A SHOCKING TRUE TALE ABOUT CHRISTMAS ADVERTISING

Alan David Doane of Adirondack Broadcasting offers this heartwarming Christmas advertising tale. (You do remember last week, right?)

Hey Dan,

You may find this story funny...and it has a shock ending, too.

An AE wrote a script for an out-of-the-way gift shop in our area that sells handmade gift items. I didn't think much about the script, because it was a rush job and I didn't write or voice it, but when I was producing the voicework, one thing stood out to me like a brick to the head.

As I write this, it's the Friday before Christmas in the worst economy perhaps ever, and where I live we are facing blizzards tonight and Sunday. So the client's ad has the chance to work for them, really, only Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. And then, well, we can all guess how the first quarter of '09 will be for out-of-way shops that sell handmade gifts, can't we?

The spot talks about all the wonderful, unique items you'll find at this shop, closing with the location, and the perfect two word tag:

CLOSED MONDAY.

After laughing for 20 minutes or so at the client's bird-flip to listeners and to their own bottom line, I had to go ask the AE: "Does the owner of the store get dialysis on Monday?"

He looked at me a little blankly as everyone else in the cubicles around him laughed uncontrollably. (I had already played the spot's tag line for pretty much anyone who would listen.)

Then I explained that, unless they really have some life-threatening reason they can't be open Monday, they might want to reconsider the idea of being closed on one of the last four days this year (or perhaps decade) that they will be able to make any money.

Then, the AE shocked me. He said, "If I can get the client to open on Monday, would you be willing to re-edit the spot?"

I told him, quite honestly, "That is one re-edit I would be happy to do."

And shockingly, the client saw the wisdom in staying open, and now instead of CLOSED MONDAY the spot ends with directions to the store, so listeners can actually go there and spend their money. Even on Monday.

It's a holiday miracle!

MONDAY RADIO COMMERCIAL SMACKDOWN: Bladder Research Study

The commercial....

The transcript of that commercial:

Are you on the go, all the time...in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time, you could have an overactive bladder, or OAB. You may qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of an overactive bladder. West Coast Clinical Research, in the San Fernando Valley, is conducting this study. The West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals. Qualified participants must be women between the ages of 18 and 70 years old who are experiencing overactive bladder symptoms, including a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify for the study, all study-related care will be provided at no cost, including exams, study medication, and financial compensation will also be provided for time and travel. Call West Coast Clinical Research at 818-776-0820 to see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study. That's 818-776-0820. Call 818-776-0820.

Obviously, this is a very personal problem. But it's an impersonal commercial. It also could be improved with some ruthless editing.

If any given element doesn't increase the impact of the sales message and isn't required, get rid of it.

Example: It's necessary to identify the advertiser. But telling us that "the West Coast Clinical Research staff is a team of medical research professionals" isn't required, and it doesn't increase the impact of the message. "West Coast Clinical Research" successfully conveys the necessary note of authority; pointing out that it's staffed with a team of medical professionals belabors the obvious.

Does knowing that "overactive bladder" also is known as "OAB" do anything to increase the likelihood of a targeted listener picking up the phone? I can't imagine how. They threw in some industry jargon simply because they have it. Quite possibly in the offices of West Coast Clinical Research they always refer to it as OAB. But the target audience doesn't, and there's nothing to be gained (in this commercial) by teaching people the acronym.

When reviewing your copy, one of the first questions to ask yourself is, "Can I delete the opening line without weakening the message?" Surprisingly often, the answer is yes. This test should have been applied to this copy. Compare:

(Original beginning:) Are you on the go, all the time...in more ways than one? If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time....

(Ruthlessly edited beginning) If you frequently feel an urgent need to urinate with little warning time....

The second version starts the commercial faster without sacrificing anything.

The spot is okay. The problem they're targeting is specific enough that that commercial, as is, will attract some response. But it could be much stronger.

Here's a rewrite that focuses on the person it's trying to reach, rather than on "the study."

Are you a woman who frequently feels an urgent need to urinate with very little warning? You might not realize it's quite common among American adults. But you know what it's like to be nervous whenever you leave your home...To make sure that wherever you go, the first thing you do is locate the nearest bathroom — just in case. You know how humiliating it feels when suddenly you're forced to rush from a meeting or a social function. Well, you might qualify for a research study involving an investigational medication for the treatment of overactive bladder. It's for women between the ages of 18 and 70 who are experiencing symptoms that include a frequent urge to urinate with little or no warning. If you qualify, all study-related care will be provided to you at no cost — including exams and study medication. You'll also receive financial compensation. To see if you could be a candidate for the overactive bladder study, call West Coast Clinical Research now at 818-776-0820. That's 818-776-0820. 818-776-0820.

• I omitted "in the San Fernando Valley" because anyone in the audience suffering from that problem probably will be willing to drive anywhere in the L.A. area for help.

• I don't recall the last time I wrote a commercial that ended — as most do — with the phone number given three times. But, again, for the targeted listener to motivation to act is so strong that I don't think we need a callback to the original theme.

I gave the new script to voice actor extraordinaire Ann DeWig, along with these instructions:

I'm attaching the mediocre spot that I've completely rewritten — so you can hear the fake, impersonal tone of the woman who's reading copy rather than talking to someone who suffers from an embarrassing, intimate problem.

Notes:

• Because unlike the original copy we say "overactive bladder study" only once, you have to make sure to hit that. Not hard enough to stop the conversational flow, but enough so that the name of the study is brought to the forefront.

• "Financial compensation" — Although that will appeal to prospects, it's not the primary motivation. So treat it as gravy (uh, bad image there), an added bonus rather than a reason for someone to call.

• This might be a challenge, given that the copy begins with, "Are you a woman who..." But try doing this as though you're:

1. Talking to your old college roommate, whom you haven't seen for a long time. Lunch in a restaurant, and she keeps getting up to use the bathroom.

2. Talking to your mother, who has this problem and has fooled herself into thinking that not even her family has noticed her behavior.

3. Walking in the park on a sunny day, feeling carefree. You spot a 30-ish woman seated on a bench, forlorn. Her self-esteem is shot. She feels like such a loser. (Obviously, because she has this problem.)

For all of them: Sympathetic, supportive, respectful, understanding — and you're not at all embarrassed by the topic. It's such a common ailment, and there might even be a new treatment for it.

Ann recorded the three different versions and included this cover note:

This WAS a challenge, but fun. I didn't listen to the "example" until after...and she sounds like she's selling furniture.

I just built the scenes and played them out as best I could.

I really like how you give direction. You build scenes instead of using words. VERY helpful. More work for you, but I think it nets better results. I like how the scenes themselves automatically set different tones (albeit subtly so).

Here are Ann's three versions of the new commercial.

The College Roommate

The Mother

Woman on Park Bench

Hear any differences? Your comments...?

RADIO ADVERTISING: Don't Water Down The Good Stuff

Today was a good day.

I have a copywriting client for whom I've just completed a second seasonal radio advertising campaign.

The campaign goal: To sell event tickets online.

The commercials run in two different markets — one to the west of the event location, the other to the south.

For the first campaign, I created a commercial that they loved — but that made the Powers That Be a little nervous. They worried that the key reference was a little too "edgy."

They wanted me to change the reference, to replace it with something similar but less provocative. They even suggested what we could replace it with.

I told them they'd be better off with the "edgy" version. I understood their concerns but knew they were being overly cautious.

Still, the Biggest Power That Be was nervous about my approach, wanted to use the watered-down replacement, and asked me to rewrite the spot to accommodate it.

Okay. I rewrote it so the replacement fit the entire copy. The client was happy. I was disappointed; we had replaced a great spot with a pretty good spot. But that's the way it goes.

I didn't hear from them for a while and had made a note to call to find out when the campaign would begin. Before I could call, however, I received an excited e-mail.

After one week of the new campaign airing in Market A, their online sales had doubled. A 100% increase.

"That's good," I thought.

Then I looked at the results for Market B: Online sales had tripled.

And oh, by the way, in Market B they had decided to go with my "edgier" commercial.

A 100% increase feels very good. A 300% increase feels exceptionally good.

That was the first campaign.

For the second campaign, once again one of the spots I gave them was — not "edgy," exactly. But the payoff definitely didn't fit the kind of advertising usually associated with this particular client.

They loved that spot, just wanted me to replace that one "edgy" word with... anything else. But this time, I couldn't make the change and still make it work. That one word was key to the entire story. I told them I didn't know how to make the change without killing the spot.

The next day, another e-mail arrived. "The Biggest Power That Be has decided to go with the (edgy word) commercial!"

They won't regret it.

Today was a good day.