VOICEOVER ARTIST'S WEBSITE CRITIQUE

Ann DeWig is a terrific voice actor as well as a friend.

A while ago she was shopping for a new designer for her website, and she asked me to take a look at what he was suggesting for her.

I hated it.

Yesterday Ann proudly sent me the link to her new website, explaining that she had fired the previous designer in favor of one who was more interested in doing what Ann wanted her site to do than in creating something "artistic."

Foolishly, Ann asked for my opinion of the new site.

I went to the site and started making notes. Finally I thought, "Why am I spending all this time writing this when I have so much work of my own to do? In fact, my site always needs improving, and for some reason I 'never can find the time' to fix some areas that obviously need fixing.

"Heck," I thought, "if I'm going to do all this writing, at least I should turn it into a blog post."

So I emailed Ann and said, "I'll send you my comments if you let me publish them on my blog. But remember, you can expect me to be a bit critical."

Ann replied, "I don't know if you recall, but when you saw what the other programmer wanted to do your first words were, 'Wow, makes me want to vomit.' I don't see how you could be much more critical than that, so go ahead."

Ann DeWig's Website should open in a new window.

Here are my notes. The good news is the new site doesn't make me want to vomit. (I wasn't being metaphorical; the earlier version was visually nauseating.)

• Glad the audio streams so fast, very impressive.

• Same for the video.

• White text on a light grey background? You're doing that just as a practical joke on me, right? You'll not going to leave it that way, right? And TINY white text? Hint: Any time your visitor has to lean in to read something on your site, you screwed up.

• If I want to send you a letter (perhaps containing a check?) and I copy & paste your contact info, here's what it looks like:

atlas talent agency
15 e 32nd st
6th fl
new york, ny 10016

Any particular reason you're forcing me to clean up the text — capitalizing words, putting the period after "e," etc.? I can't think of a good one....

(In the previous designer's version, the contact information was presented as a graphic. Really dumb, because the people who want to make note of your contact info usually copy & paste it. You can't copy & paste text on a graphic. So even this version is an improvement.)

• The horizontal list of videos scrolls WAY too fast. You're making people back up to try to get to that thing that just flashed before their eyes. Again, you're making people do extra work for no good reason.

• All the type that presents information — text links, your contact info, etc. — is too small. You want the words to come to the eyes, not to make people look more closely to read them. (Especially when you've already made it harder by using reversed text.)

Want to know the name of Ann's agent? Good luck, here's a magnifying glass.

And even then we're not going to tell you; you need to decode it from his email address. Not terribly difficult to decode, but why not just come right out and TELL PEOPLE HIS NAME?

• Movement Attracts the Eye. Which means:

A) "Playlist loaded - Click Play" should not continuously move horizontally. Either make it static...Have it scroll just once and then be static...or dump the text altogether and instead make the "play" button flash.

B) Your panel of credits shouldn't change, because it distracts the eye from whatever it's trying to do at that moment...and "read my credits" is not your #1 goal. Perhaps give it a scroll bar, perhaps convert it to a "Special Clients" link.

• I click on "bloopers," filled with anticipation...and what do I get? "Coming soon!"

Okay, another practical joke on me, right? You're not REALLY asking people to click on a link that you know leads nowhere, are you?

You're not REALLY making a promise to your Web visitor ("Click on this link to see or hear some bloopers!") that you know you're not going to keep?

You're not REALLY, knowingly lying to your visitors, are you?

When the bloopers are ready, then put up that link.

• What's the Call To Action? What do you want the first-time visitor to do?

I see you have a password protected section, so I assume clients can do stuff there. But the rest of your home page — why is it there? To entertain people? To encourage potential clients to contact you? If so, to contact you to do...what? To ask about your rates, your market availability? To schedule a consultation?

• After all I've said, believe it or not I think this is going to be a terrific website. You just need to look at all those elements and ask, "Am I making it extra easy or extra difficult for people to do what I want them to do?"

FOCUSING ON THE FEAR

If you saw Monday's Commercial Smackdown, you might recall my saying the #1 objection "laser eye surgery" places need to overcome in their radio advertising is Fear.

Here's a commercial that's running for one of their competitors right now. Notice what they focus on most:

Is that a great commercial? No, but it's effective... especially as part of a drip-drip-drip Chinese water torture campaign that eventually wears down the fear-driven resistance.

They touch upon the "expensive" objection at the end, which doesn't help but does no real damage.

As their competitor did, they give a vanity phone number and a numeric number. Dumb.

And they give both a phone number and a Web address — nearly always a bad idea. You've heard me say it before: In a radio commercial, choice paralyzes response.

RADIO JOB DESCRIPTIONS

Disclaimer: I'm biased. I believe a radio station should be Customer Service oriented. (Yeah, I know how naive that sounds.)

First, let's define our terms:

Customer Service = Creating an experience that is so enjoyable the customer wants to do business with you again.

“If you’re not serving a customer, you’d better be serving someone who is.”

Bookkeeper’s Job Description:

1. To make it as easy as possible for the station’s clients to invest their money by advertising on that station.

2. To make it as easy as possible for his/her internal customers to access the financial resources necessary to the productive operations of their departments.

Engineer's Job Description: To maintain the equipment in a manner that maximizes the smooth delivery of the product to the listeners...and on behalf of the advertisers.

Because the engineer never receives instructions directly from either of the two sets of external customers, he necessarily must concentrate on superserving his internal customers — i.e., Programming and Sales.

IT Department's Job Description: To maximize the ease with which information flows among employees and between employees and customers (including listeners). Sadly, many radio group IT employees believe they're in the Information Prevention business.

Manager’s Job Description: To support and facilitate the efforts of employees to serve customers’ needs. The manager should be spending every moment of his or her time doing whatever it takes to make it easier for the station’s employees to serve the station’s customers.

Production Director’s Job Description: To create and maintain the highest possible quality on-air product that simultaneously sells and captivates our audience’s attention, interest and imagination.

Program Director’s Job Description:

1. To get as many friends as possible to come to our party.

2. To make it as easy as possible for the on-air staff to make sure our party guests have a wonderful time.

3. To maximize the benefits to the sponsors of our party without lessening the enjoyment of our party guests.

Receptionist’s Job Description: To help our friends and customers when they call us.

Salesperson’s Job Description: To make money for the radio station by producing results for the advertiser.

Promotion Director’s Job Description: To win as many new friends as possible for the radio station and to maintain and enhance our relationships with our existing friends.

Copywriter’s Job Description: To motivate listeners to act. (NOT to move copy orders from the In basket to the Out basket)

Okay, Let's Test This Idea

I have no idea if this will work. Let's test it once to find out.

You see, I have a "secret list" — my Preferred Customer List.

Preferred Customers are people who have bought at least one item from me in the past (or paid to attend one of my seminars) and who have graciously given me permission to email special offers to them, occasionally.

The offers really are "special." Not usually available to the general public.

On the other hand, this blog still is new, and if you're reading it you're an Early Adopter. "Hey," I thought, "maybe I should reward my blog readers by clueing them in to the secret special offers."

Okay, I say "reward," you say "bribe." Let's not quibble.

My Preferred Customers are receiving this special offer today. If you're involved in radio production, you might want to check it out. It's good for only 72 hours.

If at least one blog reader purchases from this link, I'll seriously consider continuing to bri — reward all my blog readers by advising them of other cool deals in the future.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Lasik Not Seeing Clearly re: Radio Advertising

They paid for a custom jingle that is meant to reinforce a single important message, both at the beginning and at the end of the spot. The important message? "Call today, Lasik today."

Yes, that's important — but only to Lasik, not to the targeted listener. They should be reinforcing the results that Lasik promises you.

Toward the end of the spot the announcer says, "For great vision tomorrow, call Lasik today." That would be an excellent message to reinforce in a jingle.


The opening line is fine. Delivery is pure radio announcer-y, which is a shame. (As always, we can't assume the VO talent is to blame. That might be exactly the kind of delivery the director wanted.)

But then he immediately tells people to call Lasik BEFORE he gives people a reason to call. (The reason is the "free consultation," but he gives the reason AFTER telling you to call.) And he gives the phone number long before anyone could possibly want it.


"Our experienced surgeons" — That really sets them apart from their competitors who advertise, "Because our surgeons have never done this before, your eyes will help some beginner learn how to do it right."


"$28 per month, per eye, subject to qualification"

Boy, does that make them sound like shlockmeisters.

The #1 objection Lasik needs to overcome is Fear. The only way to overcome the Fear objection is with Trust. Would you trust your eyes to someone who says, "$28 per month, per eye, subject to qualification"?

And I can't wait to hear the qualifications: "Limit 3 eyes per customer. Eyes must be in-skull at time of procedure."


One of the funniest movies you never saw is Larry Gelbart's MOVIE, MOVIE. Joey Popchik wants to become a lawyer, but his sister is going blind. The only way to save her vision is with an operation that will cost $25,000 — "That's $12,500 per eye!" I laughed out loud at that line, it was so outrageous. But "prices start at $688 per eye" is not, apparently, too ridiculous for a Lasik commercial.


After giving their numeric phone number twice, they reveal they have a "vanity" number: 877-WOW-2020.

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: If you use a vanity number in your commercial, use only that vanity number. Giving it both numerically (all numerals) and alpha-numerically (combination of letters and numerals) is what we in the advertising biz call "788-743." That's 788-743: S-T-U-P-I-D.


What Is This Commercial's Core Message?

(The Core Message is the one thing you want the targeted listener to hear, to understand, and to remember.)

Free consultation?
Experienced surgeons?
$1,000 off?
See if you're a good candidate for the procedure?

THE CLUE TRAIN RETURNS: A successful radio commercial has only one Core Message.


What Is This Commercial's Call To Action?

What one specific action do they want the targeted listener to take? Is it to...

"Call for a free consultation"?
"Call to get $1,000 off"?
Visit "an office near you"?


What Is This Spot Actually Trying To Sell?

The free consultation. That's the first step in Lasik's selling process.

Therefore, the entire commercial should have one specific goal: to get you to call for the free consultation.

ALL THE ROOM SERVICE YOU CAN EAT

"It is unlawful to send unsolicited advertisements to any fax machine, including those at both businesses and residences, without the recipient’s prior express invitation or permission."

I don't know exactly when (or by whom) that telephone call was placed to 1-888-615-3203, but if you're looking for a travel bargain and you call them, probably you shouldn't expect that they'd just at that moment had two more cancellations.

CAREER ADVICE: WHEN YOU SCREW UP

One of the first emails I read this morning upset me.

Someone had inadvertently ripped off my intellectual property. It was obvious that he didn't realize he was doing something wrong, because he told me about in the email.

Because I knew he had good intentions and, in fact, is a fan of my work, I chose the wording of my response very carefully. I wanted to make sure this never happened again, but I didn't want to offend him.

Before sending my email response, I scrutinized it one more time. I didn't see how I could make the tone any more kind while still retaining the core message: "Don't do that again."

Satisfied that I had been as diplomatic as I possibly could be, I sent the email.

Here's a neat trick when you're telling a story:

Allow the audience to think they already know how it's going to end. Y'know, kinda like the way you think you know where this story is going....

Even though you're mistaken. It's going in a different direction.

A couple of minutes after I hit the "Send" button, I wondered if I had misinterpreted his message. A little checking revealed that he hadn't done anything wrong at all — not even inadvertently.

What he had done was completely legit and could only help me.

Question: If you were I, what would you have done as soon you had realized your error?

I hope you didn't say, "Send him another, apologetic email as soon as possible."

That wouldn't have been enough.

I grabbed the phone and called him.

When you screw up:

1. Fix it fast.

2. Make sure the "victim" knows you appreciate the seriousness of your mistake. Most of us don't like to be falsely accused of bad behavior. It stings, a lot.

Sending a simple, "Hey, sorry, my mistake" email would've been the obvious thing to do. But I don't think it would have relieved the sting.

THE CHET HOLMES SALES TELESEMINAR: HOW WAS IT?

We just completed our exclusive teleseminar with sales superstar Chet Holmes:

"How To Double Your Sales By Doing Less, More Intensively."

If you were among the 300 attendees:

How was it? Anything in particular that stood out as especially valuable?

THIS STORY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RADIO.

In a posting last week entitled Radio: Job or Career?, I talked about people in our industry who never further their professional educations because "the company won't pay for it."

For some reason, I was reminded of a story....

Once there were four auto mechanics: Manny, Moe, Jacques and Aaron. They all went to the Columbia School of Automotive Engineering together, and they all began their careers on the same day at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair.

Manny, Moe, Jacques and Aaron shared a common dream: Each wished someday to work on a race car at the Indianapolis 500.

After their first week at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair, Manny, Moe, Jacques and Aaron thought, “Wouldn’t it be great to have a subscription to Autos & Axles, the auto industry’s leading trade publication?”

But, alas, Honest Ed’s Auto Repair refused to pay for such a subscription.

“Why don’t we get a subscription ourselves?” suggested Aaron.

“Are you crazy?” responded Manny, Moe and Jacques. “A&A is expensive! Why, we each would have to give up one beer per week to pay for it! We’ll just wait until we’re making lots of money in Indianapolis, and then we’ll get a subscription.”

“Well,” said Aaron, “then I’ll get a subscription all by myself.” And so he did.

After their first month at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair, Manny, Moe, Jacques and Aaron thought, “It sure would be terrific to have a copy of THE ART OF AUTOMOTIVE REPAIR, by the legendary mechanic, ‘Mercedes Mike’ St. Michaels!”

But the book was very expensive and, alas, Honest Ed said there just wasn’t money in the budget to purchase it.

“I know!” exclaimed Aaron. “Let’s each pitch in a few bucks and buy it ourselves!”

“Are you nuts?” replied Manny, Moe and Jacques. “Why spend good money to learn what we already know? We’ll wait until we’re famous mechanics at Indy, and then we’ll write our own book!”

“Well,” said Aaron, “then I’ll buy the book myself.” And so he did.

One day after their first six months at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair, Aaron said, “Hey, guys! Look at the ad for this new wrench! I understand they’ve just started using this at Indy! Why don’t we get one?”

“Have you taken leave of your senses?” chortled Manny, Moe and Jacques. “You know Honest Ed will never pay for it.”

“Why don’t we pay for it ourselves? It’ll give us a big advantage over all the other repair shops in town.”

Manny, Moe and Jacques exchanged a weary look. “We’ve got better things to do with our money,” they said. “Once we get to Indianapolis, then we can buy all the fancy wrenches we want. But knowing what a sucker you are, you’ll probably go ahead and get it yourself.”

And so he did.

One evening after their first year at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair, Manny, Moe and Jacques came upon Aaron in Repair Bay #2.

“Hey, Aaron,” they said. “C’mon, we’re going down to the Pump & Piston to get good ’n’ drunk.”

“No, thanks,” said Aaron. “I’m trying to figure out a faster and better way to service automatic transmissions.”

“Why?” demanded Manny, Moe and Jacques.

“That way I could do a better job for Honest Ed and for our customers.”

“What’s your point?” asked Manny.

“Why bother?” snorted Moe.

“We’ll be working faster than anybody in the world when we’re at Indy,” insisted Jacques. “But if you want to stay here and play with transmissions, go right ahead.”

So Aaron stayed behind and missed out on an evening that was so much fun that Manny, Moe and Jacques threw up for the next three days.

A year and a half after they started at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair, an excited Aaron came upon Manny, Moe and Jacques and said, “Hey, guys! Guess what! There’s going to be a big Auto Mechanics Convention next month, and all the best mechanics from Indy will be there to demonstrate —”

And at this, Aaron stopped. Suddenly he became aware of the expressions on Manny, Moe and Jacques’ faces, and he realized they were laughing at him.

He turned and, still holding his convention registration form, walked away.

“Have a good time at the big con-VEN-tion!” Manny, Moe and Jacques guffawed.

Several years have passed since that first day when the four novice mechanics began working together.

Manny, Moe and Jacques still work at Honest Ed’s Auto Repair.

They still laugh at suckers who buy books about auto repair, fools who subscribe to automotive trade publications, and jerks who attend automotive seminars and conventions.

And every year they receive a postcard from Aaron... postmarked, “Indianapolis.”

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: AT&T and Mr. & Mrs. Stupid

In a commercial, the person who is depicted enjoying the results of the product or service should represent the target audience. Do you really want to identify with that guy?

And I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure Mrs. Stupid suddenly turned into The Announcer. (Either that or the people who produced this spot cast two women with voices that are far too similar.)

Also:

“For the ultimate music experience, visit the AT&T blue room.... You’ll have the best online experience possible.”

I realize “the new AT&T” has adopted a slimmed-down business model, but can’t they afford to hire a writer? Someone who knows enough not to use the word “experience” twice in nine seconds?

Using “experience” even once would have been too much, of course. That’s because nobody — NOBODY — is looking for the best online experience.

Lots of people would like to watch concerts by their favorite artists, with crystal clear video and “it’s like I’m in the first row” audio.

But not a single person woke up this morning and thought, “By golly, if only I could have the best online experience possible.”

CAN LESS BE MORE?

In the current issue of my Radio Advertising Letter, I shared a station promo that I thought could be greatly improved by making it half as long.

So I made a couple of quick edits, and the original 53-second promo became a 29-second promo.

Radio Advertising Letter readers: Which do you think is stronger? Why?

WEEKEND BLOG BONUS: Virgin Radio Test Transmissions

Before Virgin Radio officially launched in the UK, they conducted a week of test transmissions. By the end of that week, you could hear Virgin Radio playing on radios inside shops all over London.

Enjoy.

(It won't be here on Monday. This is especially for you "radio guys" who don't get out and live normal lives on weekends.)

YES, I HEAR THE "RADIO" IN YOUR VOICE

Recently a subscriber to my Radio Advertising Letter uploaded her voiceover demo and asked for some feedback.

I hadn't ever had any contact with this person. The only information I had about her was her name, her e-mail address, and her geographic location. Her email address was at a Yahoo.com account, so it didn't give any clues as to who her employer is.

Here is what I said:

"You asked for my opinion, so....It sounds very much like a radio person, while people who sound like real people get most of the good jobs. You'd profit from some good acting lessons. Virtually all the great VO people have studied acting."

She replied:

"One of the things I've always been told as a DJ is that I'm unradio. Conversational."

She simply refused to believe that she had "radio" in her voice. Even though I — who knew absolutely nothing at all about her, not even if she was employed at a radio station — instantly could tell she's worked in radio.

Voiceover mastery is not about your voice. It's about your ability to act in front of a microphone.

If you want a real voiceover career, by all means purchase the wonderful VO-related products in my catalogue. But more importantly: Take acting lessons.

DUMBEST QUESTION I EVER GOT FROM A RADIO STATION RECEPTIONIST

"Okay, what's with these reminiscences? Where's the meaty stuff that teaches us how to achieve bigger ratings, more sales, and immense success?"

Fair question.

Answer: I'm on overload. Spinning so many plates that — Well, when you hear that big crashing sound, you'll know what it is.

I do have a great treat for any visitors to this blog this coming weekend. And another brutal Monday Commercial Smackdown all ready to go.

Okay, it's not "ready" ready. But I know what it will be: a commercial for a huge telecommunications company, featuring the ever-popular Mr. & Mrs. Stupid.

But today, a quick story about the dumbest question I've ever been asked by a radio station receptionist.

I'm on the air. Hotline rings. Receptionist says, "I'm filling out some forms, and I need to know your middle name."

"I don't have a middle name." (That's true. My family was so poor my parents couldn't afford middle names for any of us five kids.)

"Oh, okay."

Two minutes later, the hotline rings again. "Well then," she says, "what's your middle initial?"

SLIP-CUEIN' AWAY

One of my favorite on-air moments was when I was a jock in San Francisco. At the time, "Goodbye To Love" by the Carpenters was a hit. That particular song began cold, on the vocal.

As I cued up the record for the 300th time, a quarter-turn to the left, a quarter-turn to the right, the much slower manual speed drastically altered the sound of the Carpenters. In fact, I mused, it kind of sounded like the Righteous Brothers.

Uh-oh. I felt an idea coming on. The kind of idea that makes management nervous but strikes me as funny.

"In just a couple of moments," I said, leading into a commercial break, "I'll be playing the world premiere of the brand-new Righteous Brothers record."

Coming out of commercial, I explained I'd managed to get an advance copy of their newest single, and surprisingly they had recorded the same song that already was a hit for the Carpenters.

"Here, I'll play it for you. And then you can call in and let me know whose version you prefer."

And I played the Carpenters' 45 at 33 1/3 rpm.

I thought maybe people would get a chuckle out of the obvious stunt.

They didn't chuckle. As soon as the song ended, they called in to vote for the one they thought was better. No one realized I was joking.

The highlight was the caller who said, "You know, at first I thought you were just playing the Carpenters at a slower speed. But when they got to the harmonies, I realized it really was the Righteous Brothers. Nobody can touch their harmonies."

AM I CURSED?

I realize it's not my own personal curse. Within the world of people who do business on the Internet, it's a truism that whenever you launch something new, there always is something that goes wrong.

I don't mean a "glitch." I mean a genuine crisis. The only mystery is what the crisis will be. (Almost always it's one you never even imagined could occur.)

A few weeks ago, just as we were about to open the doors to the first-ever worldwide radio station imaging teleseminar, our server died.

I'm not talking about some little rinky-dink computer we keep out back with the chickens. I'm talking about the server on which danoday.com and a number of other websites are hosted, courtesy of the one of the largest Web hosting companies in the world.

Servers like that don't just stop working. But that one did, and we spent an entire week rebuilding the site. (It would have been finished faster, but I was helping.)

On Monday evening I literally was about to click on the button to begin accepting registrations to our free teleseminar with the legendary Chet Holmes, "How To Double Your Sales By Doing Less, More Intensively," when a brand-new technical crises arose.

I'll spare you the details, but I'd never even HEARD of this happening.

I'm exhausted. My head hurts. I'm too wiped out to craft a gracious invitation, so instead...

If you'd like to register (it's free), now's the time.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: When Bad Advertising Happens To Good Associations

When professional associations advertise, the result usually is dreadful.

Why?

1. Usually they haven't identified a goal for their campaign, so there's no way to create commercials to achieve their goal.

2. Understandably, associations know nothing about effective advertising. Less understandably, they're unwilling to admit their ignorance and put themselves in the hands of advertising professionals who know more.

3. Almost invariably a committee determines both the medium and the message. So instead of a hard-hitting sales message, they end up airing a compromise.

"It's highly changing."

"Yes, but it's always local. Gotta say that."

"Buying a home is a good investment. We should push that."

"We want people to visit our website."

"Well, our members are realtors. We've got to tell people to call a realtor."

Voila! Money down the drain.

Here's the commercial:

"The real estate market is ever-changing and highly localized. Interest rates are low, and buying opportunities have never been better. If you're on the fence, the National Association of Realtors wants you to know that a home isn't just a great place to raise a family. It's also the key to building long-term wealth. On average, the value of a home nearly doubles every ten years. To learn more, visit Housingmarketfacts.com. Every market's different. Call a realtor today. (DISCLAIMER)"

Got your rubber gloves on? Let's do the autopsy....

"The real estate market is ever-changing and highly localized."

• The opening line of a radio commercial is the commercial for the commercial. This is your one opportunity to command the attention of your target audience. Does that opening line command YOUR attention?

• Who cares?? Is the listener supposed to get excited because the real estate market is ever-changing?

• What the $%#& do they mean by "highly localized"? Are they telling us that the real estate market in Sheboygan might possibly differ from the real estate market in Manhattan? If so, do they think we don't know that? Even more importantly, why should we care? Are they warning us not to make the mistake of retaining the services of a Manhattan realtor to help us buy a condo in Sheboygan?

"buying opportunities have never been better."

• Not a single listener is looking for a buying opportunity. Some might want to buy a house. Some might want to stop paying rent or sharing walls with noisy neighbors. But "buying opportunity" isn't on anyone's wish list.

• A good radio commercial employs active language. (A passive way of saying that: "Active language should be employed.")

"Opportunities have never been better" is passive. "If you want to buy a house in greater Sheboygan, you'll never find a better time than right now" is active.

"If you're on the fence"

What the $%#& are they talking about? What fence? "On the fence" means not being able to decide between two options. What options are they referring to? Whether someone wants to buy a house? Whether someone wants to buy a house now?

"The National Association of Realtors wants you to know"

Oh! This message is all about what the National Association of Realtors wants. Listeners who don't happen to be members of the National Association of Realtors couldn't care less what the association wants.

"...a home isn't just a great place to raise a family. It's also the key to building long-term wealth."

Thanks for telling me that. Being completely ignorant, I had no idea that owning a house could serve as an investment in addition to providing a place to live.

"On average, the value of a home nearly doubles every ten years."

Boy, is THAT a risky claim to make. What average are they referring to? In fact, I'll go further than "risky": That's the kind of claim that can get an advertiser in serious trouble.

But let's say it's true — that over, say, the past 7 decades the value of a home has doubled every 10 years. (Again, I doubt it. But....) At a time when home prices are in a nationwide free fall, citing that statistic makes the advertiser sound foolish and in contradiction to the listener's experience.

Successful Advertising Intersects Common Human Experience.

At the moment, the value of a home doubling in price is not the common experience of most Americans.

"To learn more, visit Housingmarketfacts.com."

To learn more about WHAT?

HERE COMES THE CLUE TRAIN: If you want people to visit your website, you need to give them a compelling reason.

"Every market's different."

Oh, thanks. I thought they were all the same. Good thing your commercial set me straight.

"Call a realtor today."

Um....Why? (See THE CLUE TRAIN, above.)

And which is the Call To Action? Do you want me to visit Housingmarketfacts.com, or do you want me to call a realtor today?

What's The Core Message?

A radio commercial should have a single core message — the one thing you want the targeted listener to hear, to understand, and to remember.

What's the core message of this spot? Is it....

Low interest rates?

Wealth building?

Housingmarketfacts.com?

The value of calling a realtor?

The Disclaimer

The best way to avoid the negative effect of disclaimers is not to say anything that requires a disclaimer. This commercial requires a disclaimer to weasel out of the highly suspect claim about homes nearly doubling in value every ten years.

Is It Possible This Commercial Achieved Its Goal?

Sure: If the goal was to let members of the National Association of Realtors hear the association mentioned on the radio.

Otherwise, not a chance.

HOW TO BE CREATIVE...Even When You Don't Feel Like It

The other day a reporter asked me for some quick "sidebar" tips on "how to be creative." Here are three.

1. Whenever you get even the germ of an idea, write it down. You don't need to know how you'll use that idea; you'll have plenty of time to figure that out later. But most people won't bother to put an idea to paper unless they already know exactly how they'll use it. Big mistake.

2. Don't try to be creative. Focus on solving a problem. Creativity should not be the goal; it should be the means to an end.

3. When all else fails, go somewhere you've never been before. Anywhere, as long as it's unfamiliar to you. As you react to new stimuli, you will be forced to think differently...which is a great shortcut to creative solutions.

There's an old saying in psychology circles: "If you keep doing what you always do, you'll keep getting what you always get. So if you want to get something new, do something different."

That's more than just a catchy pop psychology mantra. It's true. If you want today's journey to be completely different from yesterday's, all you need to do is begin it from a different place.

MORNING SHOW "RESEARCH" SCAM

In the current issue of my Radio Programming Letter, I discussed the inanity of using "dial testing" to measure, moment by moment, a morning show's effectiveness.

In a nutshell: You cannot measure the effectiveness of individual parts of a personality-driven show while the show is in progress.

Any readers (of the Programming Letter or of this blog) who want to weigh in on this subject, here's your chance.

VISIT TO DICK ORKIN'S FAMOUS RADIO RANCH

ATTENTION SHOPPERS

Here's a brilliant marketing idea I've had in my files for six years — trying to figure out how to share it with others without offending some people.

I suppose I still might manage to offend someone, but you came here; at least I didn't put this in your email box.

It was forwarded to me by radio programming consultant Jaye Albright.

The accompanying note explained that a sports shop in Germany promoted its grand opening by advertising this offer:

"Get dressed for free, from head to toe, first come first serve. Only condition: come naked."

Not all of the photographs taken during the grand opening were as coyly posed as these. I've thoughtfully decided to shield you from the more interesting — I mean, more graphic — shots.

By the way, if you think these photos are eye- opening, be sure to come back here tomorrow when I'll post an exclusive, shocking video taken from inside Dick Orkin's Famous Radio Ranch.

WORLD-CLASS RADIO LESSON FROM IRA GLASS

I saw this on Bob Souer's blog, and I'm ripping it off from him.

Ira Glass's radio program, This American Life, is staggeringly good — and impossible to describe if you've never heard it.

And the lesson he offers here is priceless.

RADIO ACCOUNT EXECS: QUESTIONS?

Hey, guys....

People are expressing lots of excitement about my upcoming free teleseminar with sales legend Chet Holmes.

But while tons of people have asked to be notified when we open the registration, I still need to make sure I ask Chet the right questions — the questions that radio salespeople would most like to hear answered.

Here are the most common ones we've received so far:

How do I overcome the "it's not in my budget" objection?

How do I compete against much lower priced stations?

How do you respond to a potential client who is looking for a guarantee that a radio campaign will generate results?

How do you increase your closing percentage?

How do you get more calls returned from prospects?

How can I book more face-to-face appointments?

How can I increase sales in a slow market?

That's a start, but I know you have more.

So....

Understanding that for 70 minutes I'm going to interrogate the world's leading expert on increasing sales, what would you like me to ask?

You're not in sales? Just go down the hall, grab a couple of account execs, bring them into your office and have them enter their own most frustrating daily professional challenges.

Thanks.

P.S. Please be sure to stop by here on Saturday, when I unveil secret video footage I shot TODAY inside Dick Orkin's Famous Radio Ranch. (Just don't tell the Radio Ranch guys, 'cause they've got tons of lawyers.)

BEST MORNING SHOW GIVEAWAY ITEMS

Most jocks give away whatever comes in over the transom for free. But the best giveaway items for a personality-driven show have three qualities:

1. Extremely limited practical value

3. Personalized

3. Inexplicably fun

Historic Example

During the first years of Late Night With David Letterman (his NBC show), Letterman would give his guests their own, official Late Night With David Letterman Collapsible Drinking Cup.

It was a plastic drinking cup which, when you pressed down on it with the palm of your hand, collapsed into a flat shape.

Every visiting celebrity insisted on leaving with one.

And every viewer would've loved to get one.

Radio Example

When Peter Holmes was the Breakfast Host at Breeze AM in Essex, England, his lucky contest winners received... personalized bathplugs. They cost maybe $0.49 each, and every listener wanted one.

While I was making an in-station visit, Peter held a private party ONLY for his "bathpluggers."

150 people showed up at a nightclub on a Tuesday night. (They had to bring their bathplugs with them to gain admittance.)

Peter came up with the terrific idea. I threw in a few suggestions to make it bigger and extend its life:

1. Create limited edition, seasonal imprints (summer, football, Christmas, etc.) to stimulate a collector's mentality among recipients.

2. For a one-time only promotion, award a plug actually used by Peter in his own bathtub.

3. Send plugs to celebrities, asking them to bathe with them once and then return in a self-addressed, stamped envelope. Have them autograph the plugs first, then auction them off for charity, on-air.

My Test For A Great Morning Show Prize

Something you would never pay for... but which you would stand in line to receive.

MONDAY COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: "As A Bonus, We'll Throw In 10 Seconds of Worthlessness."

This is the kind of junk that some stations use either to:

* Build up a package

or

* Sell every second they can squeeze out of their broadcast time

or

* Both.

The overall impact is what radio promotion wiz Paige Nienaber (when talking about most station remotes) likens to "a mugging": You're listening for the music or the traffic report or the news when suddenly something hits you over the head... and then it's over before you even know what happened.

Reading, Not Selling

It's delivered in a monotone by someone who simply is reading copy. No offense intended to her. She's just doing what she's been told is her job: "Read this."

Too bad no one told her, "Sell this." Or even "Communicate this."

And, of course, being forced to cram so many words into such a small time frame almost always handicaps the voiceover performance.


The Goal of A Commercial's Opening Line

In any commercial, the opening line should attract the attention of the target audience. That's even more important in such a brief spot. But this one begins with pure confusion.

There are 3 possible targets for this commercial:

1. Members of Alaska Airlines' frequent flyer program

2. People who fly those routes. Whichever those routes are. You listened to it once? Okay, you tell me: What routes are they talking about?

"But Dan, that's not fair! You're ignoring the value of repetition in a radio campaign."

Sorry, someone not hearing your commercial 100 times is no more valuable than not hearing it just once.

3. People who fly those routes but are not yet members of Alaska Airlines' frequent flyer program

Which of the those 3 is the actual target audience? Who knows? Who cares? Beginning a commercial with those words won't attract anyone's attention.


Too Much

Too much information. Too many words. Too confusing. Too fast.

Too bad.

This is the kind of crap that trains listeners not to to listen to radio commercials and causes advertisers to say, "I tried radio, and it didn't work."

MEET GILBERT GNARLEY

I do not intend to turn this into a Gary Burbank Blog. But many people mentioned "Gilbert Gnarley" in their postings, while others around the world never have heard the character.

Meet Gilbert Gnarley.

RADIO JOB, OR RADIO CAREER?

Recently I had an email exchange with a radio station production director. For years he has expressed interest in coming to my annual Creative/Production Summit, but he's never attended.

When he learned I was conducting a conference call for potential attendees who just weren't sure this event is right for them, he (very politely) took umbrage at my warning, "Don't bother calling if your problem is 'my employer won't pay for it.' "

"I don't understand why I should be spending hundreds and hundreds of my money to support the endeavors of a 26 Billion Dollar Corporation."

You support your employer's endeavors by just showing up for work. Any effort above & beyond that should be to enhance your career, not their coffers.

Most radio people have jobs, not careers.

What's the difference?

A job is something you do for survival. It pays the bills. A career is an evolving, living thing that grows along with you.

A job is something that can be taken away from you. While you might lose your career (e.g., an athlete's injuries prevent him from competing), no one can take it away from you.

A job is something you have to do. A career is something you want to do.

Should a radio station pay for its production director to attend an event that will improve the quality of work he does for them? Of course.

Should a station pay for continuing (or, actually, ANY) education for its program director? Definitely.

Do we live in a world in which most station owners and managers are willing to make such modest investments in its best people? Just a sec, let me look....Nope, no pigs flying past my window today.

My favorite example is the guy who paid his own way to PD Grad School. His employer said the company couldn't afford to send him. But somehow it found the wherewithal to send its 40 salespeople to a retreat in Bermuda.

Yes, there are exceptions. God bless 'em.

While working at my third radio job in an unrated Florida market, I was offered a job in San Francisco. Rather than accept it blindly, I insisted upon flying in to meet the owner and PD in person. (They were kinda shocked at that. No, they didn't pay for my airline ticket.)

I told my GM, Tom Thornburg (on the left, holding the microphone) about the job offer. I suspected he wouldn't want to lose me as his PD, but I don't think he really expected me to stay in Lake Wales forever

No, he didn't pay my airfare. But when I told him that of course I didn't expect to be paid for the days I'd be gone, Tom waved me off. "Don't worry about it." He knew I had a career ahead of me, not just another job. And he paid my salary even for the days when I was away, preparing to leave his radio station permanently.

(glissando swells as the dream-like memory fades)

Meanwhile, back in the real world....

If your employer doesn't care enough about your career to invest in it, then I guess you'll just need to find someone else who does.

Unless you're happy having just a job.

THIS IS A HALL-OF-FAMER

Here are the final moments of a spectacular radio career...

Gary Burbank

Gary Burbank spent 35 years doing more things brilliantly than any radio personality I've ever heard.

In 1992, Gary was a guest speaker at one of my seminars. I've never seen anyone as ill as Gary was that weekend. He flew into town, slept for 12 hours, and could barely walk into the seminar room. But as soon as the mic was on, he was on. Ninety minutes later, he returned to his hotel room and slept another 12 hours.

Here's the audio from that day. That's Gary Burbank, sick as a dog but 100% committed to helping other young jocks.

I hope you will join me in voting for Gary Burbank for induction into the Radio Hall of Fame.

Deadline is July 15.

Gary is in the third category: "2008 Nominees - Local Pioneer"

The voting process is very quick and easy.

Note: At 26:15 of the audio, a rude word is used in a recorded bit. If you read the explanation underneath the audio player, you'll understand why that word is used.

I was a young jock when I first heard Gary Burbank. He raised the bar for all of us.

RADIO SALESPEOPLE: YOUR BIGGEST CHALLENGE

If you could ask one of the world's biggest experts on Sales for advice on handling a specific sales challenge — one that you're facing right now, or one that regularly stymies you — would would that question be?

Seriously.

I've scheduled an exclusive teleseminar with Chet Holmes for July 22. Chet is a sales legend.

He gets interviewed a lot, but instead of asking the same generic questions he usually gets, I want every question to be about a specific challenge that radio account execs face in the real world. (Trust me, he'll be able to help you. Chet lives and breathes sales.)

So...Seriously...What questions would you like to have answered?