITOR'S MISLEADING RADIO CONTEST, Part Two

If you missed yesterday's explanation of the situation, scroll down to yesterday's posting first...

For the faked winner phone call, I'd explain to my audience, truthfully, what the other station did. In fact, I'd go one better: I'd call the "winner" from the national contest.

First, I'd get permission to record the call; I wouldn't want this to backfire on me. And I'd end up airing a call like this:

ME: Hello, is this Edwina Richter?

WINNER: Yes, it is.

ME: I'm calling from WXXX radio, and I understand you're a big fan of WZZZ.

WINNER: Who?

ME: WZZZ.

WINNER: I'm sorry, but I've never heard of WZZZ.

ME: But... Didn't you win their big contest?

WINNER: On WZZZ? No...

ME: But they played your voice on WZZZ in Jackson, Mississippi, and you were talking about how excited you were to have won!

WINNER: Well, I did win $5,000 on WAAA in New York City, but I've never heard of WZZZ in Jackson, Mississippi.

ME: You're kidding!

WINNER: No....

ME: Well, let me ask you something, Edwina. If I told you that WZZZ Radio in Jackson, Mississippi, has been playing your voice on the air and telling everyone in Jackson that you won their contest, would you be surprised?

WINNER: I sure would!

ME: And if you found out that WZZZ Radio in Jackson, Mississippi, has been trying to make it sound like you live in Jackson and listen to WZZZ, what would you think of them?

WINNER: I'd think they're liars.

Things You Should Not Do:

1. Record even a single word of such a call before first receiving permission to do so. (You can always coach the winner, if necessary, after you get permission to record.)

2. Air the call without first getting (and recording) the winner's permission to do so.

3. Air the winning call that you taped from the competing radio station, to illustrate their duplicity. This would constitute an illegal rebroadcast of another station's signal, and if that station files a complaint then you'll end paying a fine.

Tomorrow: The gloves really come off....

ONE WAY TO REACT TO A COMPETITOR'S MISLEADING RADIO CONTEST

Question From A Reader:

Recently a "local"station began a contest called "Big Money Birthday Guarantee" in which they award $5,000 a day. They announce a birth date and the 100th person (or whatever number) born on that date to call in wins the $5,000. In actuality this "local" contest isn't local at all. It's a part of a nationwide collective contest run simultaneously on stations all over the country. Okay, not a big deal right? It gets tricky from here.

Another station (totally locally owned) runs a promo regarding a $94 a day contest they conduct, informing the public that the $5,000 contest isn't being conducted by the other station but by a corporate conglomeration of stations nationally. No call letters were mentioned, just a little promo to inform local listeners that every one of their winners would be from a local community.

The $5,000 station retaliated thusly: The morning guy took one of the daily national winners' phone calls and edited it to make it sound like he was actually the one giving the money away. No mention of community or location. (The winner was from the New York area. Hard to imagine she was listening to a Jackson, MS station). Granted, it was "creative" on his part, but the bottom line is he's deceiving his listening audience. Am I the only one who has a problem with this?

Okay, let's have some serious fun.

If I were the smaller, local competitor, I would hit them hard. I would "estimate" the odds of winning either contest:

According to the latest census, there are 115,243 people living here in Jackson, and each of them has an equal chance of winning $94 tomorrow morning on WXXX. Meanwhile, according to a pretty good guess made by one of the guys in our engineering department, the number of people living in cities where the national contest being heard on another station in town is being aired is approximately 153,789,425. Which contest do YOU think has the better chance of putting real money in YOUR pocket?

And:

When WXXX says we'll give away cash every morning to a Jackson area listener, we mean it. When that other station says THEY'LL give away cash every morning, they're lying. Strong words, we know. But true. Because THEY don't give away ANY money... and despite what they want you to believe, so far NO ONE who lives in or anywhere near Jackson has won a penny from that other station's "contest." They won't tell you the truth, so we will:

That other station is owned by a huge conglomerate of radio stations. We've got no problem with that. WXXX happens be a real, 100% Jackson owned-and-operated radio station. Some people like bland, corporate radio stations; our listeners happen to like local radio. But this huge conglomerate — they own hundreds of cookie-cutter-like radio stations around the country — tells all of its stations what to do, what to play, and what to say.

And they have told those stations that they MUST participate in this big scam that they call a contest. Every one of their stations is told to lie to their listeners, to pretend that each station is conducting a contest in which it gives away $5,000 a day.

But here's the really dishonest part: Of all those stations, of all those tens of millions of listeners, only ONE listener each day wins. And guess how many winners their poor station here in Jackson has had since the beginning of this contest? Zero. None. Zip. Nada.

And I would do the same for the faked winner phone call: Just explain, truthfully, what the other station did.

In fact, I'd go one better. Details tomorrow....

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Tax Firm

Let's Begin With The Good.

The opening line clearly identifies and captures the attention of the targeted listener.

These lines are strong:

"The IRS is looking for you."

"The most brutal collection agency in the world."

The rest, alas, is a bit of a mess.

This commercial sounds as though the copywriter made a list of all the points that might be included in the spot — and reeled them off, one by one. The result is disjointed. The commercial has no flow; it doesn't pull you along. The guy just keeps talking until his 60 seconds are up.

"The IRS will stop at nothing. Don't let this happen to you."

Huh? Two disjointed thoughts. Seeds of copywriting approaches, yes. Fully grown copy, no.

The problem is intensified by the announcer's delivery. You're saying someone is out to get me? Someone might put me in jail? That's serious, highly personal stuff. But this guy sounds like a voiceover for a 1960s laundry detergent commercial.

"...just hired a massive amount of new government agents"

— I don't believe that. It might be true, but this spot makes it sound like a bluff because it avoids any specifics. If it is true, then the number of new agents is a matter of public record. Find that number and put it in the commercial. Remember, Specificity Helps Create Believability.

Tax Relief ASAP is "the most effective tax firm"? What does that mean? Who says they're the most effective? (Actually, you and I know the answer: They say they are.) If you're going to make a "best" claim, you need to specify what you're best at, and you'd better have something to back it up. Otherwise, it's just an empty boast that doesn't help build your credibility.

"Over 31 years of proven experience"

— I think I smell a client's copywriting at work. Is that supposed to be a Unique Selling Proposition? If I've got tax troubles and I find a firm that has over 32 years of experience, should I choose them instead?

When they list what the IRS can do to you, they should stop after the third threat. Informally known as "The Rule of Threes," you need to stop before the listener finds it tedious.

Let's take some of the raw material that somehow was read directly into a microphone and begin to craft a more cohesive, personal and powerful message:

If you owe the federal government at least $10,000 or have unfiled back taxes, 18,000 IRS agents are looking for you. They can seize your property, force you into foreclosure, even put you in jail. But there IS some good news: If you owe the IRS $10,000 or more, you may qualify for the 2008 settlement program. That means you might be able to make things right for just pennies on the dollar — legally. No more sleepless nights. No more worrying when the phone rings. No more fear of losing everything, all because you got behind on your taxes....

Music Imaging Idea: How Would You Use It?

I've created this post for any Radio Programming Letter subscribers who would like to comment, disagree, or add to the music imaging idea I shared in our current issue.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

SMN's HISTORY OF RADIO: 1965 – 1970

Part Four from Satellite Music Network's “The History of Radio.”

MORE re: THE MOST IMPORTANT RADIO BOOK OF THE 21st CENTURY

An unsolicited review from Scott Chasty (Dougall Media, Canada):

Bought, downloaded and read THE INFINITE DIAL. Fascinating stuff, I couldn't put it down.

And from someone who requests anonymity:

This morning I read THE INFINITE DIAL from cover to cover and then had to recheck the front page to see if it had my name on it! Granted, Larry is far more skilled in getting the point across than I ever would be, but this is exactly what I have been trying to explain to people higher up in our organization.

It has given me the confidence to, right now, very firmly put forward the strategy (again) that we must adopt.

The possibilities are endless. We have the opportunity to tie up just about everything in our area and lock it down tight — advertising, information services, entertainment, community forums, the word on the local street, etc. We have the infrastructure and skills to control all of that.

The future is so bright for us, but getting others to understand what incredible advantages and possibilities we have at our disposal is proving difficult to say the least!

If you want to be working in radio 5 years from now, you need to read this book today.

FINALIST, WORST OFFER IN A RADIO COMMERCIAL

Heard on a Los Angeles radio station:

"Mention this commercial and we'll pay for your parking when you buy any suit or tuxedo."

FINALIST, WORLD'S MOST CONFUSING & LAME CONTEST or How I Learned To Love Sales Promotions And The Hell With My Audience

An Australian jock writes:

We play 3 short grabs from different movies and the punters (contestants) have to guess the names of the actors. The competition happens every weekday about 7:15.

* The first caller through each day, out of 4 callers, goes into a draw to win a newly released movie DVD at the end of the month.

* The first caller to guess all 3 actors wins a jackpot amount of movie rental vouchers.

* All the contestants that win then go into a draw at the end of the year to win a year's supply of video rentals.

* On-air the yearly prize is mentioned only when someone goes into the yearly draw.

* It's hard to explain in words; on-air it's equally hard explaining it to the listeners. Then you have the problem of someone calling who doesn't realize that the previous day the actors were guessed and now we have a set of 3 new Video Voices.

My Reaction:

The monthly prize is a video? You mean, they win a video...plus a state-of-the-art entertainment center on which to watch it, right?

A yearly prize?? I've never heard of such a thing, but it must be a huge, GIGANTIC prize! Ten million dollars in cash?

This contest is an insult to your listeners, an insult to your radio station, and a compliment to your client's skill in getting you to give them a year's worth of advertising without providing any real value in return.

How To Fix This:

No monthly prize.

No yearly prize.

Daily contest: Each day produces one winner, who receives his/her choice of any FIVE videos in the store...to KEEP.

And:

Find a big stick to use on the salesperson who put that monstrosity on the air.

THE MOST IMPORTANT RADIO BOOK OF THE 21st CENTURY

Yep, sounds like hype. But I mean it.

If you want to be working in radio 5 years from now, you need to read this book today.

RADIO ADVERTISING PRINCIPLE: SPECIFICITY

If you want to be believed, don't talk in generalities; be specific.

Which do you find more believable:

A) At Ed's Real Barbecue Restaurant, we slow-cook our meat longer than most other restaurants ... And you can taste the difference!

B) At Ed's Real Barbecue Restaurant, we slow-cook our meat for 17 and 3/4 hours .... And you can taste the difference!

Moses didn't descend Mount Sinai with "some" commandments; he brought exactly ten.

Baskin-Robbins doesn't offer "a bunch" of flavors; they offer "31."

Other Examples You Can Use In Your Commercials:

"In and out in just 20 minutes." (Automobile lube job, tire service, oil change, etc.)

"At Ed's Bank, we know that time is your most precious, irreplaceable commodity. That's why we're pleased to report that 94% of our customers spend no more than 3 and one-half minutes in the teller line. As for the other 6% .... Believe me, we're working on them, too!"

"The all-new Blattmobile gets 34.6% better mileage than any other car in its class!"

"93% of our laser eye surgery patients go back to work THE VERY SAME DAY!"

Instead of saying you've got the biggest selection," prove it by quantifying it:

Ninety-three different models of TV sets

Shoes from 46 different leading manufacturers

168 different entrees on our dinner menu

How effective is this technique? It's been proven to increase the results in 89.7% of the commercials it's been applied to.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Our Financial Crisis is Over!

At least, the state of California must have so much money that they can throw it away on worthless advertising:

Message The Listener Hears: "Recycling is good."

Call To Action: "Go to bottlesandcans.com"

Reason to Go To bottlesandcans.com: Uh...We'll have someone get back to you on that one.

Thanks, California Department of Conservation. Here's an idea: How about conserving our tax dollars, rather than flushing it away on garbage like this?

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY CARTOON

SMN's HISTORY OF RADIO: 1955 – 1964

Part Three from Satellite Music Network's “The History of Radio.”

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #11: Brain Freeze in Dallas

February, 2004: February usually is overly busy, and this year was no exception. The month started in Dallas, where I presented BUILDING A WINNING MORNING SHOW at PD Grad School. Two weeks later I was in Morgantown, West Virginia, where I conducted WORLD-CLASS RADIO COMEDY for the West Virginia Association of Broadcasters’ convention. (Marilyn Fletcher thereby became an early member of the Three O’Timers Club.)

Later that same week, I returned to Dallas for the Radio Advertising Bureau's Managing Sales Conference, where I was booked to conduct my commercial copywriting seminar, HOW TO CREATE MAXIMUM IMPACT RADIO ADVERTISING.

This was my first appearance for the RAB, and it was a very impressive event. I couldn’t believe how many different speakers & sessions they had — beginning at 6:00AM (!) and going until 10:00PM, for three days.

Most speakers and seminars were allotted one hour. I doubt if anyone reading this has ever seen me conduct a one-hour seminar; I find it difficult to cram as much information as I want to share into as little as two hours.

Fortunately for me, the RAB selected my session as one of only two long-form presentations, giving me 2 1/2 hours...twice. That is, they asked me to present the same seminar on Friday and again on Saturday.

I didn't know how this seminar would be received. Although everyone in our industry will quickly agree that, in the long run, commercial radio stations can prosper only by producing commercials that deliver results for their clients, in reality it’s only a minority that will back up that claim by educating the people who create those commercials.

If you examine the “training” budget at 98% of American radio stations, you’ll discover that somewhere between 90% and 100% goes to sales training....and little (if any) to the kind of training that improves the product (i.e., on-air sound and/or commercials).

Meanwhile, every day across North America radio salespeople hear the objection, “I tried radio, and it didn’t work.”

Of course it didn’t work. The salesperson — oops, I mean “marketing consultant” — sold them a spot that said, “For all of your ______ needs, come on down to our convenient location with low prices and huge selection, with our friendly, knowledgeable staff....”

Okay, I’m back on my soapbox. But look around: How qualified is the typical radio station copywriter? How much is he or she paid? How much real, professional-level education is he or she given?

The way to get rich in radio is NOT to sell commercials to lots of clients. It’s to sell lots of commercials over a long period of time to the same clients. Most people know it’s more profitable to keep an existing customer than to land a new one. But too many radio salespeople think their job is over when they land the account.

All of which is why I wondered how interested these hard-bitten, bottom-line oriented, dollars & cents sales managers would react. After all, mine was the only session devoted to “radio creative.” In 1994, that was considered an odd topic for an RAB conference.

I guess it went okay. They’ve invited me back every year since — including for March, 2009 in Orlando.

I arrived in Dallas on a Thursday night and conducted the seminar on both Friday and Saturday mornings. On Saturday evening I attended the big reception and was sitting and chatting lazily with a couple of radio sales managers when I happened to look at my watch: 9:00.

Suddenly, I remembered I was booked on a flight back home at 10:00...and I hadn’t even packed my bags. I jumped up, shouted my goodbyes, ran to my room, and called the Lowe’s Anatole’s bell station.

“I need a taxi downstairs in three minutes to take me to the airport!” I yelled into the phone.

“Oh, don’t worry; there’s always one nearby. Just come on down and I’m sure you’ll have no problem,” replied the bellman.

“No. I don’t want one ‘nearby.’ I want a taxi waiting right outside the the hotel entrance with the car doors open and the engine running.”

Slamming down the phone, I picked up all my “stuff” (books, tapes, notes, seminar materials, dirty laundry) and crammed it into my suitcase, struggled to the elevator, and stumbled out of the hotel into the waiting taxi. I don’t recall for sure, but I probably told the driver, “The airport — and step on it!”

We pulled up to the airport curb, I jumped out, threw some money at the driver, grabbed my bags and ran first to the security check-point and then to my gate.

The gate area was empty. The only person in sight was an airline employee, closing the door to the jetway.

“Wait!” I yelled.

She opened the door. I ran to the plane. As soon as I was aboard, they closed the hatch. As soon as I sat down and fastened my seat belt, we began to taxi prior to take-off.

I believe I stopped perspiring shortly before we landed in L.A.

LESSONS FROM SITCOM WRITING

Today I'm preparing for our annual Sitcom Room, where people get the unique opportunity to find out what it's like to be part of a TV sitcom writing team. One truism all great comedy writers seem to agree on:

"Never sacrifice a character for a joke."

No matter how funny the joke, if it doesn't fit the character, dump the joke.

You can — and should — apply that rule to your radio commercial copywriting: Never sacrifice the commercial for a joke.

The relevant question is not, "Is this joke funny?"

The question to ask is, "Does this joke enhance the impact of the sales message?"

If the answer is no, take it out of that spot and file it away to use some other time in some other message.

LOTS OF TALK ABOUT THE RADIO COPYWRITING VIDEO

Lots of reaction to my first Radio Copywriting video — mostly positive. If you haven't checked it out, here's where to find it. (It's the first of a series of free videos.)

CIRCUIT CITY: A LESSON FOR RADIO

Circuit City is the second largest discount consumer electronics chain in the U.S. This week they filed for bankruptcy.

In an attempt to return to profitability, less than two years ago Circuit City "laid off" (fired; sacked) a few thousand employees whom Circuit City decided were being paid too much. No, not top executives who pulled down huge bonuses and outlandish benefits. These were sales "associates" who were being paid above what management had determined to be the market norm for their positions.

Why were those employees being paid so much? Because they were veteran associates whose tenure and job performance ratings had been rewarded with higher salaries.

In other words, Circuit City decided to save money by firing their best employees. Those employees were told they could reapply for their old jobs at a "a market-based salary" — i.e., for a lot less money.

If you've been to a Circuit City since then (I have), you might have noticed the salespeople appeared to know less about their merchandise than you did.

Apparently that strategy didn't work.

Meanwhile, in the U.S. the same strategy is being applied by Corporate Radio: Save money by firing your highest paid employees. Or by offering to renew their contracts but at greatly reduced salaries.

Before everyone lauds me for criticizing this policy, I should point out that some of these "you're too expensive" victims had been overpaid all along. They never should have received the outlandish salaries they were given by managers who were unable to differentiate between a show host who was lucky enough to be on a highly rated station and a personality who brought ratings to the station.

But the ones who earned it? Not the ones who just came along for the ride but who brought in the listeners, which translated to ratings, which translated to revenue?

Radio stations that employ intelligent managers conduct a cost/benefit analysis before making such salary cutbacks. Sometimes — I know you hate to hear this, but it's true — sometimes the reduced revenue from an air shift's ratings drop is considerably less than the dollar amount of the salary being saved. In other words, sometimes it's a cold but economically defensible move.

Sometimes, I said. Not usually.

Circuit City thought they were saving money. In reality, they were weakening the consumer experience at their stores. Radio stations that decimate their listener experience should not be surprised when ratings — and revenue — decline further.

YES, RADIO STILL CAN BE FUN

When Lloydie was at the UK's NRG, he'd give away — Well, I'll let him explain it.

"When bands visit our radio station on promotional tours, rather than doing a standard interview I get them to play 'Twister' in our studio while I ask questions. When we're finished I get them all to sign the Twister mat. Once ten bands have played, I give away the game on-air.

The girl I gave my last Twister set away to went absolutely mad on-air. You would have thought she'd won £10,000! She invited all her friends and family around to see the prize she's won from me. And if she had won £10,000, she would never have been able to buy something with so many famous signatures on it.

Total investment by radio station in contest? £10 for the Twister set and around £5 in postage. And the amount of talkability we got from it was far more than any cash giveaway."

Nope, they didn't even make her "come to the station during normal business hours and pick up your prize."

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Eastwood Insurance

I'll just assume Eastwood Insurance paid a license fee to use "Tighten Up" as this spot's music bed. A little surprising, but it would be even more surprising to discover they used a copyrighted piece of music without paying for the rights.

Why did they think that piece of music would increase the impact of their sales message? Beats me.

They actually have the germ of a human story that could grab the attention of the targeted listener, but they make a couple of mistakes:

1. They "bury the lead." Instead of beginning with the human story, they start with a generic attack on "broker fees" and then start talking about themselves.

2. They claim they're telling a "true story," but they don't give us enough details to believe it. The "guy" who "stopped in" — If it's a true story, that guy has a name. Tell us his name. Details increase credibility.

Do you believe "Mark Ramirez" is an Eastwood agent? Sure. He speaks everyday "regular" language — and he begins by telling us his name. We believe he exists. We're not so sure about that guy and his buddies.

The misuse of music obscures the excellent dialogue:

"We don't charge a broker's fee, and that saves you cash."

"True story: This guy..."

Excellent fast start. Complete sentences not always necessary. (But, again, it "started fast" 18 seconds into the commercial — which is too late to start.)

"A guy stops in after his buddies tell him about..."

"He knew they had to be jokin'."

"He was droppin' 460 bucks — ouch!"

"So we run the numbers, and the price drops like a rock."

Poetic? No.

The way real people talk? Yes.

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN (which, fortunately, made a stop at Eastwood): Speak the language of your target audience.

Quick & dirty edit to demonstrate how this spot could have begun with the story and grabbed the attention of the target audience from the opening words:

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

MY FAVORITE RECENT SONG YOU'VE NEVER HEARD

If it weren't for Pandora, I never would have discovered one of my new favorite songs.

Although I never especially cared for "girl groups" (The Angels' "My Boyfriend's Back" being one notable exception), what I most love about this recording is how faithful they are to the original form. Not even for a moment do they lose their focus or stop to wink at the audience.

The group is The Hot Toddies.

Consultants might — okay, they will — disagree, but I wouldn't be surprised if this would be popular among Oldies audiences. Yes, Oldies.

The Hot Toddies

Naturally, I received their permisssion to stream this for you.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #10

December, 1993:

I'm aware that people most enjoy the episodes in which terrible things happen to me. Although no misfortunes befell me this month, returning to two former radio stomping grounds as an "Expert From Out of Town" felt both gratifying and a little odd.

I don't have any illustrations for this posting, so as usual I'm filling the gap with a photo of Tuesday Weld.

Back in the '90s, I rarely found myself with a seminar booked in December. But I was pleased to be invited to visit Tampa, Florida, for a couple of days to work with the air staff of WXTB.

Their program director, Greg Mull, scheduled a full-day seminar for the entire staff on the first day. On the second day, I got up VERY early and silently sat in on their very successful morning show. This, in fact, was my very first Morning Show Tune-Up.

Greg had devised quite an unusual strategy for an AOR morning show: all request, every day, hosted by a personality-oriented morning team. My mission was simply to observe during the show.

(I was pleased to learn that, although the morning team initially was a bit apprehensive about my being there, eventually they completely forgot that I was sitting in the corner and just went about entertaining their listeners.)

I made a lot of notes, not regarding “things they were doing wrong” but rather observations on ways they might structure what they're doing in a more consistent and powerful manner. The rest of the day was spent sharing my thoughts first with Greg and then with the morning team.

Although I cannot pretend to have been thrilled to get up at the crack of dawn, once I was awake I found the entire process rather exhilarating. And, more importantly, it appeared that Greg and his morning show thought the exercise was worthwhile, too.

The trip offered some emotional resonance for me: I hadn't been on the West Coast of Florida since leaving the state (my early radio career was spent there) nearly 20 years before. Back then, Tampa was a real big market to me, and I would have loved to work there. Now here I was, returning in the role of the supposed big shot from Los Angeles.

But even this didn't feel as strange as my second seminar trip of December, as I drove from San Francisco Airport to KSJO in San Jose. Not only had this station been one of my competitors 17 years earlier; its PD, Dana Jang, had programmed it against my station. Now I was coming to coach his air staff. It felt rather disorienting, pulling into the KSJO driveway. But, as always, once inside the radio station — Well, when I'm inside a radio station, I feel at home.

MASSIMO LOPEZ PAYS TRIBUTE TO DAN O'DAY

Last Thursday's posting featured a video of my helping to record a promo for the morning show at Italy's R101. Everyone seemed very impressed by the ease with which I mastered their language.

One of the show's members is the notable stage and television actor, comedian, and impressionist Massimo Lopez.

Apparently the cameras continued to roll after I left the studio, and Massimo paid me the ultimate tribute: He did an impression of...me.

ANOTHER RADIO ACCOUNT EXEC DRIVEN TO TEARS

From The People Who Don't Quite Get The Joke Department:

Dear Dan, I am almost weeping, I am laughing so hard. I just created a "really bad commercial" using your proven and time-tested Bad Commercial Generator.

Bill Phenix/WXRV 92.5 The River

At a seminar a couple of years ago, a radio station production director told me he'd gotten a good laugh out of it, too. So much so that he went into his Sales Manager's office and said, "You've gotta see this."

He showed the GSM the Bad Commercial Generator and — the PD swears this is true — the GSM responded, "Wow! And it's free??"

PD GRAD SCHOOL 2009

I'm really late nailing down all the details, but here's what I can tell you so far about PD Grad School 2009.

• February 27 – 28, Los Angeles

• It looks like we'll have some major, ground-breaking sessions (including one or two of the world's leading experts on "Web 2.0" — and how you really can be using it to increase your ratings & revenue).

These are guys who other Internet gurus normally pay $5,000 to $10,000 to hear speak. We're working mightily to overcome the logistical challenges of bringing them to L.A. But it'll be worth it.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Finalist, Worst Los Angeles Radio Commercial of the Year

Here, first give it a listen.

Okay, where do I begin? Maybe I should start by listing this commercial's good points:

Um...Well, eventually it does end.

Now for the Less Than Good Points.

The first question we must grapple with is, "Is the biggest problem with this spot that the message is garbage, or is it that the garbage is delivered so incompetently?"

Pretty much a toss-up.

We might as well begin with the garbage:

What the heck is this commercial trying to communicate? What is its sales message? What problem is it solving for the targeted listener? How does it intersect with that listener's life?

Answers: I dunno. No idea. Beats me. It doesn't.

What is this commercial's Core Message — the one thing they want the targeted listener to hear, to understand, and to remember? I guess it's:

Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California.

That's a Core Message worth advertising?

...growing all across Southern California.

What is it, a fungus? Should some civic minded listener call the EPA?

What's the Call To Action? What is the action the targeted listener is supposed to take to act on this non-existent sales message?

There is none.

On the other hand, they did give the advertiser's name six times. That must have made the client feel all warm and fuzzy.

Here Is The Message Communicated By This Commercial:

"Look at us! We're so great!"

And the tag at the end?

Beat the price increase with only a 20% deposit

What the heck does that mean?

See store for complete details.

Good idea. I'll just hop into the car right now and drive to one of Pacific Sales' many locations throughout Southern California and ask an expert, trustworthy and non-commissioned employee to explain it to me.

But hey, why focus on the negatives? Sure, there's no actual message here. But when we look at the skill with which that non-message is delivered, we can't help but be impressed.

There's a reason Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California. Would you like to know why? I'll tell you...

Normally when you hear people speak like that, they're "vamping." This sounds like the voice talent lost the actual script and was trying to fake it.

It also reminds me of a disc jockey desperately trying to "talk up the vocal" on an incredibly long song intro. Here, let me help:

There's a reason Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California. Would you like to know why? Would you like to know why Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California? Really? You're sure you want me to tell you the reason that Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California? Okay, then I'll tell you why Pacific Sales is growing all across Southern California...

I've heard lots of bad commercials, but that opening is astonishing. They have elevated incompetence to an art form.

It takes them 14 seconds to give us a clue about what the heck they're selling: kitchen appliances and bath fixtures. Oops, at :16 we learn it's "home theatre," too.

They have huge 30,000 square foot showrooms. Glad to hear that. Don't you just hate those teensy-weensy 30,000 square foot showrooms?

Not only do they have displays of the products they sell; you actually can see them! That really sets them apart from their competitors, who no doubt keep their displays hidden behind steel curtains.

More brands than you can imagine.

Really? I can imagine 10,000 brands. How many you got?

The Pacific Sales staff is expert

HOLD THE PRESSES! You guys say you have an expert staff? Never heard THAT in commercial before. It really differentiates you from your competitors who boast about their "know-nothing employees."

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if your staff are friendly and knowledgeable, too.

You'll find everything you need

Great. Which aisle has the No-Doz?

Oldies Stations Trying Not To Appear THAT Old

Illustration © 2008 by Bobby Ocean

"COMPETITIVE PRICES," MATT BISBEE'S MUSIC IMAGING PIECE, PLACEBO ADVERTISING

Those are the major topics in the current issue of my Radio Advertising Letter.

I've created this post for any subscribers who would like to comment, disagree, or illuminate.

SMN’s HISTORY OF RADIO: 1938 – 1954

Part Two from Satellite Music Network's “The History of Radio.”