HOW TO WIN THE RADIO RATINGS GAME: Provide The Most Compelling Context

The following is excerpted from CONTEXTUAL PROGRAMMING: The Only Way To Win In A Competitive Market.

Unhappy vs. Not Unhappy

Whenever your Internet experience is problem-free — your computer doesn’t crash, your phone line or DSL or cable or wireless connection is working, and your software works properly — are you conscious of feeling really, really happy about the fact that you’re able to go online?

No?

How do you feel when your Internet connection doesn’t work? When your computer keeps freezing up? When — the ultimate modern crisis — you can’t access your e-mail??

Upset? Frustrated? Depressed?

In our normal state, we’re not happy; we’re just not unhappy.

For much of our daily lives, we find ourselves in one of two states: Unhappy....or Not Unhappy.

What pushes us from “Not Unhappy” to “Unhappy” most often is chaos.

The dictionary definition of “chaos” is:

“The confused unorganized state of primordial matter before the creation of distinct forms.”

Humans attempt to overcome chaos by imposing some semblance of order upon it. And Radio helps by providing listeners with a context to the events in their lives.

What Does It Actually Mean, Anyway?

“Context” comes from the Latin word, “contexere”: “To weave together.”

Do you ever sing along with the radio or with a music CD or mp3 player? If so, do ever you find yourself singing in falsetto to match the vocals of the song?

Yes? Why? You could sing it in your own register, in the correct key...Just an octave or two lower.

You sing in falsetto to maximize the synchronicity of context: to weave the sound of your voice with the sounds coming out of your radio or CD player or mp3 player.

Radio weaves together the strands of listeners’ daily lives into a context that helps fend off the chaos.

Listeners don’t ask Radio to put them in a state of Happiness. They turn to Radio in the hopes that it will help take them out or perhaps keep them out of a state of Unhappiness.

How’s this for a corny (yet, for a successful radio station, honest) slogan?

“Radio helps people feel they’re tuned in to life.”

Our jobs as radio people: To provide meaningful contexts for our listeners' lives.

"Even for a pop music station, Dan?"

Do you know what you call a radio station that provides music with no context?

An iPod.

Here is where you can read the entire CONTEXTUAL PROGRAMMING.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #24: Don't Shoot Me, I'm Only The Interpreter

September, 1994 (continued):

My last stop on this radio seminar tour was Oberhausen, where I conducted AIR PERSONALITY PLUS+ for NRW, thanks to PD Dr. Klaus Klenke and Music Director Jeff van Gelder.

Translation Booth

Unlike this trip’s other in-station seminars, this was done with simultaneous translation; some staffers listened to my English, others heard a German translation in their headphones. (My seminar at the conference in Leipzig also featured simultaneous translation.)

This is not as difficult for me as it might sound. The only real problem is that when I say something humorous, I have to wait seven seconds for the translators to catch up to see if the attendees laugh. (If they don't laugh, then obviously the interpreters screwed up the translation of the joke.)

Flying back home via Amsterdam, I spent some time in the KLM lounge while awaiting my flight to L.A. It was there that I noticed a woman who apparently was sanitizing some magazines before bringing them to her home country.

When I walked by, she was using a black marking pen to cover up the legs of a woman in an advertisement.

Then she kept flipping the pages, stopping frequently to apply more black ink to any images that might corrupt her countrymen/women back home. (Either she herself is impervious to corruption, or she's already corrupted.)

SOMETIMES LESS ACTUALLY CAN BE MORE

I'm not fond of cliches, and I don't believe that "less" always "is more." But in my files I found a couple of really nice promos Chris Ward created a while ago for Severn Sound. As good as they are, I think they would have been even better with a single line omitted from the finished product.

Here's one of them:

What line do I think is unnecessary? "Sing it, guys."

With Chris's permission — he's now the station producer at Real Radio Wales — here's my edited version:

What do you think? Was it stronger without "sing it guys"? Even more tellingly, was it weaker without that line? If removing any element of a spot doesn't weaken the spot, that element shouldn't be there.

Chris says, "Having listened back to the promos, I do agree with your analysis. The line 'sing it guys' wasn't necessary, it dilutes promo and, to be brutally honest it makes it slightly 'cheesy.' I remember at the time being a big fan of using the 'stop down effect' in promos, but it wasn't necessary in this instance and seems to have been used for the sake of being used rather than to enhance the promo.

"The promos were produced in a very short space of time and put straight to air. Whenever I produce something I like to script and produce it, leave it for a few days and then come back to it. In this instance, however, that wasn't possible. I think had I done this I would have not included the 'sing it, guys' line."

Here's another "A/B" example for you:

The edited version:

Despite my opinion that it's better without "sing it, guys," the promo is strong enough to be effective with or without it.

"I'M WAY TOO GOOD TO PREPARE FOR MY RADIO SHOW"

If you don't have time to prepare for your radio show, why bother to show up?

"Oh, I can just wing it. Only beginners waste their time with show prep."

To quote a high school classmate of mine (obviously inspired by The Marx Brothers) who loudly (and memorably) protested a particularly inane statement by our Civics teacher:

"Horsefeathers!"

Professionals prepare.

Amateurs pray for inspiration.

HOW TO END YOUR ON-AIR PHONE CALLS WITHOUT SOUNDING DESPERATE FOR PRAISE

So many people responded to last week's example of a Unique Listening Proposition that I've decided to share another quick one today.

This was among many generated by the air staff of Results Radio when we did an informal version of my Defining Your U.L.P. exercise at the end of a two-day visit in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.

Instead of ending his listener phone calls with, "What's your favorite radio station?" (a predictable cliche), one jock decided to try ending each call with, "What's your favorite condiment?"

Immediately my brain spins out sequels:

"What's your favorite crustacean?"

"What's your favorite geometric shape?"

"What's your favorite personal grooming product?"

Now I ask you: What other question could you end your phoners with that would be more fun, more original, and less pathetic than "What's your favorite radio station"?

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Lakeside Medical

One minute from now — or less — the only image you'll be able to recall from this radio commercial is this dog.

What the heck does that guy & his dog have to do with what's being advertised?

In case you missed it: The spot is, vaguely, about health care. The big message: The advertiser promises to deliver health care "with compassion and respect." Big whoop.

The Call To Action is to go the radio station website and enter the advertiser's "key word." But guess what? The advertiser has its own website.

Which do you think is easier for the listener to remember and to be able to enter accurately?

"kost1035.com, keyword 'lakeside'"

or

"LakesideCommunityHealthCare.com"?

Why doesn't the commercial send them directly to the advertiser's website? Probably so the radio station can "track" responses, and the advertiser can see how many visitors were sent by the station. Of course, the number of visitors will be smaller than if the commercial gave the advertiser's URL instead, but I guess that's not important.

Actually, in this case isn't important because very few people will go to either website as the result of hearing this spot. Why not? Because the listener isn't given any reason to. The entire Call Action is to go to the website and enter the key word. And then what? Uh....They haven't figured that out yet.

Surprise! Somebody Did Something Right.

The station's URL is www.kost1035.com. But plenty of listeners will hear that as "www.coast1035.com."

In a rare case of radio station Web intelligence, someone purchased the "misspelled" KOST URL. Doesn't help this lousy commercial, but it's nice to see that someone was smart enough to spend an extra few bucks a year to capture traffic that otherwise would be lost.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean

Corny Radio, Lying To Listeners, Aircheck Critique

I've created this post for any Radio Programming Letter subscribers who would like to comment on "Corny, old-fashioned radio," "Lying To Your Listeners," and/or the aircheck critique in the newest issue.

I ADMIT IT: I LIVE IT UP WHILE TRAVELING

Everyone seems to think that because I get to travel around the world, coaching radio stations and ad agencies, I get to "really live it up" — fine hotels, exotic locales, etc.

Well, it's time to admit it: I do. Life on the road is just one big vacation for me, as this video illustrates.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #23: The Color That Fell Off The Videotape

September, 1994 (continued):

In Hamburg I conducted my AIR PERSONALITY PLUS+ seminar for AlsterRadio. Ulrich Bunsmann and Werner Rawe were kind enough to meet me at the airport. As usual, all I saw of the city was during the rides to and from the hotel.

Hamburg looked quite beautiful; the word that came to mind was “sparkling” (although Germans are quick to add, “Yes, but it always rains there”).

And the Hotel Steigenberger — yes, the same company that owned the great restaurant at the Frankfurt airport (see my September 13 posting) — was exceptionally nice...except for the lack of customer service attitude of some of its employees.

One example: In setting up for our seminar, I cued up a videotape I used (this was 1994, remember)...but could only get it to appear in black & white.

I had seminar videos in all VHS formats — PAL, for Europe — so it wasn’t an incompatibility problem.The hotel’s A/V guy sniffed, “It’s not the equipment. It must be your tape.”

I explained that I had played this tape many times before with no trouble. He insisted the problem was with the tape.

“Oh, I see,” I replied. “I must’ve accidentally brought the cheap videotape — you know, the kind that only plays black & white. Or maybe the color fell off when I went through airport security.”

The A/V guy very reluctantly examined the equipment again and discovered that one of the settings was incorrect. Voila! — we had color. I waited for him to say something to me — perhaps a simple, “Sorry” — but he turned and wordlessly began to leave.

I know I should have resisted, but I couldn’t help it. I loudly exclaimed, “Hallelujah! It’s a miracle! God has restored color to my back & white videotape!”

I saw the guy’s shoulders stiffen, but he never said a word. My hosts, however, seemed to enjoy the moment.

YOUR "3-MINUTES TO LIVE" SONG

Years ago I had the pleasure of coaching the morning shows at Singapore's Safra Radio. I taught them my method for creating their own Unique Listening Proposition, wherein they invent fun things to do that never have been done on the radio before.

Here's one little feature (among the dozens of good ideas they generated) that any music station can steal:

3 Minutes Left To Live: You've just learned that you have only three minutes left to live. What song would you want to hear?

I'll expand upon that question and ask it of you:

You've just learned that you have only three minutes left to live.

What song would you want to hear?

And what is the one song you definitely would not want to hear?

HOW TO RECORD VOICEOVERS AT HOME OR ON THE ROAD

See, when you read this blog sometimes you learn about cool free stuff — like the upcoming teleseminar Harlan Hogan & Jeffrey P. Fisher will be conducting soon.

Ask your question about how to record voiceovers at home or on the road right now. No charge to ask, no charge to register for the teleseminar.

RADIO ADVERTISING LESSONS FROM WAIKIKI

Waikiki. Yeah, that's my car.

I'm walking down the street in Waikiki and I pass a guy who waves a brochure at me and says, "We've got a whale watch!"

I guarantee he would've gotten more people to stop — and more people to sign up — if his opening line had been, "You should be going on our whale watch tonight!"

Why? Okay, obviously the second approach would have focused on the targeted consumer, rather than on the whale watch excursion provider. But it also would have begun a conversation with (some of) the passersby.

Oh, really? Why?

What makes you think I would enjoy whale watching?

No, thanks. I get seasick.

What exactly is a whale watch?

Which Brings Us To Radio Advertising.

A good radio commercial is a conversation with the targeted consumer. Before you write the opening line of your new radio spot, ask yourself: "Is this a good way to begin a conversation with my prospect?"

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: British Airways' Advertising — Off-Course, Again

British Airways has a long, proud history of lousy advertising. Their losing streak continues with this radio commercial.

What do you picture when you think of "London"? Some guy giving a tedious tour?

And those idiotic, unrealistic tourists hanging on his every word? Guess whom they're supposed to represent?

The target audience.

This commercial tells us the tour guide's story (albeit in a patently, insultingly fake manner). It should be telling the story of the targeted listener, visiting London via British Airways. And more importantly, showing us the results those targeted listeners will experience.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean

YOUR RADIO STATION’S MOST IMPORTANT ASSET

(Excerpted from Randy Michaels' FUNDAMENTALS OF RADIO PROGRAMMING.

There is a hierarchy of importance in any radio station.

What is most important about your radio station?

The Product?

No.

Bottom Line?

No. The most important thing is your signal.

If they can’t hear you, it doesn’t matter.

You can put together the greatest radio station anyone has ever conceived, but if people can’t hear it then it isn’t worth it.

The first thing you do when you program a radio station is look at who you cover, where the signal is strong.

The signal, by the way, isn’t that circle they have on the map in the Sales Department. “Signal” is a very complex thing.

How much signal does it take for the average radio to work? There’s no good answer to that.

In the absence of any other strong signals, .5 millivolts may be killer on FM.

But if you have a very strong transmitter next door, you can have what’s called desense. Cheap radios have their internal amplifiers all turned down by a nearby strong signal. A car radio hears it while a clock radio doesn’t and a Walkman doesn’t.

You have signals that cause intermodulation, which spoils the reception of another signal. As you think about your programming, you should know a lot about your signal.

There are neighborhoods where it’s good and neighborhoods where it’s bad. Radios where it’s good, radios where it’s bad.

When I go to a market for the first time, I drive around with a dozen different radios. I go through office buildings, I listen in different neighborhoods on different kinds of radios and really try to understand the signal.

The signal is first & foremost; that’s your Distribution. Procter & Gamble knows you can’t buy Tide if you can’t find it on the shelf. It’s all about Distribution.

If you don’t have the best signal in the market, doing too well can be a problem. Because if you do really well on a secondary signal, somebody with a great signal can take your position just because they’re easier to find on the dial. There are dozens of examples of this.

Signal is the most important thing. If they can’t hear you, it’s a problem.

When I was building Jacor and later Clear Channel, I started with transmitter power. I didn’t care if the format was Religion or Polka or whatever. Just give me the biggest transmitter. WLW/Cincinnati was the first radio station I was a part of buying, and it was bankrupt. But I wanted the 50,000-watt transmitter.

It all starts with the signal

Here is where you can read the entire FUNDAMENTALS OF RADIO PROGRAMMING, and here's where you can hear it.

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #22: The Legend of Me and The East German Security Guards

September, 1994 (continued):

Two incidents stand out in memory of my return to the Leipzig (Germany) airport, as I prepared to fly to Hamburg. One was running into European radio legend Ad Roland
(pictured below, in his pirate radio days) as I waited to go through security.

If you've ever attended my How To Create Maximum Impact Radio Advertising seminar and heard me tell the "Matthew In Leipzig" story, here's the first-hand account of that event.

Ad greeted me with a loud, cheerful, “So, Dan, do you have a bomb in that suitcase?” In the U.S, of course, making a joke like that in an airport is against the law. It didn’t seem to please the Leipzig security guards, either.

There were two guards, both of them big and surly, looking like the stereotype of an East German border guard. They spoke very little English. One noticed my computer case and demanded, “What is that?”

“A computer,” I replied.

“Turn it on.”

So I fired up my Macintosh Powerbook. Seeing that it really was a computer, he scowled and turned away, gesturing to indicate that he was through with me.

I started to shut down the computer when an odd thought struck me. The Powerbook had a built-in condenser microphone, and I had recorded my two kids on it. I opened the appropriate file and called to the guard, “Excuse me??”

He looked up, surprised and suspicious. Unsmilingly, I waved him back toward me — a rather insolent move, I thought. He came over and I pointed to the computer screen and then clicked on the mouse. Out of the computer came the voice of my four-year old boy: “Hi, my name is Matthew!”

I don’t know what the guard had been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t Matthew saying hi. I smiled and said — in completely ungrammatical German — “Mein kinder.” The guard smiled broadly and called his partner over to see this.

I played it for them a couple of more times and then closed up the computer. They turned back to the people standing in line — but this time with smiles instead of scowls.

Meanwhile I kept thinking, “This should be a tv commercial for Powerbooks.”

DEALING WITH HYPERSENSITIVE DJs

A Radio Station Program Director Writes:

One of my announcers is the super-sensitive/actress type. She once cried when a listener called to complain. She is always building people up, telling them how great they are, which naturally leads some of those people to return that edification to her.

I, on the other hand, won't tell her she's great when she isn't. Often, right after a break, she will come to me and say, "Did you like what I said about X?"

Even when I tell her, "I would have preferred you did it this way," or anything else that's not 100% affirming, I run the risk of upsetting her. Not my problem I know, but if she does get upset, this often leads to less than stellar breaks for the rest of the shift.

On the occasions we do meet outside of her shift, she claims to understand how I want her to do certain things, yet she still does them her way. She claims she can disagree with my comments and still do her job. I'm not so sure.

She has difficulty accepting any kind of feedback unless it's 100% positive. I realize that the use of language is important, and I make every effort to incorporate positive language when giving her this feedback.

I've even tried using the actress analogy (just like acting, you follow the guidelines of the director and know your lines...I need you to be prepared/do it this way for radio). That doesn't resonate with her. She says, "It takes a hell of a lot more work to act."

My response is maybe so, but this is a professional setting as well, and I need you to do things this way for these reasons.

Any thoughts as to how can I get that "buy in" from her?

Dan Replies:

From your query, it sounds as though you do not conduct regular aircheck sessions with your super-sensitive/actress type. Assuming that is correct....

1. Schedule weekly or twice-monthly aircheck sessions with her, during which you address your general performance concerns.

2. Whenever she comes to you right after a break to ask what you thought of it, gently remind her that she is supposed to be in the studio, preparing for the next break. She is not supposed to be focusing on anything that is not directly related to the rest of her program. Refuse to give any feedback on such occasions, instead reminding her that she has a critique session coming up later in the week.

If you, as Program Director, upset your jock during her shift, you are not doing your job properly. As you point out, when she's upset her program suffers. So it's up to you to remove the opportunity for her to be upset by you during her show.

Finally, it doesn't matter if she agrees with your comments. What matters is whether she follows the instructions and guidelines set down by her program director.

DOES YOUR RADIO STATION TURN AWAY BUYERS?

Yesterday in Santa Monica, I walked past a store I'd passed perhaps a hundred times before but never entered: Gallery 319. They appear to specialize in artwork — paintings, lithos, photographs — related to music or sports.

I'd never entered, and once again I walked past it on my way to an appointment. But then I flashed on something: In a couple of weeks I'll be seeing a friend who used to love The Kinks.

Maybe this place had some cool Kinks-related piece? A long shot, but I did an about face and, curious, went inside.

As far as I could tell, there was only one other person in the gallery: a woman bent over a desk or table, intent on...something. To me, she had the look of a shop owner.

I know she knew I was there, because when I entered a startlingly loud bell rang. She didn't look up.

I stood a few feet inside the doorway and glanced around at the walls. Looked like some pretty pricey stuff. Didn't see anything Kinks-ish, but who knew what else they might have in the back, in storage, or otherwise available?

The Looks Like The Owner woman still had not acknowledged my presence. Not a glance, not a word. I had walked into her gallery with money in my pocket and a desire to make a purchase. But it was a desire, not a need. And I'd be damned if I'd apologetically interrupt her concentration to ask if she'd be interested in selling me something.

So I turned and walked out — half expecting her to call out, "Was there something you were interested in?" Nope. My exit made no more of an impact than my entrance: the loud bell rang again, nothing more.

Maybe she'd caught a glimpse of me, instantly spotted me as a former radio guy, and assumed there's no way I could afford any of their pieces. I just checked their website which declares, "We pride ourselves on warm hospitality." Maybe that's reserved for the artists whose works they display.

Does This Have Anything To Do With Radio?

When someone initiates contact with anyone who works for your radio station, they are saying, "I want to buy."

If yours is one of the increasingly rare stations that employ a live receptionist, when someone calls and asks to a particular account executive whom she knows is out of the building, is the caller put directly through to the A.E's voice mail?

Or does the receptionist understand that the caller wants to buy and, instead, say, "Ms. Account Exec isn't here at the moment, but I do expect her to be back this afternoon. Is there something I might be able to help you with, or would you like me to put you through to her voice mail?"

When a listener calls the studio line to complain that you don't play enough Maroon 5 — let's pretend your jocks actually answer the studio line and not just the "warm line" they've set aside for their friends — do your jocks say, "Sorry, we do the best we can"?

Or do they engage the caller in a brief conversation about Maroon 5 or ask what they think of another new artist whose music is a bit similar?

Has your program director explained to the entire air staff that those blinking lights are customers?

When your promotions assistant is "working the remote" and notices a civilian shyly standing at the sidelines, watching wordlessly and nervously, does the promo person call out a cheery, "Hi! Glad you could make it here"?

If you answered "yes" to that last question: C'mon, really? I doubt it.

Which is too bad, because that "pathetic loser standing over there gawking" heeded your call to come to your remote. He came to buy.

RADIO INDUSTRY FALLS FOR ANOTHER SCAM

I've had several inquiries during the past week, of which this one is typical:

"I'd been telling the reps over and over (because it still comes up) about not using a phone number and a website. One of our managers sent me this. What do you think?"

What do I think? It's an excellent attempt at conning a gullible industry and an irresponsibly bad job of reporting.

Who Funded This Study?

Although — astonishingly — that online trade journal report didn't think this was worth mentioning, the study was funded by 800response, which bills itself as "the leading provider of vanity 800 numbers." Hmm. And the study they funded concluded that advertisers should use vanity 800 numbers in their advertising? What a shock.

This Isn't Research. It's Marketing.

800response is engaging in marketing, not in research. What's the difference?

Research is an exploration. Marketing is the establishing or shaping of a brand's perception by consumers (individuals, businesses, industries, voters, etc.). A research study seeks to discover. A marketing study looks for proof, for validation of a preconceived notion.

800response didn't fund this study to determine whether 800 vanity numbers are valuable to advertisers. The study was conducted to find evidence to support the contention that is valuable to advertisers.

I'm not suggesting that either Infosurv or 800response is dishonest. They're simply depending upon gullible media to report the "study" without critically examining it. (800response does, however, approach an ethical boundary by using a couple of obvious fallacies to fool advertising outlets. More on that in a moment.)

If I Wanted To Design A Study To Prove That Vanity Numbers Are More Memorable Than Web Addresses, Here's What I'd Do.

I'd create a commercial for a fictitious company — let's call it "Bayside Auto Sales." In that commercial, I would include *both a vanity 800 number and the company's Web address.

For the vanity number, I'd pick something that's very simple and that sells the results the advertiser offers. Something like "1-800-NEW-AUTO."

For the company's URL, I'd select something that doesn't even mention the results and is both long and uninteresting. Something like "www.baysideautosales.com."

Do you have any doubt about which would be remembered by more listeners?

"Oh, but Dan, you're deliberately picking a ridiculous example. Of course more people would recall 1-800-NEW-AUTO than www.baysideautosales.com."

Of course. But I'm not being ridiculous. That happens to be one pairing of vanity number & URL they tested against each other in that study.

See what I mean?

I wonder how 1-800-NEW-AUTO would test against NewAuto.com?

(*If I really wanted to test, rather than "prove," I would conduct a multivariate test: one commercial with just the URL; one with just the phone number; one with both. 800response's press releases don't indicate whether the test was done with a commercial featuring a URL and a phone number or with two commercials, each featuring only the phone number or the URL. I suspect they tested a single spot that included both. Regardless, it's a biased test.)

Now Let's Add A False Assumption To The Biased "Study."

The study purports to measure "recall." But the goal of a radio commercial should not be to motivate consumers to recall something. It should motivate consumers to act. Anyone who equates "recall" with "action" either is seriously confused or is attempting to confuse someone else.

Bring In The Red Herring.

Then, bizarrely, they throw in gibberish about how many consumers move on to competitors' websites. What does that have to do with the purported purpose of this "study" — comparing recall effectiveness? Nothing. But it helps confuse the target of this propaganda campaign, so why not include it?

Question: If "using the Internet to research the competition" truly is a dangerous result of sending prospects to your website, then why do they say you should put both a vanity phone number and a Web address in a commercial? It would make more sense to say, "FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T INCLUDE YOUR WEB ADDRESS!"

Answer: Their goal isn't to help advertisers get better results. It's to sell more vanity phone numbers.

Let's Add Another Fallacy To The Mix.

"Face logic."

It seems logical that including both a phone number and a URL would maximize listener response, doesn't it? Sure it does. Only problem: It doesn't maximize response; it lessens it.

On the face of it, it seems logical. But it's not true. That's called "Face Logic."

In reality, every successful direct marketer knows not to include more than one method of responding to the offer because it will decrease the total response rate. This has been proven consistently in test after test (real world marketing "split tests," not PR-driven pretend tests) for more than 40 years.

Why? Because each time you force prospects to make a choice before they can respond to your offer, you lose some of those prospects. That's because Choice Paralyzes Response.

"I've got to fly from Los Angeles to Albuquerque, and there are two flights per day. Hmm, which should I pick? I'll think about that later."

vs.

"I've got to fly from Los Angeles to Albuquerque, and there's only one flight per day. I'd better book my seat now."

The smart (i.e., successful) radio advertiser gives a single Call To Action. How does the advertiser know which it should be?

What is the action that most people take in order to purchase from you or to become an active prospect (e.g., request information)? That should be your Call To Action.

A friend of mine loves advertising on the radio, because it produces a huge ROI for his company. He has an expensive website. But all of his commercials give only one Call To Action: to call a telephone number. Why? Because he's trained a killer telesales force that knows how to convert telephone inquiries into sales. Meanwhile, his website is terrible at converting prospects.

(He doesn't realize that. He tells other business owners, "Don't bother including your Web address in your commercial. It never works." Well, not for him.)

Here's How It Works, Folks.

Vendor of vanity 800 numbers publishes misleading study and draws unsupportable conclusions.

Media — including, alas, media that are supposed to inform our industry — dutifully report the "study."

Radio people read it, assume it must be true, and tell clients to include phone numbers and Web addresses in all their commercials.

Those clients get weaker results than if a proper Call To Action had been given.

Those clients become converted to the "Radio Doesn't Work" gang.

When those clients doesn't renew, the account executive becomes even more desperate to find new clients to replace them.

The added desperation — both of the A.E. and the radio station – leads to an even greater "We'll do anything you say if you pay us" attitude.

The station finds it even more difficult to sell advertising.

Programming gets compromised in order to "do whatever the client wants so we can get their money."

Weaker programming leads to weaker sales.

The staff is "downsized."

And, as always, someone gets up at a convention at declares, "Radio is in better shape than ever!"

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Finalist, Biggest Lie Ever Told In A Radio Commercial

Radio commercial for a theatrical production of "Wicked":

Really? Then I guess it wouldn't be much trouble from them to provide us with a list of just a few audience members who have described this experience as "thrillifying."

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean

HARLAN HOGAN VOICEOVER SEMINAR: How Was It?

NOTE: Today's REAL posting is immediately below this post-teleseminar update.

If you attended today's "Should I Start My Own Voiceover Business?" teleseminar with Harlan Hogan:

How was it?

What's the valuable thought/concept/tip you got from it?

THE JINGLE FOR CRAPPY RADIO SALES PROMOTION PRIZES

Someone asked me on Facebook to post the jingle we created to use when you're forced to give away crummy sales promotion prizes. It's from our DORK-A-PELLAS CD.

SOME VOICEOVER QUESTIONS WE MIGHT NOT ASK HARLAN

Gaylord Villers is a strategic planner and a friend of Harlan Hogan. When he heard about Harlan's "Should I Start My Own Voiceover Business in 2009?" teleseminar, he offered these starter questions.

• Everyone says I have a really good voice; don’t you think this is a slam-dunk for me?

• Would you mind if I like “rode with you” for a few days to master this business? I might even have some ideas for you. I’d need a place to stay, though.

• My wife is really hot. Should I bring her to auditions? She’d do anything to get me work.

• How do you handle V/O groupies? Is this a big distraction for you?

• I’m semi-retired, and all I’d need is one $500 gig per day. This should be pretty easy to get, right?

• People say I can sound just like William Shatner. Should I promote this talent now or wait until he dies?

• By the way, I can sound just like you, too. Why not let me work in your place on your days off — I’ll cut you in.

• With all the aging baby boomers, I predict there will be a Nursing Home Network (aka Assisted Living Radio) — at the end of your radio dial. Can I help you move into this? Then I can take your jobs that need a younger voice. Let’s get together.
  

O'DAY'S TRAVEL WOES #21: Being Stalked By Wayne Newton

September, 1994 (continued): After surviving the attack of killer bees in my hotel room in Frankfurt, Germany, I flew to Munich, where I conducted my AIR PERSONALITY PLUS+ seminar for Jim Sampson and the staff of Bavarian Radio.

This was a very short visit — less than 24 hours — so, once again, I didn’t do any sightseeing. Jim did, however, treat me to a very nice Italian lunch and later procured an American-style submarine sandwich for me to eat on the plane that evening.

(That’s a great way to drive your fellow passengers crazy: “You mean you didn’t get one? They were handing them out as we boarded; go ask the flight attendant if she has any left.”)

When Jim picked me up at the airport and we went to his car, he asked, “Do you want to drive?” Seeing my puzzlement, he explained, “Most American visitors want to drive on the autobahn” — where there are no speed limits.

Although the opportunity to drive an unfamiliar road at high speeds while exhausted and surrounded by speed demon American tourist drivers certainly was tempting, I left the driving to Jim.

Before retiring that evening, I turned on the TV in my hotel room and was introduced to a German tv show called Nachtshow — “Night Show.” I featured a guy with a goofy grin, seated at a desk in front of a backdrop depicting a big city, bantering with his bandleader, and reading a nightly “Top 10 List.”

Sound a bit familiar? They took The Late Show With David Letterman and translated it into German. (I didn’t watch long enough to see if they had a German Larry “Bud” Melman.)

At the end of our seminar, I returned to the airport to fly to Leipzig, Germany, for the Leipzig Radio Show. Now, I’m always hearing people talk about running into some colleague or friend at an airport, but this never has happened to me... until I checked in with Lufthansa for my flight to Leipzig. As I approached the counter, I heard a voice exclaim, “Dan O’Day!”

Turning, I saw Gert Zimmer of BCI, the big German radio consulting firm. Of course, this really wasn’t such a great coincidence; he was booked on the same flight as I, to attend the same conference.

I believe in all of my previous travels, I had been paged in an airport only once... again, until this trip. While waiting for my bags to appear inside the small airport in Leipzig, a voice on the intercom intoned, “Den O’Deh...Den O’Deh”.... with a lot of German words I didn’t understand. It turned out to be the driver of the sedan that had been sent to pick me up. But I’m confident that the others in the airport were suitably impressed at how important I must be to have been paged.

Leipzig is in eastern Germany and had been staunchly communist until just a few years earlier. I had no idea what to expect. The city was constantly under construction, which made an automobile trip of even a short distance potentially very time consuming.

I had hoped to find time to walk around the city (among other things, Leipzig is where Johann Sebastian Bach worked as a church choirmaster), but the conference took up all of my time. Based upon my media-induced perceptions of “East Germany,” I was fully prepared to be housed in a dreary, primitive hotel with virtually none of the amenities that Westerners take for granted.

Instead, I discovered that the Hotel Intercontinental was a wonderful, first-class hotel — certainly the finest I stayed at during my entire trip and one of the best I’ve ever experienced.

One neat touch that I still haven't seen anywhere else: The guest room hallways were dark...until someone entered. A sensor instantly reacted to any motion, and immediately the hallway was completely lit.

Wherever I travel, I practice saying “thank you” in that country’s language. As you know, “thank you” in German is “danke shoen.”

As an odd result, throughout my entire Leipzig visit I — completely against my will — kept finding myself humming that stupid Wayne Newton song, “Danke Shoen.” (Every now and then I’d catch myself humming it aloud. If anyone overheard this, they were kind enough to pretend not to have noticed.)

It was at the Leipzig Radio Show that I ate my first real, traditional East German meal: goulash, sausage and cabbage. (It was pretty good. Even if you don’t believe me.)

On the second night, there was a big reception for speakers and attendees. (I was there to participate in panel sessions on Morning Shows and Station Promotions and also to present a seminar on Creating Radio Commercials That Sell.) It was held at the Auerbachs Keller, a restaurant old enough to have been immortalized in print by Dante. (The food was okay. The ice cream was great.)

Auerbachs Keller

Auerbachs Keller is among an arcade of restaurants and bars. I popped into one to get a soft drink, and it was there I learned how to tip a German barman. You don’t leave the tip on the counter. When you pay your bill, you tell him how much to give back to you.Same with a taxi driver. Rather than the driver handing you your change and your then slipping him or her the tip, you tell the driver how much to keep.

With one driver, I made the mistake of telling him how much to give back to me (his English was as limited as my German). Out of five marks change, I wanted him to keep one and give me four. So I said, “Give me four back, please.” Thinking he was following my instructions, he kept four and gave me one. (No, I really don’t think he deliberately “misunderstood;” I just didn’t have the mechanics of German tipping quite right.)

Two lasting visual impressions of Leipzig, as viewed in 1994 during my various taxi rides between the hotel and the conference site:

1) The many identical block-like apartment buildings, each consisting of scores of identical apartments, each building the same as the rest. (The communist influence.)

2) Quite a few dilapidated residential buildings — damaged roofs, cracked walls — that would be condemned in the West but obviously were occupied, despite the structural weaknesses.

Next week: The infamous incident at Leipzig Airport — where a certain radio consultant's alleged sense of humor almost got me arrested.

RADIO PERSONALITY INTIMIDATED BY LARGER MARKET

Reach Through The Microphone And Grab A Body Part

A Reader Asks:

I've been working in radio for two years, and both of those years were in a small market. I've since accepted and have started working as a midday personality in a large market. Considering my lack of experience, both as a major market talent and as an on-air personality altogether, I feel like I'm a little out of my league.

I understand that they wouldn't have hired me if I wasn't what they were looking for, however I could use some advice on exactly what is expected of a personality in a major market.

I know I can do this, I am confident that I can do this, but I could use your help. Do you have any guidelines, suggestions, or advice?

Dan Replies:

Forget about the market size. Your job in a large market is the same as your job in a small one: to make a personal connection with your listeners, daily. To reach through the microphone, grab them by the throat (or other body part), and gently (or not so gently) shake them.

In middays, to help make their work time (whether in a place of business or at home) go by more quickly. To offer entertainment and a degree of human companionship.

It should not take more than a few months at your new job for you to realize (perhaps with some disappointment) that your large market co-workers offer the same mixture of talented/non-talented, professional/unprofessional, motivated/lazy, creative/imitative that you experienced in your small market station.

What matters is your relationship with your listeners. And small market listeners are no different than large market listeners.

WHO KILLED RADIO'S GOLDEN GOOSE?

You know the story about The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg? It's about, uh...a goose. And I guess it laid golden eggs, and people did stuff that caused the golden eggs not to be laid any more. The end.

Fine, go look it up if you want more details. But the moral has something to do with greed and ignorance and shortsightedness.

Gosh, why does that remind me of the way large companies are running U.S. radio stations?

Today a well-known, veteran radio salesperson who wishes not to be identified drew my attention to a Stupid Radio Trick I really hadn't considered (because my focus usually is on the radio advertising message, not the radio sales system).

The Way Commercial Radio Used To Be. (You know, back when you had to try really hard to lose money operating a radio station? Back when we had news departments, live humans answering the phones, and actual, honest-to-goodness programming variety — vs. a vapid slogan that falsely claims variety?)

"Mr. Merchant, your commercial will air 40 times per week on our station, so people will hear it repeatedly. We call that 'frequency,' and it's one of radio's great strengths.

"Also, the commercial we air will be designed specifically for our listeners. That's to make sure the message matches the audience. No sense in playing a rock 'n' roll commercial for listeners who prefer classical music, is there? Ha ha, of course not!"

The Way Corporate Commercial Radio Is Today. (But completely unrelated to the fact that stations are struggling to keep their heads above water.)

"Ms. Merchant, we're going to spread your 40 weekly commercials across all six of our local stations. That way LOTS of people will hear your commercial...once. Or maybe even twice, if you're lucky. We call that 'selling a package to clients who don't know better.'

"Plus, to minimize cost and maximize efficiency, your one commercial will run 'as is' on all six stations. Heck, if a commercial message works well with our Soft AC listeners, I can't think of any reason it wouldn't also communicate effectively to our Hip Hop audience."

So let's review our game plan: A (usually) lame commercial, heard not often enough by the wrong audience.

How could that not be working?

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Confusing The Audience Is Not A Good Strategy

An incredibly bad radio commercial:

For the first 30 seconds of this spot, it seems to be about fashion. Finally we realize they're not talking about style; they're talking about...uh, snow? Skiing? Boarding? Incredible deals?

One of a kind packages on lodging and lift tickets

Oh, really? What exactly are "one of a kind packages"? They've created a different package for each customer?

Colorado's legendary snow is back.

Ah, yes, the legend of Colorado snow. No one knows for sure if it's true, but what a wonderful story it is, handed down from generation to generation.

By popular demand

By popular demand, winter has returned? Perhaps that could be the basis of a cute commercial conceit. But as a single line that comes from nowhere and leads nowhere?

Endless sunshine

Well, dadgum! I'd a-thunk the sunshine disappears plum near every evening in Colorado in the winter. The things you learn from radio advertising.

"Amazing" ski resorts

Unless you're referring to Kreskin, Randi, or The Amazing Race, only an amateur uses "amazing" to describe the advertised product or service. "Amazing" can be applied — with equal lack of effect — to virtually any product or service. (And while we're at it: I'm sure Colorado's ski resorts are quite nice. I have a hunch, however, that no experienced skiier or boarder is "amazed" by them.)

Confusing the audience is not a good thing:

First it was black. Then brown became the new black. Until grey became the new brown.

Were Colorado's ski resorts previously black, brown and grey? What the heck are they talking about? Even if that makes sense to fashionistas (I wouldn't know), it doesn't make sense to skiiers and boarders.

Skiing is a kinesthetic experience: movement, speed, twists & turns, skis on snow, air rushing past. Why are they spending all that effort trying to get us to visualize "white" rather than to feel the sensation of skiing?

The male voice repeatedly focuses the listener's attention not on skiing, not on skiiing in Colorado...but on the meaningless phrase, "winter white." And we can hear him trying to sound cool. (Hint: If people can hear you trying to sound cool, you don't.)

That ludicrous attempt at sounding cool combines with the amateurish echoing of "winter white" by the female voice. (I'm not certain, but that female sounds an awful lot like the woman delivering the body of the copy.) What is this: A commercial running on a major Los Angeles radio station or a college student's first effort in Production 101?

The overall impact is smug. They sure sound impressed with themselves, don't they?

Even their slogan (at the end) is unfocused:

See, do, eat, stay, go.

Is that specific to Colorado skiing?

Knott's Berry Farm: "See, do, eat, stay, go."

South of the Border: "See, do, eat, stay, go."

South Dakota: "See, do, eat, stay, go."

What is their Call To Action?

Be a part of the phenomenon.

Oh, okay, right. I'll do that.

Advertising solves problems.

What problem does this commercial solve?

DUMB TOYOTA SPOT and/or BRILLIANT IRA GLASS PITCH

I've created this post for any Radio Advertising Letter subscribers who would like to comment on the terrible Toyota spot and/or Ira Glass's brilliant "pledge break" approach in the newest issue.

BOBBY OCEAN'S SUNDAY RADIO CARTOON

Illustration © 2009 by Bobby Ocean